Randatos

This is actually the opening to what I hope to be a much larger story. I tried a few new things that I've never done before with this piece, as I always tend to do. Let me know what you think of the grammar, the presentation, anything is always appreciated. Enjoy!



At first only two sounds pervaded the glade. The first was a gentle breeze, bitingly cold but not quite strong enough to billow the trees with any real force. Drawing closer with every report was the second sound, a steady drum. The beat was a simple pat-pat-pata-pat, but that simplicity did not betray their intentions, for every man, woman, and child knew the sound of the Obsidian’s drums of war.

Before long a third sound had filled the glade. Trumpets. The forces of the Last Remnant of Man had arrived. The ever ensuing pat-pat-pata-pat of the Obsidian’s drums told the men that it would not be long before their enemies arrived.

In moments the fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh sound entered the glade, escaping from the mouths of the men who waited at its border. Fourth was a curse, then a hope, sixth a prayer to the Holy Sovereign Above, and seventh an order. “Scout,” that leader said. The man to whom he spoke did not make the eighth sound, simply silently nodding and turning to search for the Obsidian’s war band.

Many long moments passed before the eighth sound finally penetrated the ring of trees, The men watched and waited with baited breath. They all listened as the Obsidian's drums drew closer. And they all bore the same thoughts, the same fears. If we fail, then humanity as we know it will cease to exist.

Then it happened. The eighth and the hundredth sounds broke all at once. The distance of the drums had been a decoy. The forces of the Obsidian had arrived. Sounds of screeches and cries, screams and clatters of steel on steel and bone filled the ears of every man as they died or faced death.

“Fight!” that leader roared over the din, though he could barely manage to do so himself. And the men did fight, swords and axes swinging and slicing through the bodies of the followers of the Obsidian. But the beings refused to bleed, refused even to falter as they took their blows and returned them with twice the speed and three times the ferocity. The last hope of the Last Remnant of Man fought hard.

But it was not meant to be. That leader watched as his friends fell into pools of their own blood. Despite all they had striven for it had come to this. Failure. The Obsidian and its ilk were going to be victorious, were going to move from the glade and into the last strongholds of man. The species was going to be all but wiped out.

This is what would go down in the history books.

But that leader would not allow it. “No,” he said as yet another sound of one of his comrades dying filled his ears. “No.” And so at that moment he focused, drew the energy from inside his heart and pulled it into his hand. The energy shone brightly, as white and pure as was his heart.

“No,” that man said again. Though he spoke in no more than a whisper, this time the followers of the Obsidian took notice, the light catching their eyes and burning their thick flesh. It was forbidden, of course. But that leader could no longer bear to watch his fellow man be destroyed. The light and energy began to glow, filling the glade with its intense power. Screams and howls tore from the mouths of the followers of the Obsidian as splinters and cracks began ripping their hides apart.

That leader knew that he committed the worst sin possible, knew the Holy Sovereign Above would forever damn his soul to the Pits, but he didn't care. There could be no greater cost to destroy the bastards that had shattered his forces down to the last soldier.

Then, when all of his heart's energy had been called forth, he brought his hand up to the full length of his arm, and slammed it down onto the mossy forest floor. The energy shimmered, dispersed, then exploded, lifting the followers of the Obsidian from their clawed hoofs and shredding the beings to dust.

When the energy dispersed that leader was on his knees. The forest and corpses of his men were entirely unperturbed, his heart was pure. That leader's breath was ragged. His now failing eyes did not even grant him the privilege to bear witness to his victory. His heart only had the strength left to beat three more times. Then it stopped, and he died.

But one man had survived to bear witness. That scout stood, his eyelids ajar and his heart aching. “Holy Sovereign Above,” his barely functioning lips motioned. “Forgive that man for his greatest sin. Forgive him.”

He had dropped to his knees now, and his face bore the rivers of sorrow that he held in his heart, a sorrow that his family would forever bear. “And for all that is Holy... Forgive us all.”

Olly Buckle

Repetition of "that leader" grates a bit at times, one would expect "the leader" or possibly "the Leader" to show there is a greater difference than just the leading.
Obsidian is natural glass and used by non metal working societies for making a cutting edge, so steel on steel when the armies clashed threw me slightly.

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DeathMetalFTW

-Were the obsidians men of stone? Men of steel? That did confuse me.

-You did a pretty good job of letting the reader know what was going on, despite the reader not being familiar with the rules and universe in which it takes place. (The one obvious exception is the nature of the enemies). I think I have an idea of where you're going- This would probably be the introduction to the story, and things would be explained later. That wouldn't be a bad way to go, because this is a pretty neat start.

-One complaint I have is that for such an action packed moment, you could have used a few more adjectives, and more importantly, we could have heard a little more detail about the battle. How about describing how a great cleave sent an ax threw a man's shoulder, with such force as to hit his heart? How about the guy who saves his buddy's life by swinging his shield over to his fellow, and in leaving himself open is killed? Ok, these aren't the best examples, but for what is a pure action piece, we could have heard more from the battle.

-My next complaint is not necessarily a bad thing, but I have to say it. There's nothing entirely original about it. I'm reminded of Battlestar Galactica Terminator, as well as the tabletop game warhammer. A lot of familiar sci-fi and fantasy cliches are here. Still, apocalyptic and post apocalyptic fantasy never gets entirely boring, and perhaps you can find a way to make this story unique later on.

I sort of liked it.

Randatos

@Olly Buckle: The repetition of 'that leader' was a bit of an experiment of mine, just to see how it would turn out. Surprisingly enough most people who read the piece don't even make mention of it, but in edits I'll likely do down the line it'll probably be changed to something a little less bland.

Concerning obsidian, the enemies themselves aren't made of obsidian, they are simply followers of a being named the Obsidian. Much of the nature of these creatures are left out obviously, and a good part of that is I'm still not entirely sure about the beings yet myself.

@DeathMetalFTW: As I said in replying to Olly, I'm not entirely sure myself yet. They're dark creatures, with very tough skin, almost as if with a natural armor.

There were three major things I had to get across in the writing that I can think of right now. There's humanities struggle against the followers of the Obsidian, there's the workings of magic (although this isn't in depth, the basics are explained), and then the religion the men have and their view on magic. More details about it I haven't worked out yet myself, and some of it is meant to be told later on.

You're right, the best details about the real action of the battle is people dying. It's not as interesting as it could be. I'll definitely think about this if I ever get around to doing some serious reworking of it.

And again, you're right, it's honestly a pretty trite story so far. I plan on taking it in a direction that I like to believe is at least a little more original than humanity being enslaved by some sort of fantastical creature leading a group of equally fantastical creatures.

Sort of liked it? At least it was enjoyed to some extent, ^_-

Randatos

Not to bump my own thread, but here's the first section of chapter one. It's a pretty big leap from the intro that I've already posted, but when I went to reread what I had written from chapter one so far it became pretty clear (to me, tell me what you think) that simply starting at chapter one without the intro makes very little sense.

“Ethan! There you are! Would you kindly tell me where in the Pits you've been all day? All this week?”

The young man groaned inwardly as he placed a book in his locker. He wanted to do this later. Not here. Not now. Not until everything had been planned. “Julia,” he said. “Hey.”

“Oh don't just 'Julia, hey' me like you didn't just up and disappear for a week! It's like you've been avoiding me!”

He had been. But he didn't say so. “Been busy,” Ethan said as he finally turned to face his girlfriend. “Instructor Follower has been threatening me with genocide if I don't pass his class.” It was a joke. Julia didn't laugh.

“I talked to Jacob,” she said.

The words tasted like bile in his ears. That idiot. That's what I get for telling him something. A somber “Oh?” was the most he could get his voice to do.

“He told me why you've been avoiding me.”

Ethan couldn't reply. His tongue was ash. The plan had been turned into one big tank of fail. Thanks, Jakeyboy. Had to move those lips. “Julia, I-”

“Don't even bother,” the girl said as her red eyes blazed. “I'll do it since you don't have the stones to. We're through.” She turned to walk down the hall. The wrong way to her class.

He wanted to stop her, tell her Jacob had the whole thing wrong. But he didn't have the energy. He was going to kill Jacob. And then the bell rang.

And he was late for Instructor Follower's class. And he was late on exam day.

For a minute he just stood there, still watching the corner where Julia had disappeared. Then he turned and bolted.
- - -

Randatos

...and the next scene.


By the time Ethan made it to the history room the door had already been shut. And when he tried it, locked up tightly. Panic began to set in, and through the door's window he could see the bowed, shaved heads of his fellow students as they began their final exam, an exam that would make or break their grade, and subsequently their passage or failure from the school. An exam he had already failed by not arriving on time. He couldn't see Instructor Follower anywhere through the window, either.

Crestfallen, he turned to head to his dorm when his heart all but stopped. The follower stood there, dark and sinister looking as always. The creatures body was hidden away in its usual dark gray robe, leaving only its black, cross shaped head visible. Under normal circumstances the follower of the Obsidian cut an already terrifying appearance with its purely black eyes, craggy face, and natural teeth-filled snarl. But now, with its face forming a mockery of a human frown, Instructor Follower looked like hate incarnate.

"Instructor," Ethan began, but was quickly cut down by the follower's stern tone.

"You picked a very horrible day to decide to not attend my class." Human speech did not come to a follower easily, coming out slow and hissing through their many crooked teeth. Just one more of the many terrifying aspects of the followers. Ethan would have tried to voice a protest, but he knew it was futile. Fatal, even. "You are aware, of course, that failing this examination means failing my class?" It was a hypothetical question, a were all of its questions. "And you are aware, of course, that failing my class means failing this institution?"

Ethan could tell where this was going already.

"And you are aware, of course, that failing this institution means you will be left with only the occupations of laborer or scientific subject left to you?"

In the follower's stern gaze Ethan could see this question was a real one. "Yes, Instructor Follower," he all but choked. His eyes nearly watered in fear of the sentence that would seclude him from the class of human intellectuals, the only group to live the closest thing to a good life under follower occupation, forever.

The follower of the Obsidian smiled, a facial expression that showed hooked and hungry teeth better than any other. "Good. Tomorrow at noon you shall arrive at the judiciary chamber where your life shall be determined. Is that clear?"

Ethan could only nod.

But that reaction was not enough for the follower. A crooked set of claws shot out, clenching Ethan's elbow like a daggerous vice. The young man could feel the talons pierce his flesh and draw blood. It felt as though his arm could snap like a twig at any moment. "Yes," Ethan said with obvious pain. "It's clear."

Finally the follower released him. "Good. Now go."

The young man turned to leave. "And do not arrive late," the follower said to the back of his head.
- - -

JeshiiDoveLove

"creature's" with an apostrophe, "followers" with an S, drop "purely" and "natural", they're filler-words here

I love this line, but it can be made more concise: try "Ethan would have voiced a protest..." instead

try: "And you are aware, of course, that failing this institution means only the occupations of laboror or scientific subject will be left to you?"

other than that, it's coming along great! can't wait for the next scene ^_^

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It wasn't good luck that brought us together. If anything, it was long months of bad luck that finally proved to us that what we were doing separately was never going to work, and together we'll beat it all.

Shadow Reeves

by hypothetical question do you mean rhetorical question? hypothetical would be like "suppose you failed this exam, what what would you do next?"

good story, i like it, i can see where it is going and i hope to read more

Randatos

@JeshiiDoveLove: Thanks for those grammar catches and line suggestions. I'll be adding those in ASAP.

@Shadow Reeves: I think you're right about the type of question it should be. I definitely never would have noticed that mistake on my own, much appreciated. I look forward to having some more comments (hopefully) from you as the next scenes go up.