Dark Fact

Ann opened the door and eyed the strange man suspiciously before reaching out and taking hold of her son.
“Who’re you? What’s going on? Scotty?”
“Hello ma’am. My name is Nicolas, Nicolas McDonald. I was driving. I was driving to my sons birthday party,” he said, “I was driving to my sons birthday, speeding, I’m always doing things like that. I’m not a punctual person. I was speeding to get to my sons birthday party and I didn’t see him. He came out of nowhere.”
“What’re you saying?” she asked while stroking her son’s hair.
“I hit him. I hit him with my car.”
“Oh my God!” She knelt down and looked into Scotty’s eyes, her hands cupping his cheeks. Scotty regarded her with a distant stare.
“I can’t tell you how awful I feel. I feel awful.”
“Are you all right? Scotty, are you? Are you ok?” Scotty nodded his head and then buried his face into the crook of his mother’s neck. Scotty wrapped his arms around her. Scotty closed his eyes. Ann stroked Scotty’s hair. Ann looked up at Nicolas.
“I want you to call an ambulance. Thank you for bringing my son to me, but you hit my son and I want you to call an ambulance for him.”
Nicolas frowned. He was late for his son’s birthday party.
“All right, I’ll call an ambulance. May I come in and use your phone?”
Ann nodded. Ann moved into the house with Scotty and laid him down on the couch. Ann pointed to the phone on the wall. She remained with Scotty. Nicolas followed closely behind and then called an ambulance. When he was finished he sat down on the couch beside Ann. Scotty looked up at the Nicolas and then at his mom and then he closed his eyes and didn’t open them again.

Ann got into the back of the ambulance with Scotty. Nicolas waved them off. Nicolas watched the ambulance fade into the distance. He got into his car and sped down the road. It was his son’s birthday and he needed to get to the party.

__________________
The only way to learn how to write is to write.

winkash

Oh, man, this this excellent! There's a lump in my throat and I'm completely tense. That's all I have to say in order to mean that it was very easy to get into the spirit of your story.
You've made 27 posts... Well, I'll check them. I hope to find more stories like this.

__________________
"All, all is theft, all is unceasing and rigorous competition in nature; the desire to make off with the substance of others is the foremost - the most legitimate - passion nature has bred into us and, without doubt, the most agreeable one."
Marquis de Sade

Tiamat10

Sorry, but I hated the way this was written. I was too busy cringing at its choppiness to cringe about what actually happened.

__________________
"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."
- Steve Martin

Just Jim

I have the highest respect for Tiamat, but I disagree on this one. I think it's brilliant.

It is very choppy, which creates the guy's panic feeling

"speeding, I’m always doing things like that. I’m not a punctual person. I was speeding"

Saying stupid things when you're nervous.

__________________

http://jimsstories.wordpress.com/
__________________
The Oddville Press
Accepting short stories, poetry, and art.

Tiamat10

Oh, I understood WHY it was written that way. Just didn't LIKE it.

Oh well. To each his own. I actually had a feeling that people would disagree with me on this one, but I decided to share my opinion anyways.

__________________
"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."
- Steve Martin

Jax1108

At the beginning, my mouth was wide open. I got the sense of panic and really felt for the mother. I liked that part, the feelings you were able to provide.

However, I have to agree with Tiamat. I just wasn't a fan of the language. I got the feeling that this guy was really a psycho, the way he repeated everything and how monotone he sounded. The rest of it, accept for the mothers reactions and voice, seemed monotone to me. "He did this. Then this. Then she did this." Didn't really flow.

I am interested to see where this goes though! I kept thinking the whole time.."this guy is going to come into their house, then kill them..." But I just can't really tell right now.
I am 50/50 on this one. Good job, but some improvment would make it even better! (And whose stuff wouldn't?!)

__________________
Warning: Contains mass amounts of cheese.

Dark Fact

Thanks for the feedback, everyone, I appreciate it. This seems to be the reaction I'm getting from most people - half like the writing style and half don't. Obviously the way it's written is intentional (most of my stuff doesn't sound like this). I think given the content of the story this kind of style works, but I do think it can be approved on. My main concern is I don't want to revise it into losing it's specific feel and style. We'll see. When I get around to revising I'll post the changes.

Thanks again.

__________________
The only way to learn how to write is to write.

Truth-Teller

This is horrible writing.