StarCross

The Eleventh Gate

Ben had been a good man. Well, as good as he could be. He had supported his family as most men had during his adult years. He even went to church on Sunday. But as with most lives there were areas of his life that he was ashamed of that would often haunt him.
He knew these times were Satan holding his life up to him showing him that he wasn’t a very good Christian. But Ben would often pray for forgiveness in these times of doubt and would continue doing what he did every day. On Sunday Ben would be the first one to arrive at his small country church where he would open the door and put the coffee on. Then he would place himself at the front door to greet the other members of his congregation as they arrived. He would smile sometimes as he greeted them but normally he would have a solemn sober look to his face that would reflect the life that he lived.

You see Ben’s wife of many years had passed a way which left a place in his heart that pained him very much. Often in the quiet of the night Ben would cry where no one could see that he was hurting and alone. It was during these times that he would pray that he might see his wife again if only in a dream.

Well, one night after crying himself to sleep Ben had a dream. In his dream Ben was on a wide paved road that was leading him to a large walled city ahead of him. The road was crowded with many other travelers headed in the same direction and Ben could hear snatches of conversation from his fellow travelers as they walked down the road.

“I hope I look ok, this is a new dress.”

“I’ve worked hard all my life.”

“I’ m a School teacher I wonder if they grade on the curve?”

“They should open for me right away, I‘m a banker.”


Ben didn’t really hear much because he was thinking of how he was going to answer for the dark things in his own life. But as he walked he noticed that the people were passing an old man that had fallen up ahead. He was on his knees to the side of the road and the others where just passing him by as they continued forward towards the large gate in the wall ahead. As Ben got closer to the old man he could see that he was praying and at first Ben thought not to disturb him. But then something told Ben to make sure he was ok. So Ben leaned down to place his hand on the old man’s shoulder. As Ben touched the old man, he looked up to see who had touched him. Ben could see that there were tears in the old man’s eyes.



“Are you OK?” Ben asked the old man. Then the old man without saying a word grabbed Ben’s arm to help himself up. To his surprise the old man gripped his arm very firmly and started to drag him away from the wide paved road. Even though Ben tried to protest the old man wouldn’t let go of his arm. He pulled him along down a narrow path that Ben had not seen. As they moved along the path Ben could see that it was getting darker and that the path was leading away from the city. Ben tried to break from the grip of the old man but gave up when he realized that he couldn’t free himself.
The old man continued to lead Ben down this dark fearsome path but didn’t slow down for any obstacle that got in their way. Ben resigned himself to what ever awaited him knowing that this would be a just punishment for the dark areas of his life. As they continued they would come upon obstacles that blocked their path but each time the old man would lead Ben around them, or over them, or even through them, as they continued on.

Eventually Ben could see what seemed to be the goal that the old man was trying to reach. Ahead looming out of the darkness was a very large wall to which the old man was leading him. As they came out of the darkness of the path Ben could see that the old man was leading him towards a very small gate nestled in the wall ahead. But as they came to a fork in the path the old man let go of Ben’s arm. After having been lead all the way to where they now stood Ben didn’t understand what the old man intended him to do. Then the old man pointed at Ben then pointed to the small gate ahead then he pointed towards himself then at the other fork of the path. Ben finally understood that the old man was going to leave it up to him to walk the final part alone. That he was going to leave him to his fate.

Ben looked into the old man’s eyes that were firm but compassionate and knew that there was no turning back. So bucking up his courage he stepped out on the last few yards of the path towards the small dark gate. Placing one foot in front of the other Ben slowly made his way toward the final and last step he would ever make. But his courage faltered as he looked back to see the old man still standing at the fork in the path. Seeing him still standing there seemed to give Ben strength so turning back to the gate he continued on. As he came to the gate he could see that it was a simple rough plank gate made of some dark wood but that there was no way to open it from this side. Looking back towards the old man for one last time to see if he was still watching he didn’t see an old man. In his place was a man in a long flowing white robe surrounded by golden light.

Slowly the gate started to open. As the opening got wider Ben could see a bright golden light coming from the other side. It took a moment for his tired eyes to adjust but as they did a small gentle hand reached out to take his.

Ben was buried next to his wife of fifty three years.
Brother John who presided said that they were now together in a better place.

Rogozhin

Dialog is forced as hell, but the story sends a good message.

It's not catchy, and it dosen't have that pulp punch, but it would be alright if the idea was expanded and the dialog made into something more human.

You're lacking scenic descriptions. This isn't a problem considering we're so abruptly thrown into heaven, but some might be nice. I remember the verse from the Bible describing the golden gates, covered so many meters high with gems of all kinds. Brilliant gold, etc.

This might be a weird idea, but try picking a story out of the Old Testiment that you liked, reading it, and see if you pick up any new ideas for this one. Otherwise I'd say save it as practice.

StarCross

Thanks for the comments Rogozhin I came here to learn and I've got to start some where. Dialog is still new to me so could you explain what you mean by forced.
thanks

Rogozhin

I don't know, forced for me means something different to most people.

But what I do, is try to imagine what people wouldn't usually say.

“I’ m a School teacher I wonder if they grade on the curve?”

Might become...

"...of course I taught. Does this thing work on a bell curve?"

“They should open for me right away, I‘m a banker.”

Might become...

"Look, I've worked at Ramstein national all my life! People - here - are definitely going to need to see me."

You see what I mean? Now extend that idea into your entire story, and Ben dosen't seem so much like a tired old man sterotype anymore, he becomes more human.

Also, when considering names that are just description, try using Stephan King's style of getting around that cliche. "Low Men in Yellow Coats" probably came from, "The Jacketed Men". Similarly, "The Old Man" might become, "White Beard" "The Gray Eyed Man" "The Man with the Cane"

If you look into mythology, you should get tons of ideas. I also recomend this painting, and I recomend the artist, he might make you think of more scenic things. This is supposed to be heaven right? (Despite this being a painting of Dante and Virgil in Hell. I thought this might be a good picture to establish what a psychopomp is supposed to look like.)

StarCross

Ok Rogozhin, I can see some of what your saying and I'll work on it. Thanks