CodeRed

This is the opening for a short story I have recently begun called 'Smith Street Relics'.


I called him and he knew straight away. He could hear in my tone what I had done. Even with my voice digitised, faded and breaking through static, he knew me well enough to detect the evidence.

"I want to find an addiction that will permanently medicate my thoughts," I finally said when I had stilled the tears.

I had my intentions, some words to say, but I always fail myself. I found that my recitations became nothing more than hollow noise through awkward moments.

"So then what would keep you coming back for more?"

I was sitting outside on the concrete, which was still warm from the heat of the day. I watched the ants and thought about the last time I had burnt my crosses like that. I could feel the words, poised in the air and waiting to fall, I just couldn't speak them. He spoke them for me.

"No reason to leave."

I leaned my head against the wall of the house and looked up. I noticed a spider above me and as I watched it, let the silence dissipate the effect of those words.

"Spiders always look like they are waiting," I said, and he laughed.

"You change like a killer." I almost heard him winking.

"Must remember never to buy a gun, then," and the conversation turned to our latest version of 'guess what?'

I participated absently. The scratches and bruises were fading, but I was distracted by the itchiness; and the spider started to make me feel like hiding.

"Hey, you know I think I'm gonna get that CD," he said as if it were a sudden realisation.

"Huh?"

"Remember? The one you pointed out in the city the other day. I heard one of their songs on the radio and now I can't get it out of my head." He paused. "Damn you!"

"What you blaming me for?" I tried to think of something else to say, to play along with the mock innocence he was expecting, but found nothing.

"Yeah, well I never would have taken any notice if you hadn't mentioned it, is all." After a pause, "you gonna be ok?"

"Sure, you know me."

"Yeah..."

I picked myself up and went into the house, taking one last look at the spider as its legs slowly drummed against the wall like fingers on a table. I threw the phone on the bed and myself after it, thinking about the way he had looked at me when I pointed that CD out, his head dipped down and his eyes slanty like half-moons. I had my oceans but sometimes his eyes could be boats. I still want to know why he said I was the cure for thought as he looked at me as though I were the cause instead.

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All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients. Ralph Waldo Emerson

SevenWritez

Post the full story and I will read then review. No one wants to read a fragment of a story, so please don't post only parts of a story. It's pointless.

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"And only as you gasp your dying breath shall you understand, your life amounted to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean!"
Yet what is any ocean but a multitude of drops?

-Cloud Atlas, David Mitchell

spooky buk

The first period should be a semi-colon and and first comma should be a dash. I feel sorry to say that, for me, even with these changes the beginning is still very rude. Two "he knew" repeated right after one another didn't help, i guess. I hope you don't take this personal and all, but this text - i didn't like it at all

CodeRed

I acknowledge your point and appreciate the offer of a read/review of the full story, however I had purpose behind posting only this segment and as such will leave it as it is.

Thanks for the input.

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All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients. Ralph Waldo Emerson

adrianhayter

I enjoy your style. Be careful about getting too "intellectual" right off the plate.

Good line but I wonder if it should be after Love this Overall, it's pretty impressive. Your mechanics are fine if you'll leave some goddamn space around the dialog so old eyes can read it.

Thanks

Adrian

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I really disliked this the first time I read it, the second time, not so much. The satire is savage, and I guess that means the reader had better be in the right mood

CodeRed

Thanks, adrianhayter. Your points are duly noted and comments much appreciated.

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All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients. Ralph Waldo Emerson

SevenWritez

Alright, I read your response, so I decided to read it, and I liked it. Here are my suggestions, take them or leave them, as it is your creation, not mine.


Comma after 'thoughts?'


Omit needless words. This feels a bit jerky, but it's still nice. "I had intentions, words to say, but I always fail myself. Also, there's a lot of 'ing,' in this story, but the second sentence is fine.


What do you want from this story? Present tense? Past? A blend of the two? You seem to jump a bit, so I have two suggestions. "I sit outside on the concrete, still warm from the heat of the day." If you want past, switch out sit for sat. I have nothing against 'was,' as a reader, but a lot of writers seem to, and if you're one of them, maybe you should watch for the deathly word.



Take out 'However.' Take out 'softly and indifferently.' I already have a clear sense of the character's mindset, and these words are pointless filler. The poised bit is very fluid though. Great job there.




Here's another one of those weird shift/herky jerky things I mentioned. Perhaps it's just me, but again, a suggestion. 'I lean my head against the wall of the house, look up at a spider above me and let the silence dissipate the effect of those words.' Just to swipe away the 'ing.' And 'poised' is filler.


Comma after waiting?


I think a period would work better here rather than a comma, but I can it working either way, so this is a toss up.



Turned to Turns, unless you're aiming for past tense. I myself prefer present, and I think this piece would be excellent if you stayed in it. Just my two cents.


Take out 'away.' If past: "The scratches and bruises were fading but the itchiness drove me crazy; the spider started to make me feel like hiding." I'm not entirely sure. I think this small snippet you could work into something more fluid, but again, this is all one person's opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.



Realization.




Period after head in the dialogue. Period after paused. Capitalize Damn. If present: "He pauses."


I try to think of something else to say, to play with along with the mock innocence he expects, but find nothing. If present.


Same deal as your last bit of dialogue. Period after all. Capitaloze After. So on and so forth.


Switch this to present, unless, again, you're aiming for past. I'd give my own version of this, but I'm done. Overall, good job.

__________________
"And only as you gasp your dying breath shall you understand, your life amounted to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean!"
Yet what is any ocean but a multitude of drops?

-Cloud Atlas, David Mitchell

CodeRed

Dang! Thanks for giving this such a thorough second look, your responses are welcomed. I am taking all of your points into consideration and will re-edit this piece shortly.

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All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Non Serviam

Yeah, that's essential.

I'm the other way; I think past is the natural tense for storytelling. Long passages in the present irritate me. YMMV.

That's for US English. Since the OP's Australian, "realisation" is correct.

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Born naked, helpless, unable to care for himself and completely open-minded, Non Serviam has subsequently surmounted all these difficulties and gone on to become a decently-clothed, self-sufficient, close-minded sod.

CodeRed

I agree with this, actually, and my edit will shift the piece to past tense. I think it is more suitable for something that is intended to be reflective.

Forgive my internet/writer jargon naivety, but what does YMMV mean?

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All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients. Ralph Waldo Emerson

writeforfun

Thank you for your posting. I am going to add criticism for the purpose helping you to advance as a writer. I offer it as a fellow writer and, in this case, an interested reader.

Like so many of the pieces posted here, I think you have something, but it’s yet to be unveiled. The story, to me, seems still buried and the prose and development unneccesarily opaque. It’s as though you the writer are trying to hide the story and make us guess at it rather than get into it. This frustrating to the reader and may be enough to turn them off from reading further.
Also, the dialogue doesn’t seem to advance anything – it seems trivial. The spider may hint at something, be symbolic of something, but as yet relates to little that is discernable in the absence of action and plot.
I was also confused: you seem to indicate that the protag is calling someone on the phone (cell phone?) and then at the end it appears they have met in person because the protag talks about the look on the other person’s face (how can he/she know?); unless it’s some kind of flashback, in which case it becomes even more confusing. I’d look into cleaning this up!

A few other points:

I found my recitations becoming nothing more than hollow noise through awkward moments. --- This seems stilted. I’d put a period after noise.


I could feel the words, poised in the air and waiting to fall.
What she’s really saying is that the words/thoughts are poised in her mind, as they can’t be poised in the air.

"Spiders always look like they are waiting." I said, and he laughed.
This goes to the confusion I referenced at the top, is she talking to him in person or on the phone? Unless he’s with her, why would he find this funny? And, if he’s there with her, again, why is this funny to him – it seems kind of an inside joke that the reader has no context for and therefore can’t share.

"You change like a killer," I could almost hear him winking.
Better to say, “I imagined him winking…”

"Must remember never to buy a gun, then," and the conversation turned to our latest version of 'guess what?'
This is the most interesting line, but it goes to the opaqueness of the plot. I have no context for this as a reader and therefore it has no meaning. You must prepare us for this.

I participated absently. The scratches and bruises were fading away but the itchiness was driving me crazy; and the spider was starting to make me feel like hiding.
I don’t have a clue what this all means in the context of what’s been presented so far.

I threw the phone on the bed and myself after it, thinking about the way he had looked at me when I had pointed that CD out, his head dipped down and his eyes slanty like half-moons.

Again, did she talk only on the phone with him or in person? If over the phone, how did she know his reaction?

Non Serviam

Your Mileage May Vary.

It's web-shorthand for "this works for me--it might work for you but it might not."

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Born naked, helpless, unable to care for himself and completely open-minded, Non Serviam has subsequently surmounted all these difficulties and gone on to become a decently-clothed, self-sufficient, close-minded sod.

CodeRed

Thanks, some of these acronyms are easier to decipher than others!


Thankyou for taking the time to read and offer your input, it is appreciated. I will address your points as follows -

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun It’s as though you the writer are trying to hide the story and make us guess at it rather than get into it. This frustrating to the reader and may be enough to turn them off from reading further.

For me, it is not really about hiding information. When writing this, for the purposes of retaining a sense of intimacy between them, I felt I needed to keep to the fact that these two characters were having a conversation that referenced things they both knew and had full understanding of. It is part of a longer story, however I’m not able to post the rest of it here as I fear the adult content would result in it being deleted. I did feel that this segment was able to stand alone as a 'snapshot', but perhaps "Critique and Advice" would have been a more appropriate place.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun Also, the dialogue doesn’t seem to advance anything – it seems trivial. The spider may hint at something, be symbolic of something, but as yet relates to little that is discernable in the absence of action and plot.

The triviality of the conversation is intentional, but I feel it actually reveals quite a lot. The spider is there as a random observation that serves to shift the focus from a topic neither character feels able to talk about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun I was also confused: you seem to indicate that the protag is calling someone on the phone (cell phone?) and then at the end it appears they have met in person

Yes, they are talking on the phone, but as also indicated in the first couple of lines they know each other well, and thus have met - many times.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun I could feel the words, poised in the air and waiting to fall. What she’s really saying is that the words/thoughts are poised in her mind, as they can’t be poised in the air.

I understand the point you are making, but this character is at the time feeling a sense of her words existing somewhere outside of herself, beyond reach. It is her version of not being able to speak what she really wants to say.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun "Spiders always look like they are waiting." I said, and he laughed. This goes to the confusion I referenced at the top, is she talking to him in person or on the phone? Unless he’s with her, why would he find this funny?

He laughed because it broke the silence and tension. It isn’t hinting at anything specific, it is - as I mentioned - a random observation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun "You change like a killer," I could almost hear him winking. Better to say, “I imagined him winking…”

This is perhaps the closest - I feel - to an inside ‘joke‘. The phrase ‘change like a killer’ is in reference to the fact that he knows how suddenly her moods and focus can shift. She says ‘hear’ him winking, as she knows him well enough to guess at his reaction - ‘imagine’ to me would suggest ‘maybe he is’, whereas ‘hear’ would suggest ‘I bet he is’. Contrary to how that might appear, I chose the word carefully.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun "Must remember never to buy a gun, then," and the conversation turned to our latest version of 'guess what?' This is the most interesting line, but it goes to the opaqueness of the plot. I have no context for this as a reader and therefore it has no meaning. You must prepare us for this.

This really is just a sardonic reply to his remark - further serving to shift the conversation to lighter topics.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun I participated absently. The scratches and bruises were fading away but the itchiness was driving me crazy; and the spider was starting to make me feel like hiding. I don’t have a clue what this all means in the context of what’s been presented so far.

This, I acknowledge, is probably a little frustrating. The cause of the injuries is revealed in parts I could not include. Editing it in to explain the cause just did not fit the moment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun I threw the phone on the bed and myself after it, thinking about the way he had looked at me when I had pointed that CD out, his head dipped down and his eyes slanty like half-moons. Again, did she talk only on the phone with him or in person? If over the phone, how did she know his reaction?

I honestly feel that it is clear enough that they are speaking on the phone, and that part of the conversation references a recent time when they were together, in this case a music store in the city.

Once again, I thankyou for your interest and tips, and hope that I have been able to address your points suitably.

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All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients. Ralph Waldo Emerson

writeforfun

Hi -- I didn't mean to provoke a line by line defense of your work...

I know that your points make perfect sense to you because you are the writer and have the knowledge of who these characters are, the great arc of their experiences and connections, etc.

BUT, you presume way too much. The reader doesn't share this knowledge at all, so what you have written, to me, seems trivial and at times confusing, because this piece doesn't make clear many things that are important to understanding what's going on...in places it only hints at them.

So, as an exercise, what you've posted here is fine, especially if it's in the context of something larger. But to me, the reader, this falls short as a stand alone piece.

Write for yourself, of course, and be true to your own calling and style as a writer, but remember, every true writer wants to be read to share with the audience what you think has value not only for YOU but also for THEM!

To have a good story, you must close the circuit with the reader...otherwise you'll have what you have here, a working lightbulb that has no juice flowing to it and thus produces no light.

Good luck!

gr8writer

I don't know if it was your intention or not but I felt that the character was confused or lost. I think it needs a little bit of work, nothing major. Sometimes you just need someone elses point of view on it cause you're too close. Don't know what I can suggest though, I'm still learning how to write myself.

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Healing

Be gentle, it's my baby.
j/k have fun you won't hurt my feelings.