The Devil Drink - Writers Forum

D-Day · 02-27-2008, 11:57 PM

.: Ok, let's get one thing straight. This is by no means a lingual masterpiece. I actually repressed my vocab to try and write from 1st person of a little kid, so it may seem a bit awkward and simple at times. This is also rather depressing, or at least I hope it is. It's not meant to be funny. Anyway's I'm just gonna stop talking now:.

My name is Sam, but I like Sammy better. I am two and four years old, that means I am six. I am a tall six-year-old; I am nearly as tall as my teacher! I live with my Mummy, Jill my sister who is two years less than me, and my Daddy. I used to have a dog too, but one day I left the gate open and he ran off. Daddy was very angry that day, he yelled and yelled at me while Mummy tried to calm him down.

Daddy is very mad today too. I am in my room with the door shut, and Mummy and Daddy are screaming outside. Mostly Daddy is screaming, while Mummy sounds scared. I am scared as well, but Jill is crying under her blanket as I pat her on the back and tell her everything is alright. I didn’t know though. I want to go out and tell them to stop yelling, but Mummy told me to lock the door and not come out for any reason.

Jill is still lying in her pink bed, her body shaking with each sob. I cried a bit too, but not as much as her. This happened a lot; sometimes Daddy would come home and drink some of the Devil’s Drink, as Mummy told us. She said it was alcohol, and that it was very bad and that we should never ever ever touch it. I can spell it better than Jill can. I can spell lots of things. Mummy always said I was smart.

Daddy is yelling louder now. I heard Mummy scream, so I opened the door a crack and looked out. Nothing. They must be in the kitchen. I heard Mummy scream again, so I, as quietly as I could, tip-toed out of the room and down the hall. The kitchen door was shut, so I opened it a tiny little bit so they wouldn’t see me.

As I peered in the room, I saw Daddy standing up, while Mummy stood facing him. SMACK! I saw Daddy hit Mummy. SMACK! He hit her harder this time, knocking her over. Mummy lay on the floor crying as well, like me and Jill. Daddy looked very angry. I couldn’t take it as I saw Daddy preparing to hit Mummy again. Daddy once told me it’s wrong to hit girls, so why did he hit Mummy?

I ran in the room and grabbed Daddy’s really big leg, to try and get him to stop. His eyes looked funny as he shook me off, hurling me into a wall. I hit my head. Mummy cried harder now, begging Daddy to stop, but Daddy wasn’t listening. I ran out of the room, now I was angry too. Tears ran freely as I rushed into my room and started grabbing my things. Jill watched me with big eyes holding her favourite teddy bear as I told her that I was going to leave.

I packed my torch, my rock, my action figures, and some lollies for when I was hungry. I sneaked around to the front door and looked back at the kitchen, where I could hear loud screaming. I held my head in my hands, and put on sunglasses to hide my tears. I didn’t want people to think I was crying. I walked to the edge of the block, and took one look back. I saw Jill standing out the front, holding her teddy. It was really hard for me to turn around and keep walking, ignoring my little sisters cries.

Tiamat10 · 02-28-2008, 04:39 PM

This is depressing. And not at all funny. It's good though. There were just a few things that I didn't think fit well from a six-year-old's voice.

"Jill is still lying in her pink bed, her body shaking with each sob."

I don't think "...her body shaking with each sob" is characteristic of a little kid.

"I heard Mummy scream again, so I, as quietly as I could, tip-toed out of the room and down the hall."

From my experience, little kids don't usually use adverbs properly, so I just think "as quiet as I could" would fit a little more.

"His eyes looked funny as he shook me off, hurling me into a wall."

What six-year-old knows the world "hurl"?

Other than that, though, it was good.

wren · 03-03-2008, 06:33 AM

I don't think you have to worry about it being funny

I agree with Tiamat - it's a very good story but some of the vocab/structure doesn't quite match how I imagine a child would react. I agree with the bits Tiamat picked out but I would also add that it's a little too logical/introspective...I'm not quite sure how to get across what I mean, but I imagine a child being far more immediate - if something so terrible is happening he's not goign to start by introducing himself and saying how his dad has been bad before. Similarly when he runs out of the room is he going to think "I am angry" or is he just going to feel all knotted up inside - maybe you don't need to say how he's feeling but have him act out in some way to show it instead (kicking something etc). He's very mature in some ways (he's able to turn his back on his sister even though he doesn't want to and puts on sunglasses to hide his tears though little kids cry all the time), and at other times I think you over-emphasise his age to compensate ("grabbed Daddy's really big leg" - he grabbed his Dad's leg, his dad's leg is the same size it's ever been. Try to show it a little more "grabbed Daddy's leg, but when I shook him he didn't even move" - bad example but you get the idea).

The only other thing was I was wondering why his mum n dad just let him run off - his sister comes to see him off almost, but his parents don't even seem to notice. This may be perfectly true - they're in a fight after all and might not notice anything else - I just thought it was a little funny. Maybe he could still hear them shouting as he leaves or something.

All in all though it's a good story. A bit of an edit could make it into something really powerful.