invisible337

The little boy was watching the T.V at 11pm when his father called him .
- Son : What's the matter , Dad ?
- Father : It's bed time .
- Son : But Dad , it's my favorite super-hero's movie .
- Father : No buts , to your room now .
- Son : Bu….ok Dad .
- The little boy headed to his room sadly and let his body lie down on his bed . The father felt his son's sadness so he decided not to let him sleep sad .
Knocks on the son's room door .
- Father : Are you still awake son ?
- Son : Oh Dad , please do come in .
- The father entered the room and sat beside his son
- Father : Hi .
- Son : Hi Dad (annoyed one accent)
- Father : You seem to be mad , don't you ?
- Son : Not exactly . I'm just little sad
- Father : Ok , let's talk as friends
- Son : Agreed
- Father : I think that you're sad because I didn't allow you to complete watching the movie , right ?
- Son : Frankly speaking , yes
- Father : Let's make a deal , I'm going to tell you a story now and if you figure out the lesson we can learn from it I'll buy you the DVD of the movie , deal ?
- Son : Deal (excited one accent)
- Father : Ok , listen
Once upon a time there was a little boy at the same age of yours . This boy fell in love with the stories of the super-heroes . He didn't love these stories for just the entertainment . He loved it because he liked the spirit of sacrifice in those characters . Although he knew they are just imaginary characters , he wanted to be a hero . The most important thing that created his desire of being a hero was his vision about the "spirit of sacrifice" . He realized that this spirit doesn't mean only to risk life to save another but it also means to sacrifice personal desires . He loved this spirit because he knew the meaning of making someone happy . He knew that making others happy makes you happier . That was his opinion about heroism .
One day this boy heard his parents arguing . He waited until they calmed down . He went to his mother and talked to her .
- Son : Hi Mom .
- Mother : Hi son (sad accent)
- Son : Why is our beautiful pearl sad ?
- Mother : It's your father
- Son : What's wrong with him
- Mother : He refused to take me shopping with him , he said that every time I go shopping I laten him . I wont go shopping with him any more .
- Son : Oh Mom , you just know he didn't mean that . I think that he only doesn't like shopping as you do . It's a natural thing that almost all men don't like shopping . They consider it a necessary thing to get what they need from food and home materials whereas most of women consider it a hobby . They just enjoy it.
- Mother : Oh…..what a point of view !
- Son : It's just a modest opinion .
- The son talked with his mother , laughed with her and succeeded in making her happy .
The next step was talking to his father , so….
- Son : Dad , can I talk to you for a minute ?
- Father : Sure
- Son : What's the problem with mother ?
- Father : Nothing important , I want you just to concentrate on your study
- Son : Don't worry Dad I'm doing well , I want to say that when you and mother are happy I can concentrate on study more .
- Father : And so are we
- Son : But Dad I heard you and mother arguing
- Father : Yes , it's just a little problem
- Son : I know , so let's solve it together . What about going out for a short picnic to revive our activity and to keep the "spirit of happiness" .
- Father : You're right we must keep the "spirit of happiness" , let's go . I'll tell your mother and you get ready .
- The family went out in a lovely picnic . They laughed , played , ate ice-cream and enjoyed themselves . The little boy became a little hero because of his noble wise deed .
The end . (The father said) .
- Father: Did you like it ?
- Son : It was amazing
- Father : Ok , what can we learn from this story ?
- Son : Let me think for a moment . Mmm….I think the lesson we can learn from this story is that everybody can be a hero if he realizes the real meaning of the "spirit of sacrifice" , wisdom and nobility .
- Father : Very good answer , we can also learn other lessons from the story . I want you to learn that the relationship between the parents and their son is a very strong one . They are like friends , they discuss their problems together and solve it together . This relationship is the creator of the "spirit of happiness" . Now , I want you to sleep well because the real hero sleeps at the right time .
- Son : Ok , good night Dad .
- Father : Good night little hero .
- The father turned off the light and went out to the veranda and looked at the moon and said : "uhh…those were the good days"
In the next afternoon the little boy found a present on his desk . He opened it and found the DVD that he wants and a small paper written on it "To my little hero".

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WriterJohnB

Lots of problems for me with this one, starting with the odd format. It seems more outline form than story. Also problems with the dialogue:

Oh Dad , please do come in

I know , so let's solve it together . What about going out for a short picnic to revive our activity and to keep the "spirit of happiness"

This is like something from a young-adult novel a century ago. I can't believe any kid would say things like this.

Also problems with this:

Once upon a time there was a little boy at the same age of yours

My "little boy" is 24 years old. How can you relate to a reader in such a reverse fashion? Oh, came back to edit this post. I looked again and realized there was a story being told during the story, you weren't relating to the reader at all. I think the formatting (again) threw me off.

I think the snags are mostly because of culture and second-language. Way too "preachy" for me. And you don't "tell" that the kid becomes a hero, you show it.

Sorry for any negativity, but it needs re-formatting and work.

JohnB

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http://www.johnbushore.com

DarkSunGlasses

Your story touched me. It's my dream that I could get along with my family like that.

I haven't met many little boys that speak that way. Maybe it is due to a regional dialect? In my opinion a little boy should use small words in the dialog. I am a newbie to writing but when I write dialog I pretend to be the characters. I find then I am less likely to write something out of place.