Blow'em All To Hell - Page 2 - Writers Forum

writeforfun · 03-08-2008, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CodeRed

Great write, and I agree with the critique offered so far. The scenes were vivid and the family warm and familiar.

I would say that to a second grader (who are ususally around seven) the world is still percieved largely in black and white. They notice everything around them, but don't always join the dots, so things being quieter might not necessarily lead to any conclusions, particularly if they have only ever known the way of life that you paint. I would tend to think that they would just wonder what the quietness means.

I would also agree with foretopsail in regards to the transition between the 'family portrait' and the sudden destruction of it. It was shocking, and came without warning - which I'm sure is the point - but I think you would be able to show/develop the the soldiers in the few moments beforehand without losing any impact (no pun intended).

Other than that, a very arresting read.

writeforfun · 03-08-2008, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CodeRed

Great write, and I agree with the critique offered so far. The scenes were vivid and the family warm and familiar.

I would say that to a second grader (who are ususally around seven) the world is still percieved largely in black and white. They notice everything around them, but don't always join the dots, so things being quieter might not necessarily lead to any conclusions, particularly if they have only ever known the way of life that you paint. I would tend to think that they would just wonder what the quietness means.

I would also agree with foretopsail in regards to the transition between the 'family portrait' and the sudden destruction of it. It was shocking, and came without warning - which I'm sure is the point - but I think you would be able to show/develop the the soldiers in the few moments beforehand without losing any impact (no pun intended).

Other than that, a very arresting read.

----------------

Thanks, Code Red. Appreicate your insight, especially about the thinking of 2nd graders. I think you are right and I will incorporate your suggestions into the final manuscript. It's nice to get some perspective outside the US as this story has provoked violent reactions among some who see it as political propaganda, though I can understand and I want to avoid that. look forward to reading your stuff.
cheers

Brad S. · 03-09-2008, 04:05 PM

I don't know man...it seemed like an easy way out, just dropping that bomb like that. I mean, I guess that's how it goes down and everything. Maybe that was point, bad intel and everything. The dialogue was pretty natural, that was good. The last sentence, that bit about "the portal" kind of threw me a little. "Portal" is a word with really spacey connotations. Pretty good, though.