Start of Something Great - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 03-23-2008, 11:00 AM

Hey, this is just the first part of what I have so far...it's still untitled and isn't long yet...so any ideas or tips are welcome.

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These days are complicated. I can’t distinguish one event from another; it’s all in one big collage of images that don’t make much sense. Each day passes slowly, but somehow molds into the rest of them prior to it. Maybe it’s what I deserve for doing what I did; selling my mortality. I doubt the man was the devil, but he was some sort of god. A decade of immortal life for my soul. Why did I do it? I was misled mostly, but I know something inside of me wanted to be misled.

His eyes were dark, the color of night in a thunderstorm. They made me shiver when I looked into them. Standing there on that cliff top, I could see out over the ocean, but didn’t take any of it in. His eyes kept on mine, as if he was in my thoughts, telling me what to think and what to say next.

“You’ll be immortal for ten years,” he said with an eerie smile. It was just past sunset and everything still had that light-out feeling. He was silhouetted by the sky in some odd, almost impossible way.

“In exchange for my soul?” I asked.

“Yes.” He nodded and continued smiling.

“All right,” I said. He held out his long hand, it looked like it was transparent.

“Do we have a deal?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said, taking his hand and shaking it. “What happens after ten years?”

“You will no longer be immortal,” he answered. “Therefore, you’ll be able to die.”

It didn’t occur to me that at the end, I’d be able to live without payment of what I did during that time. Say, if I was shot in the chest, the bullet would have no effect. This was the case…until the time was up. That meant that everything that didn’t kill me during the ten years, would kill me all at once at the end. Of course, this didn’t occur to me then.

The man wore a nice three piece suit. His shirt was maroon, the vest and tie was black. Finely fitted pants sat around his waist, trimmed perfectly down to his shiny black shoes. He stood at the same height as me and was about the same build. I watched his eyes again, unyielding in his focus upon me.

“Thank you for your business,” he said, “I must be going, then. Goodbye.” Before I could say anything, he was walking away from me, back down the cliff. He disappeared into the coming night and left me there in awe.

Days passed and I was left to live an incredible life like I could have only dreamed about. Parachuting, Skydiving, Racecar driving…anything I wanted to do. I could fly to Russia and get caught up in the mob, or climb the Rocky Mountains. I could ski down Mount Everest and live to tell about it. The world was at my mercy, all because I couldn’t die. It gave new meaning to the word ‘Invincible’.

I traveled to Europe, in search of a life away from what I was used to. I wanted to spend time everywhere; summer in Spain, autumn in Rome, winter in Russia and spring in Paris. That was just the first year. The years went by and I kept on moving, traveling everywhere. Money wasn’t a problem. I hardly needed it. Hunger had no effect on me. Neither did any physical torment. It was as if I could never get tired. Sleep didn’t come unless I forced it.

I became an Airplane Pilot and tested my skills during Hurricanes, Twisters, and all sorts of storms. The plane went down a few times; I always got out without a scratch on me. It’s funny how many people you meet and actually remember because you know that anything can kill them, but not you.

“Look out below!” someone called from above me. I looked up in time to see someone jump down from the roof of the plane. His feet slammed against the concrete floor of the hanger.

“Thanks for the warning,” I said, looking him up and down. He had khaki pants with workman’s boots and a nice brown leather jacket. He pulled a pair of aviators out of his pocket and put them on over his bright blue eyes.

“The name’s Wells, Gary Wells,” he introduced himself.

“Harvard, Jack. Nice to meet you,” I said and held out my hand. He shook it and began showing me the plane.
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I have another part after this to come later in the story, but I won't post it unless someone wants to see it.

so, suggestions or comments, please?

desm · 03-23-2008, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

Each day passes slowly, but somehow molds into the rest of them prior to it.

I would get rid of the red bit, only because it's unnecessary, so it seems to waste words and slow the reader down.

Quote:

He was silhouetted by the sky in some odd, almost impossible way.

At first this read fine, but is it actually possible to be silhouetted BY the sky? It should be "against".

Quote:

it gave new meaning to the word ‘Invincible’.

How?

How long will the final piece be? I want to see where it's going...

Crash_Tomas · 03-23-2008, 01:54 PM

ok, thanks for the tips.

I'm thinking it might be 6 to 8 pages. I want to touch on important parts of the 10 years that will help form why at the end, he will try and get out of his fate by finding the dude again. but that's giving away the surprise...but of course, I have my twists.

Hobo · 03-23-2008, 03:16 PM

I'd actually like to see more. I thought it flowed well but lacked the punctuation of a point in what you have so far shown. From the sound of it you have a vision for the direction of the story so I'll just wait for the rest of it. Now get writing!

Crash_Tomas · 03-24-2008, 08:33 PM

lol, thanks I suppose.

I'll try getting more done.

Roxane · 03-25-2008, 02:23 PM

Quote:

His eyes were dark, the color of night in a thunderstorm. They made me shiver when I looked into them. Standing there on that cliff top, I could see out over the ocean, but didn’t take any of it in. His eyes kept on mine, as if he was in my thoughts, telling me what to think and what to say next.

Loved this

Tiamat10 · 03-25-2008, 03:24 PM

This is really clever. I hope you post more.

Crash_Tomas · 03-25-2008, 06:03 PM

Thanks both of you. Will post more when I get enough done. School is hectic right now...grr college.

Crash_Tomas · 03-27-2008, 09:02 PM

Oh, does anybody have an idea as to what I can name this? right now I am drawing blanks.

SevenWritez · 03-27-2008, 09:08 PM

Call it, "Nowhere But Ten."

Crappy title? Sure, but if you ask, I answer.

Crash_Tomas · 03-27-2008, 09:19 PM

hmm, that's cool. Thanks, but I think I'm gonna play with it as, "Anywhere But Ten" since he doesn't want to die at the end.

SevenWritez · 03-27-2008, 09:21 PM

Well, it's your story, so do as you wish. Good luck finding a title.

Hobo · 03-27-2008, 11:42 PM

well considering the overtones of there being a consequence you might want to roll with that. "The price" is omnious .... oo spooky.

Zorell · 03-29-2008, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

Oh, does anybody have an idea as to what I can name this? right now I am drawing blanks.

"Crash" maybe, or try finding trasnlations for ten or (here's something way off base) "Dethcade" (I won't be offended if you laugh out loud at that).

As to the story, I loved the imagery, I found myself thinking what it would be like to have every near-death experience suddenly turn fatal in one blow.

Crash_Tomas · 03-29-2008, 08:26 PM

lol, I did laugh at the dethcade thing. But, I can't do Crash cos that's my name, haha. Well, I'll take all of your suggestions and try working something out. Thanks everyone!