ChrisBaird

~Venge~

"Only the blind can see the truth."
A dark night, a vicious thunder strom, and an endless silent forrest.

He closed his eyes, and felt his hands tremble from the droplets of rain pounding against them, his feet contacted hard earth with leaves, and then pressed forward. His other foot made contact too. The air was rushing past, and pressing against his eyelids. His coat billowed around him, and he could hear the men chasing him, through the trees, trying to be silent, but were too loud... far too loud...

The object attached to his upper right and lefts arms seemed heavier then normal.... and he could feel the blood already rusting the bolts and springs...
He opened his eyes, to see more of the same blackness that was before it.

Something hit and splintered the tree next to his head, it smelled of dead wood.

He turned, flinging open his trench coat, and tapped the buttons on each arm. From up his sleeves came two long metalic whips, each edge serated to a razor's sharpness. They tore forward and easily slashed down the trees and a few men in them. Several bodies fell to the ground, and whips still in mid-air, he yanked both his arms to the left, and at the same time grabbing his whips, they sparked along his blackened gloves. And then sliced nearly half an acre to the ground.

Men began screaming in the backround, along with the sounds of dog's yelping.

"Crap." The man said outloud.

He wore a long black trenchcoat, torn in several places. And large black steel-toed boots, his undershirt was an everyday black t-shirt. And his pants were black as well.

The man spun on his heels and turned to continue running, as he did so, lightning struck, showing for a brief instant, what was holding those whips.

They continued up his arms to his back. And there was a large backpack-type contraption. It was covered by a large hunk of iron, probly to make sure it's parts weren't hurt in battle.

From his back came a soft 'whirring' noise, and the whips retracted into his sleeves.

But as he ran, he heard the men again, and thier dogs. They were closer now. And then suddenly, from in front of him he heard the noises too.

"Damn-"

Something clipped his ear, and instanly he ducked, and another small object whizzed over his head. He dropped his left arm to ground level while still running, and insted of hitting the button, he slowly turned it. The whip slid out of his sleeve very slowly and trailed behind him, along the ground. He concentrated on the metal in the whip, listening and feeling it's metal between the glove's fingers... there! The vibration of footsteeps trailed up the metal whip, And he stopped in mid run, placing both hands on the whip coming out of his left sleeve, and pulled it upward, in a great arc, ending in a kind of overhead swing, leveling the men infront of him, and slicing those behind him cleanly in two.

Suddenly, there was blinding light, and he fell backwards. Actully able to see something. A light, in the shape of a human stepped out of nothingness and offered him his hand.

This thing... this person... it felt like it could be trusted, it was strange, but the man rose to his feet, a withdrew the whip back to his sleeve.

"Hi!" The white human shape said in a cheery voice.

The man was taken aback, who could be this happy, in this world?

"....hello..." He said.

The white shape then replied: "I'm Ash, what's your name?"

The man couldn't help but stare, this was the first thing in 20-something years that he's seen!

"My name is Venge.... just what are you?"

"I don't know how to respond to the question, except for in one way... and that would be, i just am. so really. I am."
Venge smiled, and held out his hand. "My father said that once. What do you want from me?"

He could feel the smile the was surely across this light's face. "I'm starting an army to fight against a great enemy, And to fight along side me in a great battle."

Venge blinked several times. "Why me? I'm just a blind guy with a whip or two."

Ash replied, "Because your very talented, and i can feel from you, that your just the type of person im looking for.."

Venge took shook his head. "I...don't think so, this is very odd. "

He noises from behind and infront of him began to steadily get louder.

The white shaped-human took a slow step forward and put it's hand on Venge's shoulder. "Trust me."

Venge was filled with a calmness that he had never felt before... and he could tell that this person, whoever they were, wasn't lying.

"Alright, what have i got to lose? i've lost everything else. I'll join you."

But, he took a step forward,and suddenly realised all his wounds were gone, and he felt lighter.

"Ash, was it?"

"yeah?"

"What is this enemy like? Where do you come from?"

"Oh, that. Welllllll...."

~End~

ChrisBaird

yeah, aparently, the only stories i've actuly finished are the darker-type ones, i might as well post a few here and there, if noone minds...

this story was actuly a small peice of a mach larger story i had written awhile ago, but, it's not complete. so i turned it into a few short ones. is anyone interested enough to want to read the other short stories i have locked away?

oh and uh... how many people hate it? only sixty SIX billion this time?

i've kinda come to expect bad reviews on the net. but ah well. Although, this site seems very buisness-like so far, so maybe it'll be differnt. i dunno though, i havn't gotten one yet.

Forgotten Abyss

Interesting start.

In some places you forgot to capitalize your 'I's. And in some sentiences you forgot to capitalize the beginning word as well.

I found it was a good story, and looking forward to more.

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Lost Odyssey, Xbox 360:
Jansen: "What? We gotta cross the mountain? Your kidding there isn't even a road!"
Seth: "Your in trouble if you wear out this easily..."
Jansen: "WELL I DON'T WEAR OUT IN BED!"

ChrisBaird

*jaw drops* a few spelling mistakes, but this one is good too!? kay! i'll post some more then! ^_^ yay!
hmm.... this could be pretty awsome!

Forgotten Abyss

There could be more, but I I don't have a degree in English yet, so I wouldn't see them if they hit me in the face.

Indeed it can, just work on being better, and better.

__________________
Lost Odyssey, Xbox 360:
Jansen: "What? We gotta cross the mountain? Your kidding there isn't even a road!"
Seth: "Your in trouble if you wear out this easily..."
Jansen: "WELL I DON'T WEAR OUT IN BED!"

ChrisBaird

Yeah! thats the reason i came to this site, to become a better writer. i know im not great, but at this point i think im 'okay'. So, what i really need is some techs. on writing, i took a writting class college level a bit ago, but had to drop it to get a job. *family issues*

So ,im kinda wishy washy on the 'correct' way to do certain things, i just kinda write on the fly, so the majority of my stories probably all have huge blinding flaws.

but, there's one thing i know, that i love. Is when i read my own stories, they actuly make me laugh out loud, heartily. (the comedy that is) and that alone makes me feel like it's worth it to keep writing, besides, it makes other people happy to read them too.

omginternetlord

If you say "Blablabla," he said.

It should be like that^

"Blablabla." He got out of the car.

Should be like that^

ChrisBaird

uhh... im sorry internetlord, i didn't quite understand what you mean, can you explain it a little better please?

omginternetlord

Sorry mate, just the dialogue formatting.

If you say something like "he said" after some dialogue, you want a comma before the closing quotes and the next letter after the quotes shouldn't be capitalised.

If you've got like a new sentence, it should be a full stop before the quotes, then a Capital letter after it.

ChrisBaird

Hmm... so like this?

"Underwear is meant to be worn on one's head," He said.

Really though? it doesn't seem right, wouldn't that make it seem like the person speaking had more to say?

(and thank you so much for going out of your way to teach me! i really am honestly happy that people are willing to do this. I'm not fantastic on puncuation. like ,what the HELL is a semicolon for?)

omginternetlord

Except there, the "He said." should be "he said." because there's a comma before the second quotes.

I know what you mean by its making it look like the person has more to say, but it's just the way it is. It's a way of distinguishing between the next sentence being a full sentence and just a part of a sentence eg. "he said.".

And you can use a semi-colon a bit like a "because" or "therefore". For example:

"He wanted to get something to eat; he was hungry as hell." or

"He got on the plane; it'd be a long flight ahead."

(I dunno, I can't think of any good examples but you get the idea.)

ChrisBaird

Ah, i understand now. cool, thanks internetlord. There's a whole ton of stuff like this i don't know. cool, now i can actuly use semicolons. I'm actuly trying to take writting classes, but it's not easy with a full time job.

Alright, here's another question, is it better to use the words for numbers, (sixty six) or the number itself? (66) i would think it would be better to use the former.


btw, why grimace?
(and, why did they name him grimace? is that really a word you want to think about while eating mcdonalds?)

omginternetlord

I always use the words for numbers ie. sixty six.

And I dunno the Grimace is pretty random for me, just makes me laugh I guess. And I dunno why they called him that to be honest.

ChrisBaird

just my random question asking.

so, do you have any like, writing tips that could help me out? i don't think any of this is publish matrial yet, so im practing alot.

Eli Cash

First sentence is a fragment. It lacks a verb. This could be intentional to grab the reader's attention, but I'm afraid it may backfire on you as a new, young writer trying to break through. Editors will probably read it as technical incompetence.

Additionally, "forest" only has one "r."

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