Ian

"I could have sworn I heard a noise outside your kitchen door Pat, I do worry about you being all alone at night in this house."

"There's nothing to worry about, I appreciate your concern dear Eileen, but , I have good security locks. If there's anyone out there they'll knock."

"I don’t know how you can be so calm being all alone every night."

"I’m used to it. It wasn’t like that in the beginning, my Fred was ready to give up his night job but after a while I took it all in my stride."

"There're so many crazy people about these days. You should never open your door to any one that you don’t know."

"I'm careful but at the same time I can’t let fear take over my life. I usually have a glass of wine and that calms me down, then I have the tele to keep me company till I dose off."

"Rather you than me, I couldn’t imagine my Bill working nights and me being alone in the house.”

“Oh, it’s not all that bad, there’s the plus side too, I enjoy the peace and quiet sometimes. Being alone helps me think about things that I wouldn't normally consider."

"Well, I hope you don't drink too much, it’s easily done you know! Many a woman started with the odd glass and ended up drinking the whole bottle.”

"It’s only wine for goodness’ sake not whisky, and it’s really pleasant to sit here with a glass in hand watching the TV."

Eileen went to the kitchen. She peered out from the window but couldn’t see anything in the dark. ”Goodness,” she said, “I’m sure that I heard steps; If I were you I’d call the police to check, in case you have a prowler lurking about.”

"No need to do that It’d only draw attention to myself. This is a pretty quiet cul de sac and besides, the neighbour’s house is pretty close. Their night light illuminates the back of mine. I don’t know why it’s off at the moment.”

She winked at her friend, “I should be so lucky to receive a visitor at night, maybe a man with a mask could come useful” she said laughing.

"I shouldn’t joke, one hears so many things. Have you thought of getting a lodger, or even a dog? A young professional woman who’d keep you company at night would be ideal.”

“No thanks, young women can be a big nuisance, with their men friends calling I’d have no privacy in my own home and as for a dog, they take a lot of looking after. Let’s change the subject if you don't mind please, there must be better things to talk about."

She was used to her friend's patronising attitude but tonight Eileen was in her prime. All this worry on her behalf was a little patronising. She just liked to sound superior. If she didn't stop going on, she'd have to get rid of her.

“Oh look at the time,” Eileen said, "I’d better be going if I don't want to get in trouble with my hubby. He’ll be wondering what happened to me. Alright dear, I hope you have a good night, I’ll see you tomorrow; we can go to the town together.”

Ooph! I thought she’d never go, busybody worrying about my welfare. There’s a good film on in 15 minutes, just enough time to go change into something more comfortable and watch the tele.

She went to the bedroom, undressed and put on her gown over her negligee. It'll be a long night she thought. As she sat in the arm chair with her drink in hand the thought of a lodger fleeted across her mind but not the type Eileen suggested. It doesn't do any harm to dream a little she thought. Maybe the late night movie will be nice. They put on some pretty spicy stuff late at night.

The film was not too interesting and Pat’s mind was now elsewhere. She looked at the clock on the mantel piece. Never mind I’ll just have a night cup and then make myself ready for bed. The second glass tasted even better. No more thoughts about security, she was feeling really good now. The alcohol was beginning to take effect and generate a certain heat.

She got up and looked at herself in the mirror. She liked what she saw; she could see the colour in her cheeks. She looked pretty good today, she'd had her hair done. She went to switch off the lights, when she heard something. She stood still and waited. She wasn’t imagining, she heard footsteps outside. Then someone knocked at the door. It was pretty late but maybe someone had ran out of petrol and saw her light on. Her house was close to the filling station that closed at night but people had knocked at her door before.

She put the chain on the latch and opened the door just enough to see the face of a man.

“For goodness sake Peter you scared the life out of me! Why didn't you phone?"

"I came by, earlier but you had company."

"Yes and she heard you - wanted to call the police, thought you were a prowler," she said laughing.

"It's not easy for me to get here when I want to. The last thing I need is the police."

"Don't worry sweetheart, we just have to be a little more careful. Come in quickly now and shut the door."

ScorpioJoe

OK, first of all you are a good writer. Your sentence structure is near perfect, and it looks like you have a very good grasp on the use of vocabulary. Your story telling, though, needs work. The opening dialogue is too long, can be confusing, and seems to ramble. When I first started reading,I thought the entire piece was going to be dialogue, then, all of the sudden, there's a third person perspective. Also, you need substance. What about this piece is going to grab the readers attention. I can tell you a woman standing there worrying about noises is not it, though I did get a little excited when she mused about masturbation Lastly, what is this woman so worried about? At the end she seems to meet a man for a late night rendezvous. So why is she surprised when someone is outside? Shouldn't she be expecting him? Look, we know you can write, just spice it up!

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shraga

To begin with use a diffirent name Pat sounds like a man and at first it is confusing.

Who talks like that? If you want to say dear Eileen but it makes the character sound old

took it all in stride

If they are going to be talking like that you should explain why. Maybe they are down South, maybe it is the early 1900's but still explain

Besides that i didnt really feel like the story went anywhere. The whole security issue felt like you were wasting time till you could talk about Peter
Put in more substance

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Shraga Y. Weissmann
Israel
Please comment on my humorous short story Chompers Thanks!

Monkuta

I think you have great grammar and sentence building abilities, but as Shraga and Joe said, the story didn't really go anywhere until the end and one would have to infer a bit to figure out what was happening in those last few instances of speech.

My big note would be to make a better action/speech ratio. There was a lot of talking and thought, but you couldn't really visualize the scene without inferring their actions from their speech until the end where there was a long expanse of pure action while she was getting ready to go to bed.

I think you're a good writer, but you need to make your stories... go to exciting places.

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zizban

This is a story can work, but it needs to be redone. Take the others' advice.