Tragedy - Writers Forum

J.S.S · 03-09-2008, 08:09 AM

[EDIT] I decided to go over this story and change it slightly as I have decided to do a series of short stories that interlink. I've added a reference to another 'doomed' character in the story and have also left it open for a second part. Please tell me your thoughts on the newer version posted at the bottom. Criticism and advice as always are greatly appreciated.

I've had this idea forming in my mind for a while now and have only just hammered it out onto paper so thoughts and criticism are greatly appreciated. I didn't know what to call it so I just left the title as A Tragedy. I don't really plan on doing anymore to it so I posted it here as opposed to Critique and Advice.

A Tragedy (Original Version)

I stand on the edge, the edge of existence. Blood trickles down my wrist and across my hand. I look up and close my eyes. Wind wraps around me and a whispered voice echoes through my head.
“Name your price.”
I feel something behind me, a darkness clouding my mind. I don’t turn around.
“I offer you my life in exchange for happiness.”
The voice doesn’t respond. The clouds in my mind part. I open my eyes.

I wake empty and hollow in my apartment. I stumble to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror.
“Behold the tragedy man.”
My name is Jonathan Gray. I’m a student of literature.

I sit in the coffee shop, I sit here with my coffee. The world turns around me. A million people happy and smiling. I sit here with my coffee, distant, detached and depressed.
My friends enter and I mask my face with a smile. We talk, we joke and I feel nothing. Where is my happiness?

Night falls and we enter the club. Rooms filled with lights and music. Smoke pours from the walls. People dance. I drift through the squirming masses of flesh. I order a drink. I’m already to numb for it to effect me.
I walk over to the seating area. A girl sits alone. She lifts her head. Our eyes touch and I fall, no I plunge. I approach her. I speak and she takes my hand and plunges with me. We talk and we share. Like to broken shards throw together forming one whole. Forming happiness.

We leave the club. Clutching one another tightly. We walk through the night still talking. We talk about everything. Pouring our hearts out of our mouths and into one another’s ears. We walk through the park where we collapse on the grass. We hold one another. We hold one another and float through a dream, a beautiful dream.

I stand on the edge of existence once more. The darkness clouds my mind once more.
“Happiness for your life.”

My eyes open and I cling to her. She looks into my eyes and we kiss. We kiss and watch the sunrise above us. My heart shatters.

We exchange phone numbers and part. I walk down the street and call her. I tell her I love her and then it happens. I break. I smile.

PrisonerOfPrey · 03-09-2008, 10:37 AM

The sentence structure isn't particularly varied and when you write other things watch out for the correct use of to. I noticed a few times that you would write that something was to much instead of too much. I actually enjoyed reading it though, it had a nice first perspective feel. However, I doubt others will enjoy your tell not show approach. I felt some raw emotions though so I liked it. I was confused as to the ending where the beginning and middle are supposed to combine. I'm not sure how it all ties together. Still, I dont think it was a waste of my time, or yours.

J.S.S · 03-09-2008, 12:35 PM

Thanks, I'm a bit useless with to and too. I tend to ignore the later and just use to.
The ending is basically him dying after having been granted happiness.

PrisonerOfPrey · 03-09-2008, 01:44 PM

Well...thats like, awesome! I just wish i'd been able to get the full impact.

Brad S. · 03-09-2008, 03:58 PM

get "the end" outta there.

J.S.S · 04-16-2008, 05:20 AM

A Tragedy (New Version)

I stand on the edge, the edge of existence. Blood trickles down my wrist and across my hand. I look up and close my eyes. Wind wraps around me and a whispered voice echoes through my head.
“Name your price.”
I feel something behind me, a darkness clouding my mind. I don’t turn around.
“I offer you my life in exchange for happiness.”
The voice doesn’t respond. The clouds in my mind part. I open my eyes.

I wake empty and hollow in my apartment. I stumble to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror.
“Behold the tragedy man.”
My name is Jonathan Gray. I’m a student of literature.

I sit in a coffee shop, I sit with my coffee. The world turns around me. A million people happy and smiling. I sit here with my coffee, distant, detached and depressed.
My friends enter and I mask my face with a smile. We talk, we joke and I feel nothing. Where is my happiness?
We go to classes.

Night falls and we go to Corporation. A club. Rooms filled with lights and music. Smoke pours from the walls. People dance. I drift through the squirming masses of flesh feeling so detached. I sense something behind me. I turn and see a gothic looking kid in the corner. Pale. Immaculate hair. He looks at me sensing something as well. He smiles and lifts up a small plastic cup filled with vodka and whatever. Toasting me he knocks it back. I push my way to the bar.
I order a drink. I walk over to the seating area. A girl sits alone. She lifts her head. Our eyes touch I feel something. I approach her. I speak and she speak and I fall. No I plunge. She takes my hand and we plunge together. We talk and we share and we plunge. Like to broken shards throw together forming one whole. Forming happiness.

We push through the masses and leave the Corporation. Clutching one another tightly we push out into the cold night air of Sheffield. We walk through the empty street lit city talking. We talk about everything. Pouring our hearts out of our mouths and into one another’s ears. We walk to a park where we collapse on the grass. We hold one another. We hold one another and float through a beautiful dream.

I stand on the edge of existence once more and the darkness clouds my mind once more.
“Happiness for your life,” The voice says.

My eyes open and I awake on the grass. I look over at her. She is still asleep. I smile and look up at the rising sun. My life. My heart.
Never had I dreamed happiness would have taken such a pure as form as this. She wakes and she smiles.

We sit around in the park until the Starbucks across the road opens. We drink coffee. We drink coffee and talk. As we leave we exchange phone numbers. We part. We kiss. I head home.

I stand in the bathroom. I stare into the mirror. A crack runs through it.
My name is Jonathan Gray and I was doomed from the start.