No, Chowlie. No. - Writers Forum

Forkfoot · 02-29-2008, 08:21 AM

One time when Chowlie was six he decided to stand on one foot. He stood on one foot outside in his front yard. Pretty soon, his friend Joe came along and stopped to look at him.

“What are you doing?” asked Joe.
Chowlie told him what he was doing.
“O,” said Joe. “Why are you doing that?”
Chowlie just shrugged. He invited Joe to come over and stand on one foot with him, and he did.

Pretty soon Lindsey came by and stopped to look at Chowlie and Joe. She approached them slowly and carefully.
“What- what are you guys doing?” asked Lindsey.
Chowlie told her what they were doing.
“Oh. Wh- um, oh. Well, why are you doing that?”
Joe and Chowlie just shrugged.
Lindsey looked back and forth with a very nervous and concerned expression on her face.
“I’m tellin’,” she said, and left.

Pretty soon Lindsey came back with her mom. Lindsey’s mom glared at them.
“What is this? What the hell is this? Why are you doing that?”
Chowlie and Joe just shrugged.
“Well it’s stupid. You should stoppit.”
Chowlie and Joe looked at one another.
“What? What are you- You know what? This is- this is so stupid. You’re stupid, Chowlie and Joe. Come on, Lindsey, don’t look at them anymore. They’re stupid.”

Joe waited until they were out of sight, then started crying. Chowlie tried to say nice things to him, but Joe ran away and left Chowlie all alone, standing on one foot.

Pretty soon some big kids came along on their bicycles. You could tell they were big kids because they were big and wore backwards baseball caps, and because they all had great big sneers on their faces, which were stained with Slurpee juice. I hate big kids.

“What are you doing?”, they sneered.
Chowlie told them what he was doing.
“What? Why are you doing that? Are you, like, a retard or something?”
Chowlie didn’t know what a retard was, and he told them so.
“Hahahahaha! Chowlie doesn’t know what a retard is! That means he is one!”

Mrs. Wong walked came along with her walker as the big kids were taunting Chowlie.
“Hey, Mrs. Wong,” they said, “did you know that Chowlie’s a retard?”
“Oh, yeah?” said Mrs. Wong.
“Yeah, look at ‘im! He‘s a retard!”
“Hey, yeah, he is, huh?” said Mrs. Wong. “Let’s all point at him and call him a retard!”

The big kids and Mrs. Wong made a circle around Chowlie and started singing “Chow-lee’s a ree-tard! Chow-lee’s a ree-tard!” and laughing and pointing. This hurt Chowlie’s feelings a lot, and he really wanted to stop standing on one foot because of it. He wanted to stop so everybody would stop making fun of him, but he also really didn’t want to. He didn’t want to stop because, even though everyone was telling him he was being bad for doing what he was doing, he thought that, maybe, it was really them who was being bad. The more Chowlie thought about this, the more sure about it he became. Chowlie decided that, no matter how long they were mean to him, he was going to keep standing on one foot.

The crowd around Chowlie was getting bigger, because people kept hearing all the commotion and coming along to see what it was all about. As soon as they understood what was going on, they’d join in with everyone else to point at Chowlie and call him a retard. Pretty soon all that noise woke up Chowlie’s mom, and she came outside. Everyone stopped singing and backed away when she came out. Chowlie’s mom looked at Chowlie, then slowly looked around at the crowd, then back again to Chowlie. Chowlie was very happy to see his mom. Maybe she would make everyone stop being mean to him.

“Chowlie? Chowlie, honey, what are you doing?”
Chowlie hesitantly told her what he was doing.
“O- oh, you are, are you? And- and why are you doing that?”
Chowlie just shrugged.
“Okay, well, honey, I want you to stop it now and come in side, okay? Come on, baby, come with me now.”
Chowlie just stared at her.
“Chowlie, did you hear me, love? I- I said come inside now. Chowlie, come inside!”
Chowlie kept staring at her. He couldn’t remember feeling more confused and unhappy.
“I‘m going to call your father!” said Chowlie’s mom, and ran inside.

There was a long silence after Chowlie’s mom slammed the door. The crowd had gotten even bigger.
“Hey everyone, let’s all spit on Chowlie!” someone said.
Everyone laughed and agreed and gathered in to take turns spitting on Chowlie. Chowlie set his face like stone and stared straight ahead. He had already made up his mind that no one would see him cry, even though they might not even notice his tears now because of all the spit.

“Hey, look, it’s Joe!” said one of the big kids.
Joe was watching the crowd from behind a tree across the street.
“Hey, Joe,” said the big kid. “Come over here and spit on Chowlie with us!”
Joe just stared at the big kid with big, scared eyes.
“Come on, Joe! If you don’t come and spit on Chowlie, that means you’re a retard, too!”
Joe came out from behind the tree.
“Come on!”
Joe slowly walked across the street. The crowd parted as Joe walked up to Chowlie. He looked at Chowlie, then closed his eyes because of the look on Chowlie’s face.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” said the big kid. “Come on, Joe. Spit right in his big, disgusting eye!”
Joe scrunched up his face, which was turning bright red, and balled up his fists. His whole body was shaking. Suddenly, he opened his eyes, spat right in Chowlie’s face, and ran away as fast as he could.

Everyone pointed at Chowlie and laughed and kept spitting on him and calling him names. Chowlie closed his eyes as tight as he could and tried to think about flying. Chowlie always thought about flying when things were bad, and he still does, even today. It wasn’t helping this time, though.

That’s when Chowlie’s dad drove up. He was driving really fast, and he slammed on the brakes when he reached the front of his house, so it made that noise, like ‘REEEEEAAAATT!’, that your brakes make when you do that. He jumped out of the car without taking the time to turn off the engine or close the door and ran up to Chowlie. His face was bright red, and his eyes were bulging out of his gigantic head like eggs. Everyone got out of his way.

“You… monster!” he screamed, and punched Chowlie in the face.
Chowlie fell down. His dad leaned over and stuck his gigantic finger in Chowlie’s face.
“Never! Do that! Again!” he screamed, then went back to his car and sped off.

Everyone laughed when Chowlie got hurt, and they gradually started leaving to go find other things to do. A few of them came over to Chowlie to spit on him a few more times before they left. Chowlie didn’t respond, and lay there for a long, long time, looking up at the sky, and thinking.
“Never do that again,” his dad had told him.
Chowlie never would.

writeforfun · 02-29-2008, 12:46 PM

Well, it is a story - not a realistic one, but one that tries to make a point, anyway, about being different or doing something different and the price you pay for doing it. It also speaks to the ignorance and intolerance of people for somebody different.

I like the name, Chowlie, weird but OK. I can see this as a pre-teen or early teen story -- not for little kids or for adults, really, but one that can make a point.

The writing should be tightened in places i.e.: His face was bright red, and his eyes were bulging out of his gigantic head like eggs

could be better stated: His eyes bulged like eggs out of bright red face.

The reactions of people could be a little more measured, too -- the adults and especially the dad seem too hysterical.

Just Jim · 03-02-2008, 05:10 PM

Hi, I agree with WriteForFun about the teen thing. Mrs. Wong is identified for no particular reason. She doesn't have a role different from the others who gather around.
"You could tell they were big kids because they were big and wore backwards baseball caps, and because they all had great big sneers on their faces," That's really clever.

Tiamat10 · 03-02-2008, 05:22 PM

Certainly different from the run-of-the-mill story, I'll give you that. But I agree it's a kid's story. Still interesting though.

SevenWritez · 03-02-2008, 05:34 PM

Kid's story? Whatever, this is better than 98% of the stories posted. I really liked the theme of it, and the whole one-legged thing added a mystery that lured me along. I'm a bit dissapointed that there was nothing revealed about why he was on his leg, but once I realized what I had just read, I let my dissapointment fade. This is a fluid piece, writing that works because it doesn't try too hard and forces nothing down the reader's throat. I'd try and be a little more coherent, but I ish sortsa teepsy ryte now u'know?

Anyways, excellent piece. I look forward to your next story.

wren · 03-03-2008, 07:53 AM

This is great - I especially love that he's just standing on one leg and that it isn't for any particular reason. That's the great thing - you don't have to be making a statement about something to be singled out as different.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writeforfun

The reactions of people could be a little more measured, too -- the adults and especially the dad seem too hysterical.

I agree - I can see kids pointing and making fun, spitting etc, but the adults seem to be just as childish and I really wondered what his mum had told his dad he was doing to warrant that!

"You could tell they were big kids because they were big..." I know it goes on a bit more, but this seems a little redundant.

"I hate big kids." Sudden change of POV - is Chowlie thinking this or did you mean to break the fourth wall. I actually think it works to break the fourth wall, but it's something to consider.

"Chowlie always thought about flying when things were bad, and he still does, even today." Sudden time travel - would work better if there were other mentions of how Chowlie was before this event and today, but on it's own it's a bit out of the blue.

Those were the bits that popped out at me. Very good though and I wouldn't label it as just being for kids either - I think readers of any age would get something out of this.

Forkfoot · 03-06-2008, 09:39 AM

Wow, gosh, I really gotta spend more time on this forum; didn't think anyone would post on this story. Thank you all very much for your feedback, suggestions & compliments. I think some of the things in this story (like the breaking of the fourth wall & the changes in time perspective) would be a little less wierd when read in light of the other stories I write, which often do the same thing. I'll definitely make a point of spending more time here, I've mostly been doing my reviews on another forum, but I'll try & go over some of you guys' work as soon as I can.