Olly Buckle

Laying the blame on a lady, sheltering behind skirts, shame on you sir. I fear it is she who is keeping the bad company.

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qwertyman

Hi Clancy, I still don’t know what it’s all about.

I know it’s only 300 words but these things we need to be told:

• Is it cannibalism?
• Is it mad chef kills complaining customer?
• Is it both?
• Is it perfectionist chef kills incapable sous-chef? (Unlikely as; ‘he had made a similar mistake.’)
• What is his ‘schedule’ and why is it important to him.?
• What is the significance of the music why is it ‘informative’?

These things are not vital but it would be helpful.

• Is he a chef?
• Is it a restaurant? Probably not as he has no assistants (see above) and it is ‘open-plan’.

Give me the answers and I’ll be glad to suggest something.

granty1

ok, here goes

He is not a chef.. Although he would tell you that with the quality of his cooking, he could doubtlessly be one..

Absolutely Cannabilism.

He is cooking in his own home, inidentally, a delighful character mansion from the Elizabethan era.

His schedule coincides with the arrival of his guests, who they are is unimportant, but the fact that they will soon be eating an unnamed third party is, and our deranged chef is keen to have the meal ready for when they arrive. As everyone knows, it is a dinner party faux pas to be seen with a dead body lying around when serving the meal, so the schedule is intrinsic to the evening....

The music is an insight into the chef's character, reflecting that he is classically educated (note the 'expert' conducting) and therefore quite probably upper middle class.

I also mentally pictured the scene initially, and the vision of a gloved, OCD stricken cannabilistic maniac waving his knife in time to a rousing symphony seemed (in my limited knowledge) befitting of an upper class madman who is clearly enjoys what he does and who has, as hinted, done this at least once before..

Hope this sheds come light..

qwertyman

OK that's quite clear, got that - chef or as good as a chef.

Not clear, decapitated body does not indicate that. Unless he is serving up the head. As I said before, it's equally readable as a murder. I can see the sense in not describing the body as mutilated, butchered, etc. It's too obvious. But maybe instead of shell in the egg-mix....a contact lens.

Your missing an opportunity here. We need a motive we need to know who's coming is this revenge? Do they know they are coming to a cannibal-fest? Do they know who they are 'festing' on? If you can sneak one or two of these in you can deliver a pay-off in the last line. I know you are under word-count pressure here but it is more important to the reader than..... 'A missed opportunity the music could be informative.' I still dont get that.

Name the music, it would tell us more about the person. Beethoven often infers savage madness (Clockwork Orange). I always think people who like Gilbert and Sullivan are totally of their savant trollys.
'Your tiny hand is frozen.' is a good cannibal anthem.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I'm off to Google 'OCD'.

joifulartist84

I got exactly what you were going for when I read this, granty1. And I loved it. If it doesn't matter who is doing the eating or who is being eaten, I can't see anything that I'd change. Just obscure enough for me to use some imagination.

Except for putting dialogue in a new paragraph. And this line: '"Oh yes, a triumph,” he chuckled, as he selected a parsnip, “they will not be disappointed.”'. There shouldn't be a comma between "chuckled" and "as", and there should be one between "triumph" and the quotation mark. The period at the end of the statement should be inside the quotation marks. There may be other grammatical errors but I'm not too good at those.

Joi

granty1

Hey, thanks Joiful.. You're the sort of person I intended it for! You're right about the speech grammar, awful....

The Backward OX

Perhaps not unreasonable but not a person of the world. Or if you consider that unfair, how about not well-read? Even my old Granny knew what OCD meant.

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Originally Posted by Wildcard
I view with distaste the excretions polluting this site, suffering when I read another by-product of the boredom of one with access to a computer and the internet. As I read I feel I am being defecated on, and cling to an idea that one day I may find solace in the words of one who takes pride in their work.

The Backward OX

I think that's a British vs Amurrican thang.

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Originally Posted by Wildcard
I view with distaste the excretions polluting this site, suffering when I read another by-product of the boredom of one with access to a computer and the internet. As I read I feel I am being defecated on, and cling to an idea that one day I may find solace in the words of one who takes pride in their work.

granty1

I agree, I thought OCD was a pretty universal term.... Is it a problem that if don't say OCD four times in a row whilst checking if the gas is still on, i get convinced that the the world will end..??!!

joifulartist84

I did not know that! Thanks! See, that's why I don't like to correct grammar.
Yes, you might want to get that looked at....

Joi