Confrontation with oneself. (Short story / character sketch) - Writers Forum

BannedEpisode · 03-03-2008, 10:10 PM

Hi everyone, This is the first short story I wrote (Ever) for my Creative writing class this semester. It was intended to be a character sketch activity to help us create a plot driven by emotion and believable circumstance.

I am very much so a beginner with writing and so I decided to just write the very first thing that came to mind. It worked out well enough; the class and instructor liked it. I however think its rather weak and limiting. Thanks for looking it over.

P.S. Sorry if there are punctuation errors, the forums dont agree with my word processor for some reason.

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Jamie Madison was sitting awkwardly on a wooden chair in his mother’s dining room contemplating how he was going to get out of this obligation. He glanced down at his hands and wondered why he was shaking so much. Normally he didn’t react like this on Thanksgiving but this year things were going to be complicated. Jamie finally stood up and made his way over to the doorway leading to the kitchen and picked up his backpack, he nervously ran his skinny fingers through his black messy hair and said, “Mom, I think I forgot something on campus. I’m gonna need to head back and pick it up.”

“What?! Why Jamie? You’ll be late for dinner and you will more then likely miss your father before he takes off. You know he doesn’t get a chance to be around for long!”, The shock made her fumble the dish she had in her hand which smacked the side of the stainless steal sink and splashed water across the counter. Jamie knew that she would be in no condition to argue with if he kept this up any longer so he quickly walked up to his mom, hugged her, and whispered, “I wont be gone for more then 30 minutes. I promise.”

With that Jamie slung his pack over his shoulder and briskly walked out of the house. His new black Nikes were giving him a good amount of trouble by not gripping the icy cement on the pavement so he decided to walk the rest of the way across the frosty grass. The wind was unusually cold for the time of year and tiny flecks of snow were landing on his brown textured sweater without melting. “I look like ice cream”, he thought cynically as he brushed at his shoulder and unlocked the door to his ancient white Ford pick-up. Jamie felt bad about lying to his mother, but he just didn’t have the heart to see his father so soon after what happened that summer. He tried being the bigger man but it just wasn’t in him. So instead, he was going to spend the next forty minutes of his life driving around the outskirts of his hometown feeling miserable until he deemed it safe to return.

Jamie was once again sitting, only this time a lot more uncomfortably then in the dining room. His truck’s heater wouldn’t be noticeable for at least 20 minutes, but he wasn’t about to wait for it. The key to the ignition was is in his hand after a few moments of fishing in his coat pocket and the truck was started. Cold air blew from the vents on the dashboard bathing his face in frosty wind. “Its too damn cold here” he said without thinking. It shocked him how much he sounded like his father and he sat quietly as the radio finally flickered on. Rock music from before he was even born was playing, the only kind he would listen to for the most part.

Jamie shook his head and turned over his shoulder to check the street before he pulled out. It was clear, “Of course its clear everyone’s at home with their family” he thought to himself. Without thinking Jamie pulled the Keys from the ignition and stared into the rear view mirror looking into his dull tired brown eyes, there had to be something wrong with him. “Why would I do this?” He thought again, “Am I really like that?”. He turned and pulled his backpack out of the back seat and onto his lap. Jamie quickly pulled a book out of one of the pockets and opened the door to get out.

Within a minute he was back into the house, this time around having taken his chances with the treacherous icy walkway. When he entered he didn’t see his mother so he assumed she was in the kitchen. He took off his jacket and threw it into the closet by the door along with his backpack. As he walked past the kitchen his mom saw him and laughed, “Back so soon? What about that thing you needed hon?”

“I guess I already had it with me mom, You know how I forget”, said Jamie in a faked sheepish tone of voice. He flashed the small paper back book over his shoulder as he kept walking. He was pretty sure that his mom knew what he tried to do, but he felt that it was best that he made sure that she didn’t know that he did.

WriterJohnB · 03-04-2008, 11:33 AM

It starts off very passively the character WAS (passive verb) sitting. Tension doesn't come from sitting. It's also very wordy in places. Jamie finally stood up and made his way over to the doorway leading to the kitchen
is an example. He stood, picked up his backpack and went to the kitchen doorway. Fewer words is usually best and always best (along with short sentences.) when creating suspense. Also it's a stainless STEEL sink. But why is his mother so shocked? You'd think he just told her he'd got his girlfriend pregnant. I'll make a couple of changes to the opening paras. to show my points.

And don't use his name so much, he's the only male in the story, "he" works better most of the time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BannedEpisode

Jamie Madison paced back and forth across the dining room, contemplating how he was going to get out of this. Why were his hands shaking so much? Surely he could get through a Thanksgiving dinner with his father. He stopped pacing and picked up his backpack as he went to the kitchen doorway. Running his fingers through his black messy hair, he said, “Mom, I forgot something. I’m gonna head back to the campus and pick it up.”

His mother fumbled the glass she had been washing. It smacked the side of the stainless steel sink with a sound like a ringing bell. Water splashed across the counter.

“You realize you'll be be late for dinner." She didn't turn but he caught the note of reproach in her voice. "Your father will be along any moment."

He quickly walked up behind and hugged her. “I wont be gone for more then 30 minutes. I promise.”

Before she could protest, he slung his pack over his shoulder and briskly walked out. His new black Nikes slipped somewhat on the pavement so he decided to walk across the frosty grass. The wind, unusually cold for the time of year, carried tiny flecks of snow onto his brown textured sweater without melting. “I look like ice cream”, he thought cynically as he brushed at his shoulder and unlocked the door to his ancient white Ford pick-up. Jamie felt bad about lying to his mother, but he just didn’t have the heart to see his father so soon after what happened that summer. He thought about being the bigger man but it just wasn’t in him. So instead, he was going to spend the next forty minutes of his life driving around, feeling miserable, until he deemed it safe to return. He got into the truck.

(Why do you have to mention the key is in his hand when he's already unlocked the truck? Everybody knows you need a key to start an engine, don't bother with such trivial details unless it adds to the story somewhat. Here's the way to make it add to the story

Jamie, fingers already becoming numb from the cold, put the key in the ignition and turned it. Knowing the truck’s heater wouldn’t be noticeable for at least 20 minutes, he impatiently pumped the gas pedal hard, two times. And then he remembered that the carburetor always flooded if he did that. How could he have forgotten? Even though the motor hadn't started, cold air blew from the dashboard vents, bathing his face in frosty wind. “Its too damn cold here” he said without thinking. It shocked him how much he sounded like his father. The radio also came on. Rock music from before he was even born, the only kind he would listen to for the most part.

He turned the key again, letting the motor turn over to clear the cylinders.

It's a good idea to always go back and get rid of unnecessary words. Compare some of my phrasing with your original and see if you agree.

Hope that helps,]

JohnB

Damien. · 03-04-2008, 05:34 PM

commas need work, but it's good