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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 03-19-2008, 09:27 PM   #1
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Life In Death

Disclaimer:
Some Swearing/Slightly Sadistic Theme




Resounding off of every barren wall, the serene woman’s voice sang inside the youth’s mind. Shrill laughter made him grab his head in his hands. Mocking him, the woman’s voice called out in his mind, pleading for his help. Crying out in pain, the boy’s face contorted as he held back tears of pain and rage. Fury overwhelming him, he opened his eyes. Darkness welcomed him. The laughter in his mind subsided and he heard the woman’s voice speak to him, not pleading anymore; a means of torment sent from his captors.

Do you fear me?

The boy shook his head frantically, a silver glint in his eyes. The woman laughed again, unsympathetic.

Are you a coward?

The youth’s eyes began to cross in anger, and he bared his teeth in fury. The woman moaned in his mind.

“Shut up, witch,” he spat, raising his right hand.

You don’t have it in you, the woman cackled. Venomous, the boy clawed at his forehead. He heard a soft sob and footsteps come from a few feet before him. Eyes darting around dangerously, frantic in the darkness, the boy growled.

“I won’t let you do this to me,” he shouted maniacally, tearing through the room blindly, as if in a drunken rage with his eyesight stolen from him. A scream came from his right. Advancing upon his victim, he kept his left hand in front of him so he could feel his way to his prey. Forcefully pushing the body against the wall once his hand fell upon its chest, he heard a soft sob come from the being.

“Please,” he heard a woman’s voice issue forth, a wet liquid dripping onto his hand. “Please don’t hurt me,” she pleaded.

The boy tilted his head. His mouth was slightly open and his eyes were hard. “Don’t hurt you?” He asked, surprised at the question he was speaking aloud. Slowly he started to move back, but the laughter erupted in his mind again. Without thought, the boy brought down the knife in his right hand upon the woman, her mortified scream ringing in his ears. Releasing the knife, the youth brought his hand to his ears, trying to block out the sound, trying to calm his heart’s beating.

Are you afraid of me, the woman’s voice mocked in his mind. The boy spun around as he heard a crash behind him of splintering wood. He felt his arms be constraint behind his back. Struggling, he tried to break loose, but was kicked in the groin from behind.

“You bastard,” a male voice spat.

Bastard, the voice echoed in the boy’s mind, distorted and unrecognizable.

“Stop fighting,” the man exclaimed, trying to hold onto the boy.

I knew you didn’t have it in you, the woman’s voice crooned.

You’re a bastard, the male voice roared.

Sobbing, the boy fell to his knees, his head hanging down.

“I want to die,” he shouted, bringing his head up.

“Stop fighting,” the man holding his arms back said, struggling as he held onto the youth with one arm. Realizing this, the boy broke loose from the man’s grip and fell upon bed sheets, bouncing. His hand reached out and felt a cold metal. Grabbing onto the barrel of the gun, he situated it in his hand, putting it to his head.

“Stop!” The man shouted to his right, noisily moving towards the youth. The boy bit his lip as the gun began to slip in his sweaty hand.

Give up.

Closing his eyes, his finger squeezed the trigger. His soul screamed out with the voices drifting in his mind, doomed to repeat the ritual time and again.







{Note: This was written early this year, in January. It’s not too old, in other words. Also, I put a disclaimer just because I wasn’t sure if this would exactly...need it...but I figured I’d rather be safe than sorry. If I didn’t need it, please let me know and I’ll remember that for other short stories I post later. Thanks. =).



-RK}
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Old 03-19-2008, 10:57 PM   #2
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Not bad.

Some of the wording is a little dull and, subsequently, makes the action bland.

For example:

Quote:
The boy tilted his head. His mouth was slightly open and his eyes were hard. “Don’t hurt you?” He asked, surprised at the question he was speaking aloud. Slowly he started to move back, but the laughter erupted in his mind again. Without thought, the boy brought down the knife in his right hand upon the woman, her mortified scream ringing in his ears. Releasing the knife, the youth brought his hand to his ears, trying to block out the sound, trying to calm his heart’s beating.

Some things excessive.

Quote:
the boy brought down the knife in his right hand upon the woman

Your character is erratic. It's nothing short of irrelevant as to which hand the knife is in.

Perhaps you could word the paragraph more like this -

The boy cocked his head to the side, jaw slack, eyes piercing "Don't hurt you?" He reiterated aloud, suprised by the question, and caught-off by the woman's plea.The boy took a step back as the woman's laughter erupted, cascading down like a waterfall. Suddenly, and without thought, he plunged the knife into the woman. Her mortified screams sliced through the air and danced in his ear drums as the weapon rang against the curb. Frantically, the boy clasped his ears, trying to lower his heart beat.

I'm not trying to rewrite anything for you here, I just feel as though the action should be more vivid.

Quote:
The youth’s eyes began to cross in anger, and he bared his teeth in fury.

Lose the part about the crossing of the eyes... not a pretty image.
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Last edited by Dr. Apopolus : 03-19-2008 at 11:05 PM.
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Old 03-20-2008, 09:29 AM   #3
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I see what you mean about more vivid imagery. When I wrote this, I was leaning more towards being inside the boy’s head, and make it less of an exciting, fast paced ordeal (which the vivid imagery would help come to life), but more or less be...geared towards the fact that he *is* insane, but to give it a normal background. ...If that even makes sense.

There are a lot of redundant statements in there though, I will agree with that, haha. That’s one of the things I’ve been working on, because usually when I write, I put a lot down; most of it is useless. So, it takes a while for me to edit and shape things so that they make sense and aren’t totally dull.



Thank you for your constructive criticism. I really appreciate it. =).

-RK

Last edited by Raven King : 03-20-2008 at 09:33 AM.
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