By The Sweet Fangs of Lestat, I was Transformed - Writers Forum

dead_soul · 03-11-2008, 10:07 AM

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Like always, when thoughts overburdened me, I turned off the lights and roamed in my place.

I couldn't bear waiting anymore. Will he really give me the visit he promised the day before, or did he change his mind? I was staring at my black ceiling, drowsily lying on the ground beside my bed. The silk curtains were flying on the cold breeze of the night. My legs were freezing and I started shaking, but I didn’t even think about closing the window. I was more concerned about what hopefully was going to happen any minute now.

But there it was. A shadow I’ve been dreaming to see forever. There he was, the man I’ve been waiting for. The man I’ve always been eager to look at…to feel…to touch. I only waited for two hours, but they seemed to be two decades.

He came out from the darkness, looking at me with his charming grey eyes. Yes, he was dead, but his eyes never tasted the end of mortality, just like his very well built body. His cheekbones were perfectly drawn. His soft, thin lips were just perfect for a bewitching vampire.

He was a few feet above me. Topless, he was standing right before my eyes. His muscles were curved perfectly to go with his alluring stares.

He was coming closer. His eyes didn’t move away from mine. He moved his hand towards my cheeks, tenderly touching them. He moved them all the way to my neck, going through my body. But I’m still looking at his eyes, feeling his muscles with my bare hands. I touched his back, moving it as slow as I could. Maybe it was a dream. Maybe as soon as I’m done touching him, it will be over and that was the last thing I would ever want.

Finally, it was the moment I’ve been waiting for. He pulled me towards him, stoning his eyes on me. His white fangs shined in the darkness of the room. I knew that my wish was about to come true.

Just like his body, his lips drew closer to mine. My heart was like drums. I thought I’ll die of excitement even before I get to touch him the way I’ve always wished for.

His lips moved away to my chest.

Tears were flowing from his eyes, but I asked him to do it. I told him that I waited for too long and now was the right time to taste it.

“It could be painful,” he said, moving his smooth hands on my neck.
I drew even closer to his ear, whispering, “Just do it, Lestat. I would love to join you.”

Now he was hugging me tightly, but not too much. Even before he glued his mouth on my body, I felt sensational. He touched me with his cold lips softly and kissed me on the chest.

Then I felt it. It’s still hard to explain even after going through it. I felt great sensation going through my body. I was running out from breaths. I moved my weak hands back and forth on his back. He sucked my blood out from my body, as I felt tears flowing on my bloody chest. I felt weaker by the moment, but my body being so close to his was the only consolation I needed then.

One more moment and it was all over.

Leaning forward, he was still pressing me even tighter to his body.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry. I—“

I touched his lips with my skinny fingers, as I opened my mouth trying to take my breaths. My eyes were shut. I sensed death slowly crawling to strangle my weak soul. Something wet was landing on my dry lips. I opened up my eyes to see red droplets falling from his cut risk. I shook my head intensely, trying to tell him that I didn't want to drink.

“No! You must drink. I need you immortal.” He said, gazing at me hopelessly as if waiting for my response. “Drink! I need you beside me.”

I didn't have the appetite for blood, but I was too weak to refuse the invitation either.

He held my heavy head, sticking my mouth to his hands. I drank his blood. It felt weird, not the blood, but drinking from my love’s cut hands. I felt better and I was going to sit up straight, but he blocked me with his grips on my chest. He moved me back to where I was laying.

He lay beside me on the ground, hugging me. He was shaking, just like me. Our lips met. Our tongues did too. I held his neck softly as he was touching my waist, causing me to shiver.

The kiss lasted forever and I knew that we wouldn’t go apart, the matter how long we died.[/font]

Jax1108 · 03-11-2008, 10:57 AM

Wow. That was a very seductive, intruiging peice. I quite enjoyed it, however there were a couple of things that need changing, just so it makes sense.
Since I liked it, I am going to give you a full critique. My peers however will correct me / elaborate on the things I say

Quote:

Originally Posted by dead_soul

Like always, when thoughts overburdened me, I turned off the lights and roamed in my place.

I was waiting for him to give me the visit he promised yesterday (Perhaps change yesterday to the day before when speaking in past-tense? Doens't make much sense if you are telling a story that happened some time back and you say "yesterday"...). I was staring at my black ceiling, drowsily lying on the ground beside my bed. The silk curtains were flying on the cold breeze of the night. My legs were freezing and I started shaking, but I didn’t even think about closing the window. I was more concerned about what hopefully was going to happen any minute now. (I liked this part)

But there it was. A shadow I’ve been dreaming to see forever. There he was, the man I’ve been waiting for. The man I’ve always been eager to look at…to feel…to touch. I only waited for two hours, but they seemed to be two decades.

He came out from the darkness, looking at me with his charming grey eyes. Yes, he was dead, but his eyes never tasted the end of mortality, just like his very well built body. His cheekbones were perfectly drawn. His soft, thin lips were just perfect for a bewitching vampire.

He was a few feet ahead (I might say, "above?" ahead makes it sound like he is further down a road or something) of me. He was standing right before my eyes, topless. His muscles were curved perfectly to go with his alluring stares.
Now, ( I think perhaps this would count as a tense change? You are speaking past-tense, yet use the word "now." Its a bit confusing.) he was coming closer. His eyes didn’t move away from mine. He moved his hand towards my cheeks, tenderly touching them. He moved them all the way to my neck, going through my body. But I’m still looking at his eyes, feeling his muscles with my bare hands. I touched his back, moving it as slow as I could. Maybe it was a dream. Maybe as soon as I’m done touching him, it will be over and that was the last thing I would ever want.

Finally, it was the moment I’ve been waiting for. He pulled me towards him, stoning his eyes on me. He showed me his white shining canines, which I wished to be touched with for a long time ago ( I would take out "ago"). Just like his body, his lips drew closer to mine. My heart was like drums. I thought I’ll die of excitement even before I get to touch him the way I’ve always wished for.

His lips moved away to my chest.

Tears were flowing from his eyes, but I asked him to do it. I told him that I waited for it for too long and now was the right time to taste it.
“It could be painful,” he said, moving his smooth hands on my neck.
I drew even closer to his ear, whispering, “Just do it, Lestat. I would love to join you.”

Now he was hugging me tightly, but not too much. Even before he glued his mouth on my body, I felt sensational; I didn’t have to wait anymore to know how it would feel like.(awkward sentence) He touched me with his cold lips softly and kissed me on the chest.

Then I felt it. It’s still hard to explain even after going through it. I felt great sensation going through my body. I was running out from breaths. I moved my weak hands back and forth on his back. He sucked my blood out from my body, but I felt tears flowing on my bloody chest. I felt weaker by the moment, but my body being so close to his was the only consolation I needed now.(Again i'd take out the now unless you wanted to right in present-tense)

It was all over now.(again)

Leaning forward, he was still pressing me even tighter to his body.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry. I—“

I touched his lips with my skinny fingers, but he slowly moved them away, opening his mouth to cut his risk. I knew why he was doing it, but I didn’t want him to hurt himself. I reached out my hands, holding his.

“No! You must drink. I need you immortal.” He said, gazing at me hopelessly as if waiting for my response. “Drink! I need you beside me.”
He held my head, as it was getting heavier by now, sticking my mouth to his hands. I drank his blood. It felt weird, not the blood, but drinking from my love’s cut hands. I felt better and I was going to sit up straight, but he blocked me with his grips on my chest. He moved me back to where I was laying.

He lay beside me on the ground, hugging me. He was shaking, just like me. Our lips met. Our tongues did too. I held his neck softly as he was touching my waist, causing me to shiver.

The kiss lasted forever and I knew that we wouldn’t go apart ever since.(I like the ending too, however I would take out the "ever since")

Besides the many tense problems, I think your peice shows some real promise. I really got the feel, the tone of what was happening. I would really have liked to see something prior to this too, about her decision making. I am sure giving up something like that for a lover is a huge sacrifice, one that could drive you crazy trying to make. It would make it more interesting to see that. However, I did understand from what you "showed" us (good job) that she had already made that decision and was dead set on it. So it is really up to you

Also, there is a lot of "he did, I did." Try to change that up a bit for more interest and a better flow.

I'd love to see more, and see what its like after you revise it

(and be sure to correct me if any of my critique is incorrect guys!) Thanks
Good job, keep writing!

dead_soul · 03-11-2008, 12:58 PM

Thanks Jax! I'm thrilled you liked it. I edited it, specially the 'I touched his lips..." parargraph. You don't how your "some real promise" raised my hopes!!Thanks again and I'll definitely keep trying to get better.

dead_soul · 03-11-2008, 01:03 PM

Thanks, Jax! I'm thrilled you liked it! I edited it, specially the 'I touched his lips..." paragraph. I hope it's better now. You don't know how "some real promise" made me feel!!

Jax1108 · 03-11-2008, 01:21 PM

Im glad!
I know when I first write something, I like it better the more I edit it ^ ^
I will be posting something too, I'd love to see what you think of it as well!
Oh and I haven't seen you before (and I see this is your first post) so welcome

I know you'll like it here if you are eager to learn, everyone here can be real helpful.

Talk to you later
Jax

dead_soul · 03-11-2008, 02:03 PM

Yea! I already started to like it here. lol sorry for replying twice on your comment. Something wrong with my browser and it didn't show that I posted the first one. I'll definitely read your next post!!

PrisonerOfPrey · 03-11-2008, 08:19 PM

I also liked it and will give you a very detailed critique.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dead_soul

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Like always, when thoughts overburdened me, I turned off the lights and roamed in my place. [what do you mean "in my place"?]

I couldn't bear waiting anymore. [Couldn't is past tense Will is present)Will he really give me the visit he promised the day before, or did he change his mind? I was staring at my black ceiling, drowsily lying on the ground beside my bed. The silk curtains were flying on the cold breeze of the night.[I like this sentence] My legs were freezing and I started shaking, but I [just a note: past tense]didn’t even think about closing the window. I was more concerned about what hopefully was going to happen any minute now.[another note: The beginning makes him sound like a stranger]

But[But?I'd suggest yet] there it was. A shadow [Present tense] I’ve been dreaming to see forever. There he[Past tense] was, the man[present] I’ve been waiting for. The man I’ve always been eager to look at…to feel…to touch. I[had?] only waited for two hours, but they[it?] seemed to be two decades.

He came out from the darkness, looking at me with his charming grey eyes. [Past]Yes, he was dead, but his eyes never tasted the end of mortality, just like his very well built body.[The beginning of this sentence is weak, I would find a better way to introduce your vampire friend. The second bit was very clever of you, but it ends weak as well. I'd turn the hot body into a sentence of it's own.] His cheekbones were perfectly drawn. His soft, thin lips were just perfect for a bewitching [Clique] vampire.

He was a few feet above me.[Personally thats sounds like he's floating to me. lol] Topless, he was standing right before my eyes. His muscles were curved perfectly to go with his alluring stares.[Awkward sentence]

He was coming closer. His eyes didn’t move away from mine. He moved his hand towards my cheeks, tenderly touching them. He moved them all the way to my neck, going through my body.[He went through her body? huh? and again...Present tense!] But I’m still looking at his eyes, feeling his muscles with my bare hands.[Back to past] I touched his back, [IT refers to back, do you mean your hand?]moving it as slow as I could. Maybe it was a dream. Maybe as soon as [present]I’m done touching him, it will be over and that was the last thing I would ever want.[That entire sentence was confusing, re-write, maybe in segments.] [Also, SHOW DON'T TELL! unless you were going for that affect]

Finally, it was [past]the moment I’ve[present] been waiting for. He pulled me [past]towards him, stoning his eyes on me. His white fangs shined in the darkness of the room. I knew that [get rid of "that"?]my wish was about to come true.

Just like his body, his lips drew closer to mine.[again, you tried to be clever and combine sentences, maybe make it, "his lips, parallel to his body drew closer to mine" or" his lips, as well as his body"] My heart was like drums[drums plural? just asking]. I thought I’ll[present] die of excitement even before I get[got] to touch him the way I’ve always wished for.

[past]His lips moved away to my chest.

[I found this a strange transition]Tears were flowing from his eyes, but I asked him to do it. I told him that I [had]waited for too long and now was the right time to taste it.[huh? perhaps "and now was the right time. Now was the perfect moment to taste my blood]

“It could be painful,” [not bad dialog]he said, moving his smooth hands on my neck.
I drew even closer to his ear, whispering, “Just do it, Lestat. I would love to join you.”[bad dialog, I can't feel her need, her desire]

Now he was hugging me tightly, but not too much. [unnecessary]Even before he glued his mouth on my body,[when did she disrobe?] I felt sensational. He touched me with his cold lips softly and kissed me on the chest.

Then I felt it. It’s still hard to explain even after going through it. I felt great sensation going through my body. I was running out from[from?] breaths. I moved my weak hands back and forth on his back. He sucked my blood out from my body, as I felt tears flowing on my bloody chest. I felt weaker by the moment, but my body being so close to his was the only consolation I needed then. [side note: eww! he drank from her boob? i'd alsways rather be bitten on the neck. lol]

One more moment and it was all over.

Leaning forward, he was still pressing me even tighter[I think you could do with just tight] to his body.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry. I—“

I touched his lips with my skinny fingers, as I opened my mouth trying to take my breaths. My eyes were shut. I sensed death slowly crawling[in?] to strangle my weak soul. Something wet was landing on my dry lips. I opened up my eyes to see red droplets falling from his cut risk. I shook my head intensely, trying to tell him that I didn't want to drink.

“No! You must drink. I need you immortal.”[again, not very passionate] He said, gazing at me hopelessly as if waiting for my response. “Drink! I need you beside me.”

I didn't have the appetite for blood, but I was too weak to refuse the invitation either.

He held my heavy head, sticking my mouth to his hands. I drank his blood. It felt weird, not the blood, but drinking from my love’s cut[hmm, maybe bleeding?] hands. I felt better and I was going to sit up straight, but he blocked me with his grips[grips plural?] on my chest. He moved me back to where I was laying.

He lay beside me on the ground, hugging me. He was shaking, just like me. Our lips met. Our tongues did too.[like this] I held his neck softly as he was[unnecessary]touching[touched] my waist, causing me to shiver.

The kiss lasted forever and I knew that we wouldn’t go apart[maybe just part?], the matter how long we died.[haha, love that][/font]

Alright, I know I stuck it to you, but only because I know you can take it. I did like this (love vamps) and you did a decent job. I would love to get some backstory on her and lestat. (see, I was drawn to it) If you ever decided to make it longer i'd suggest that. There were more little things that I liked but I was too busy trying to catch improvements. Also, know that all my suggestions are not set in stone. This was a good story, I'm not sure you'll get a whole lot of posts though my vamp story only got one. (Tainted Love (A softcore vampire story) *ehem cough cough* lol. Atleast I got those tense changes, that will improve this story tenfold! Keep at it!