Solace - Writers Forum

saintoflight · 03-05-2008, 05:47 PM

It's only short, please read and critique.

Shivering you move closer to his back.
You grip his lower chest with your left hand, partly to draw yourself closer to his warmth, partly to stop yourself falling off the other side of the mattress.
His busted waterbed is sitting in its frame and takes up most of the room, which leaves you both at the end of the frame lying sideways to fit together on a single mattress.
You run your left hand over his chest and kiss the back of his neck.
He lays motionless.
You withdraw your hand and roll on to your side facing the bed end.
You lie there for a while, cold, empty, and wide-awake.
He rolls onto his back and with that one gesture; you slide and land half on the mattress, half in the gap between the mattress and the bed end.
You attempt to get back on to the mattress but his sprawled out body leaves you no room.
You nudge him but he remains lying mouth slightly open, nose to the ceiling.
You try pushing harder but he refuses to move.
You get up.
The door jams when you try to open it leaving a gap just wide enough to squeeze through.
You walk pass his housemate lying on the couch and out the front door to sit on the patio.
It is warmer than in his room.
You sit for a few minutes and get out your phone.
Someone moves inside.
A door closes.
You get up and open the front door.
In his room, you stand at the end of the mattress grabbing the doona wrapped around his legs you pull hard until all of it is in your hands.
He stirs and moves over.
You let the doona fall and walk from the room.
Out the front, the taxi is waiting.

lemonavenue · 03-05-2008, 11:17 PM

I like how you give us one emotion to start with, that of wanting to be near a lover, and leave us to fill in the rest of the story with the emotions we would feel in that situation. The thing I always questioned about using this POV was how to write it without telling the audience what to feel. Well, this pretty much answers that.

Two things:

In his room, you stand at the end of the mattress grabbing the doona wrapped around his legs you pull hard until all of it is in your hands. This sentence is awkward. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but if it was I then I don't understand what you intended. I would have written it like:

In his room, you stand at the end of the mattress pulling down the doona wrapped around his legs until all of it is in your hands.

Also, what's a doona?

Brad S. · 03-06-2008, 01:19 AM

I agree totally with the above post. The line about the patio being warmer than his room is great. It's great when a patio is made to look kind of sleazy and lonesome (if that was your intention).

I wish I knew what a "doona" was.

omginternetlord · 03-06-2008, 08:05 AM

Second person present, that's a new one.

Felt like I was reading a recipe book.

saintoflight · 03-06-2008, 05:31 PM

ha yea that sentence was awkward thanks i'll definatley change it. A doona like a quilt australian's call it a doona you might call it an eiderdown or however you spell it.