Taboo Kiss(thanks Fossy) - Writers Forum

crowe1120 · 03-20-2008, 02:47 AM

We stood at a crossing point, what we were crossing was not yet defined. The lines of our relationship had been blurred; with just one kiss all simplicity was lost. We stood under a cloudless night, both paralyzed, just staring at each other in confusion. Before today we were acquaintances with the occasional flirting, but this kiss changed that understanding.

I grabbed her hand in the dire silence of a summer night, pulled her close once again to gain some perspective on her reaction. Maybe this kiss had been a result of a moment in passion, or maybe a true response. The only way to be sure was to grab her beautiful hands, and pull her closer. With a smile she allowed my pull to become voluntary, then an unexpected turn. She threw her arms around my neck without remorse.
In the back of our minds we both know it’s wrong, but we also know that there is no turning back. Both of have been harboring these feelings for one of another; all the while being committed to other people. She in the middle of a three year relationship, which in my mind was never right, and I'm still coming down from a break up of failed love. None of that mattered, not here, and not now. I could feel her pull me in closer with her slender arms, and I could feel the heat from her body like a magnet. No words were said and I don’t think any words were needed.

In this moment a cool breeze blew from the south and the whistling from the trees played like violins. Sweet grass joined into the symphony carrying smells of baby’s-breath. All of this became our influence to take the final step into the point of no return, up to this point we only had toes crossing. Her lips met mine which in our minds turned the world upside down.

We would now have to face our loved ones with this news, and worse yet, she would have to tell her partner of three years. It is hard to blame us for how this ended up. For three long years she has been on my mind, and seeing her with him istoo much. All that time of flirting here and there hasbuilt up into this one moment. A moment that would change the way we would think. In this very moment of prediction she whispered those words to me. You have three moments herethe words that shook my world to its very foundation, “Can we just keep this a secret?”

Kast13 · 03-20-2008, 03:22 AM

I liked your story, however I found the last line confusing.

EDIT: WOW, sorry...my last night was confusing...I meant the last line.

crowe1120 · 03-20-2008, 03:26 AM

The last night?

Modest Me · 03-20-2008, 03:33 AM

Quote:

“Can we just keep this a secret?”

ouch!! did not see that coming

crowe1120 · 03-20-2008, 03:35 AM

I thought it might be a good twist.

Gabriel Gray · 03-20-2008, 06:32 PM

gutted

good tale, a few space typos - but thats insignificant i guess.

Dark Fact · 03-20-2008, 07:26 PM

I don't want to be a jerk, but I think this is pretty terrible writing. It's too writerly, too fluffly, and has way too many unnecessary words. It's like you're trying too hard. I edited it. I didn't add anything, I just deleted all of the fluff. I think it's much better:

We stood under a cloudless night, staring at each other. We were acquaintances, but this kiss changed everything.

I grabbed her hand in the summer night, pulled her close. With a smile she allowed my pull to become voluntary, then she threw her arms around my neck without remorse.
We know it’s wrong – she, in a three year relationship, and I still coming down from a break up – but none of that mattered now. I felt the heat from her body like a magnet. A cool breeze blew from the south and the whistling from the trees played like violins. Her lips met mine.

she whispered, “Can we keep this a secret?”

crowe1120 · 03-20-2008, 11:10 PM

Well you aren't being a jerk and I see your point. But I would like to point out on fact, this story was based upon my thoughts. I think the way you edited the piece it is more like a poem rather than a story.

alanmt · 03-21-2008, 08:01 AM

alan's guide to editing etiquette:

Being a jerk: I think this is pretty terrible writing
It's like you're trying too hard.

These comments are jerky because you are not being constructive - you are merely being insulting without actually identifying a problem and how to fix it. Worse still, these comments could have the effect of discouraging a sensitive person from writing, and this site ought to encourage writers of all skill levels to write and teach them how to improve their skills.

constructive criticism: It's too writerly, too fluffly, and has way too many unnecessary words.

this is a legitimate constructive comment on its face, because it identifies a percieved problem,and is followed by a proposed solution.

I like the piece, btw and disagree with DF. The last sentence is not right, the phrase "you have three moments" seems out of place, and it seems there should be an "are" after the second you.

I like that it is structured so that he is thinking for both of them until she speaks.

Jocelyn · 03-21-2008, 02:07 PM

I agree that some of the extraneous details could be cut or sharpened, but the piece is short enough that I didn't mind. What Dark Fact's edited version eliminates is (what I believe to be) the point of this work: the kiss meant something entirely different to each of the kissers. In his mind, he's already mapping out how they will overcome the obstacles to be together properly, only to be halted in his tracks by her question. Great ending, by the way.

Eli Cash · 03-21-2008, 05:00 PM

First sentence is a comma splice. Replace the comma with a semicolon.

omginternetlord · 03-21-2008, 07:00 PM

You change tense half-way through.

Also what does this mean?

Quote:

Originally Posted by crowe1120

You have three moments herethe words that shook my world to its very foundation, “Can we just keep this a secret?”

Also bang a semi-colon in the first sentence.

crowe1120 · 03-21-2008, 07:47 PM

This three moments phrase has thrown everyone including me, and to be honest I would edit it but I am not sure how to replace it. It is one of those phrases I have missed twice I suppose. Any suggestions would be welcomed.