adrianhayter

I would suggest you rewrite everything except the title-that has promise although I think it's been used.

Adrian

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I really disliked this the first time I read it, the second time, not so much. The satire is savage, and I guess that means the reader had better be in the right mood

ArlenOrobono

Honestly, I think you've stepped over the line. Some of us are trying to be helpful to the original poster. Your comments are unnecessary.

Just Jim

It is a great title.

You started with What's oral sex ? It's when you talk dirty. If had found two more questions with that kind of answer it would have been funny.

Could you make a short story out of it ? I don't know.

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http://jimsstories.wordpress.com/
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The Oddville Press
Accepting short stories, poetry, and art.

stanza-reel

(to adryan) I don't mind. I like it when people write comments that completely poop on this short story. Hell, I made this story to be bad, and I was expecting 99% of the posters to flame it. It's simplicity made it funny to some, amateurish and stupid to others. It's not like that is the only way I can write. I can write much better, but I just chose to be profane, and welcome comments hating the story. They are funny

Summerhaze

Guys, it's a joke. Sure there's no punchline or anything like that, but it's a just a little blurb of fun, you don't actually think he thinks this is literary gold, do you? Maybe he was just feeling a little down and wanted to brighten things up a bit, so he wrote a short silly story. Maybe he was lying in bed listening to his ipod when the past snuck up on him and suddenly Blink 182 - Family Reunion came on, and he just wanted to write something dirty and completely repulsive.
BUT IT'S FUNNY. Just laugh and move on, don't take it so seriously.

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lin

So, other than a few loose lugnuts, we're agreed: jack up the title and run a new story in under it.

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SevenWritez

The irony of your post is hilarious. And I was helpful. I said the story was fine, because it is. You'd have to be an idiot to think he was trying. It was obvious from the get go that he was having a fun little scribble with the story, and that's why it was enjoyable. If I offended you by saying it was stupid to say something along the lines of it needing a punchline or 'better character development,' then I'm sorry. Well, no, I'm not, but the funny thing is, is that this story is better than many of the others on this site, pointless or not.

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If you're good at something, never do it for free.

wren

not sure this belongs in the short story section without more to it, but doesn't have a punchy enough ending for a joke.

Personally I liked it, but then I find the strangest things funny sometimes

ArlenOrobono

There is no irony in my post, you simply misunderstood me. I was not referring to your comments on the story, but your comments towards lin and the rest of us. Regardless of whatever the author's silent intentions may have been, we assumed he was looking for some feedback, which we gave. Calling us literary twats, and proceeding to blatantly insult lin was unnecessary and quite frankly, offensive.

stanza-reel

Silent? hmmm, I think I explained why I wrote this in two other posts. Funny how the simplistic things inflate into these situations. Feedback? I wasn't expecting any... Sometimes people just feel like writing something down.
Whatever.

ArlenOrobono

You explained your intentions -after- we offered suggestions. My point still stands.

shraga

Short, cute, and piontless.
It could be an interesting beginning to a bigger story, maybe some kind of flashback explaining why Freddie is so screwed up now.

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Shraga Y. Weissmann
Israel
Pease critique my humor for Chompers (744 words)

Truth-Teller

A joke?

Wasn't this posted under short stories?

lin

Don't jokes have punchlines?

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Mr Sci Fi

Your work included. I thought my stuff was bad, but wow, your stuff is atrocious.

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"The writer you envy today will probably have reason to envy you tomorrow." - Orson Scott Card