The Ohio Highwire. - Writers Forum

Brad S. · 03-04-2008, 05:09 PM

Charles Grodin was trashed; holding onto the white white walls like they were a million miles up and he was a brand new reluctant jumper. His mouth was agape and blowin’ heat. For as drunk as he was, my admiration for his suit almost overshadowed the contempt that one always feels for the lone public souse.

All us art lovers had circled the wagons while Grodin moved around us. People were growing uncomfortable, and the fear of vomit or shitted pants hung heavy in the air. This is art, I thought. Opportunity. I handed my drink to Pacino and splayed myself out on the wall a few feet down from Charlie, moaning and smearing the smooth whiteness of the room just like the former CNBC host. The laffs started small, but as soon as the room felt okay with this tribute, they grew into rich, unabashed haw-haws. I could feel Charlie’s eyes boring holes through my skull, but when I turned back to shoot him a look of thanks for my success, his gaze was fixed drunkenly on the expensive Norwegian hardwood under our feet.

I walked back into the centre of the room to noise of thunderous applause, took my drink back from Al Pacino and took a quick, artsy sip. Martin Short ran over and told me that I should post my Grodin impression on the internet. I tried to explain to him that people wouldn’t understand it, that you needed the context of the evening for the impression to work, but he was gone; a little grey suit lost in a piney gin forest on the outskirts of a room hung bare with professional art.

Tiamat10 · 03-05-2008, 02:59 PM

Um... what?

workingdee · 03-07-2008, 03:42 PM

Well, I don't actually know what you are talking about. I think that makes it a bit hard for me to critique. What is Charles jumping on/from? I think the scene or action needs more explanation/clarification. The writing isn't bad, but it's not evident what you are portraying in this scene.

Why was his suit so special?

What was being smeared on the wall, the smooth whiteness?

Do I need more backstory on Charles Grodin to understand what you are talking about?

Brad S. · 03-08-2008, 01:21 AM

It was a really nice suit.

Charles Grodin was smearing the whiteness of the walls.

You absolutely do not need more backstory on Charles Grodin to understand what I'm talking about.

Jax1108 · 03-08-2008, 09:55 AM

I was alittle confused reading this.
The first two sentences felt a bit long to me, too many adjectives. That and you use alot of flowery sentences that seem to distract away from what you are trying to potray. I didn't get it. For a while I felt like I was high or something, coming up with my own strange images of unusal things in my mind since I didn't understand what was going on.

So these 3 paragraphs just describe him drinking and "smearing" the white walls? I don't even understand what you mean by that. Was it freshly painted?

I write like this, or atleast I use to. If what you are trying to show is so simple, you need to SIMPLIFY it. Make it about half as long as it is now with less flowery language
(wow, I can't believe I am saying this, aren't yall proud of me!!

)

Keep going though

Brad S. · 03-08-2008, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jax1108

I was alittle confused reading this.
The first two sentences felt a bit long to me, too many adjectives. That and you use alot of flowery sentences that seem to distract away from what you are trying to potray. I didn't get it. For a while I felt like I was high or something, coming up with my own strange images of unusal things in my mind since I didn't understand what was going on.

So these 3 paragraphs just describe him drinking and "smearing" the white walls? I don't even understand what you mean by that. Was it freshly painted?

I write like this, or atleast I use to. If what you are trying to show is so simple, you need to SIMPLIFY it. Make it about half as long as it is now with less flowery language
(wow, I can't believe I am saying this, aren't yall proud of me!!

)

Keep going though

"His mouth was agape and blowin' heat." How is this too long? Or flowery?

"For awhile I felt like I was high or something, coming up with strange images of unusual things in my mind since I didn't understand what was going on."

That's a start.

thanks for the comments.

paradojas · 03-08-2008, 04:25 PM

"Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in."

Maybe Pacino can smear Grodin on the wall.

Whooowaaa!

Jax1108 · 03-09-2008, 12:30 AM

Wow, thats intelligent. Make a counter argument about my comment on your sentences being too long by pasting the SHORTEST ONE in the peice...

I tried to explain to him that people wouldn’t understand it, that you needed the context of the evening for the impression to work, but he was gone; a little grey suit lost in a piney gin forest on the outskirts of a room hung bare with professional art.

Ok seriously?!

For as drunk as he was, my admiration for his suit almost overshadowed the contempt that one always feels for the lone public souse.

And that you probably could have put simpler as well. I don't even understand what 90% of these sentences mean. You too hard so sound "writerly" that I don't get what you are showing...or not showing.

There are many more, but I can give a more detailed critique later on...

Truth-Teller · 03-09-2008, 12:55 AM

Your writing sucks, Brad.

How simple can we put it?

Are you going to bitch and whine?

Or are you going to improve your writing?

Brad S. · 03-09-2008, 12:11 PM

jax,

the first two sentences..you said it, not me.

truth teller,

thanks for the criticism. super helpful. Disagreeing with a critique is not "bitching and whining." You're so truthful, man.

Frabes · 03-09-2008, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Your writing sucks, Brad.

Uh, not so much.

Brad, this is written brilliantly.

Tiamat10 · 03-09-2008, 01:01 PM

I disagree. Not so brilliantly written. Quite the opposite, in fact. Does it have a point? If it does, it's too hidden by all the words you use. I read it three times just to figure out what the eff was going on and even now that I know, I still don't see the point. Oooh, drunken actors. Aaah, Charles Gordon impersonations. So what?

Sorry, not my kind of 'story'.

Jax1108 · 03-09-2008, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brad S.

Charles Grodin was trashed; holding onto the white white walls like they were a million miles up and he was a brand new reluctant jumper.(I just cant picture this, I don't understand it. How is he"holding onto the walls?" and "a brand new reluctant jumper?" the way its worded you make it sound as if we are suppose to know what that is...) His mouth was agape and blowin’ heat. For as drunk as he was, my admiration for his suit almost overshadowed the contempt that one always feels for the lone public souse. (Ok seriously? you got to be joking me..."overshadowed the contempt that one always feels for the lone public souse." Sorry that just makes absolutely no sense to me. If you are trying to sound intellectual here, you are trying to hard. Too wordy)
All us art lovers had circled the wagons while Grodin moved around us.(So whre are we? Somwhere with walls and wagons?!) People were growing uncomfortable, and the fear of vomit or shitted pants hung heavy in the air. This is art, I thought. Opportunity. I handed my drink to Pacino and splayed myself out on the wall a few feet down from Charlie, moaning and smearing the smooth whiteness of the room just like the former CNBC host. (Smooth whiteness of the room?! A few feet down from him? I am so disoriented, not to mention the random mention pf some "former CNBC host. Are we suppose to know right away what the means and who it is?) The laffs started small, but as soon as the room felt okay with this tribute, they grew into rich, unabashed haw-haws. (Seriously...this sentence again makes NO sense whatsoever. "Laffs" and "haw-haws?" Are these made up words or words spelled incorrectly or just something you found in a thersaurus. I'd find an easy way to describe what MAYBE...laughter?) I could feel Charlie’s eyes boring holes through my skull, but when I turned back to shoot him a look of thanks for my success,(he is thanking someone else for his success? What success? As far as I am aware they have done nothing so far accept "smear" themselves against a wall.) his gaze was fixed drunkenly on the expensive Norwegian hardwood under our feet.

I walked back into the centre of the room to noise of thunderous applause, took my drink back from Al Pacino and took a quick, artsy sip. (The next room full of thunderous applaus? I have no idea what is going on. It seemed so random and sudden.) Martin Short ran over and told me that I should post my Grodin impression on the internet. I tried to explain to him that people wouldn’t understand it, that you needed the context of the evening for the impression to work, (I didn't understand this, again. The "context" of the evening? What is that?) but he was gone; a little grey suit lost in a piney gin forest on the outskirts of a room hung bare with professional art. (WOW talk about alot of alot of descriptive words for a sentence.)

Sorry for the harsh and lengthy critique. But when you post your work here you need to be open about the replies you are going to get. I did this so you could hopefully understand where we are coming from.

And don't worry about truth, we just get alot of people who ask for critiques and then when they hear what they don't want (which is usually anything but "Oh, that was brilliant!" they tend to get defensive and pissy. Oh and pointing out small discrepancies about my comments that don't have anything to do with the true content of your writing (or my intent) is rather evasive and, well...lame.

I would listen carefully to everyone's advice and be openminded to see how it could improve your writing. Everyone, even published best-selling authors, can improve.

omginternetlord · 03-09-2008, 07:01 PM

How exactly am I supposed to critique this when it makes no sense?

Frabes · 03-09-2008, 07:12 PM

I'm sorry, but the above critique is ridiculous. Simplifying is one thing, but if the OP were to do what you've suggested, he'd have nothing left. Something like this works because of the ingenuity of the description, not because of the story itself.

Quote:

(Ok seriously? you got to be joking me..."overshadowed the contempt that one always feels for the lone public souse." Sorry that just makes absolutely no sense to me. If you are trying to sound intellectual here, you are trying to hard. Too wordy)

There's nothing cryptic here, he's explaining a common experience. You've never been to party where someone was so drunk as to become a spectacle?

Quote:

(So whre are we? Somwhere with walls and wagons?!)

It's called a metaphor.

Quote:

(Smooth whiteness of the room?! A few feet down from him? I am so disoriented, not to mention the random mention pf some "former CNBC host. Are we suppose to know right away what the means and who it is?)

The MC is mocking Charles Grodin. Wasn't that disorienting to me.

Quote:

(Seriously...this sentence again makes NO sense whatsoever. "Laffs" and "haw-haws?" Are these made up words or words spelled incorrectly or just something you found in a thersaurus. I'd find an easy way to describe what MAYBE...laughter?)

It's called onomatopoeia, and it's effective when used correctly. Here, it is. Say "haw-haw," it sounds like laughter. The word 'laughter' doesn't accomplish that. As for 'laffs', the double "f"s make the word softer, which conveys the tentative laughter the crowd first exhibits.

Quote:

(he is thanking someone else for his success? What success? As far as I am aware they have done nothing so far accept "smear" themselves against a wall.)

He's amused the crowd by mocking Charles Grodin. That's his success.

Quote:

(I didn't understand this, again. The "context" of the evening? What is that?)

He's saying that were he to post the video of himself mocking Charles Grodin, it wouldn't make sense to anyone who wasn't there. "You had to have been there..." ring any bells?

Brad, the colorful description is what gives your narrator voice and holds the piece together. Do not "simplify" it.