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Mentor
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Scandinavia
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,707
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Hell Hath No Fury
I wrote this story awhile just as kind of a spoof on religion and mythology in general. Problem is, as I read back over, I think it may just come off as ridiculous instead of amusing. And I think it may be confusing for people who don't know mythology (particularly Norse). Comments appreciated!
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Calculating eyes regarded the brawl that had erupted in the Holy Cow Pub.
Jesus Christ, called Jay by his friends, smiled to himself. “And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. Give me a break.”
“Hey!” shouted one of the men in the thick of the fight. “Why don’t you and your Bible-thumping ways get outta here before I come over there!”
Jay chuckled. “Bible-thumping? If I were you I’d be more concerned about other things being thumped right now.”
“You miserable piece of—”
The angry man’s sentence was cut off by a Coors bottle smashing over the top of his head.
“Told you,” Jay said, tossing a few dollars on the table and rising from the bench. On his way to the door, he paused where the man had fallen. “Hey guys, cut this nonsense out, would you?”
“You shut up mister or I’m gonna come finish what he started!”
“Suit yourself then,” he replied as he continued on toward the door. As he was leaving, Jay called back over his shoulder, “Gee, is that sirens I hear?”
The bar fight stopped and was punctuated by the sound of the door clicking shut before someone shouted, “He’s right! It’s the cops!”
Men poured out of the Holy Cow Pub as Jay slowly ambled down the street. At the intersection, he looked to the left and saw a familiar face sitting on a bench in the gas station parking lot.
“Hello, Lucifer,” he called out as he approached.
The man on the bench raised his head. “Didn’t expect to see you again so soon, Jay.”
“Yeah, well, the world’s just full of surprises, isn’t it?”
A grunt was the only reply.
“May I sit?”
“Go for it.”
An awkward silence filled the space between them after Jay seated himself on the bench.
“Look Luc,” he began, trying to find the words. “I’m sorry about what happened.”
No response. He picked at a loose thread on the leg of his jeans.
“I really am sorry. How was I supposed to know that would happen?”
Luc arched an eyebrow. “There are some that say you’re omnipotent.”
“And there are some that say you’re some kind of a fiddle virtuoso.”
“Touché,” Luc muttered. “But you’re Jesus Christ. I mean, it’s not like Heaven is some distant place you’ve never been to. You had to know something would happen, especially after your failed attempts to bring them back in line.”
Jay shrugged but didn’t reply as the uncomfortable silence descended on them once again.
“I got fired today,” Luc said.
“Fired?” Jay replied. “Already? Why?”
“I kind of gave my boss the plague.”
“Wha…?”
“The guy wouldn’t get out of my face just because I was a few minutes late,” Luc snapped. “Honestly, you live through all the ages, and some egotistical little turd tries to make and example of you just to show that he can!” He sighed into the night.
“Well,” Jay began. “How could you get fired for that? I mean, it’s not like they can say you gave him the plague on purpose. They don’t know who you are.”
“Before I infected the little weasel, I said I would have him skewered like a pig so that I could watch him squeal.”
“Oh. Well… Nicely done, in any event.”
Luc sighed again. “What am I going to do?”
“You could always take back your throne.”
“You think I haven’t already thought of that option? I’ve tried.”
Jay arched an eyebrow. “Apparently not hard enough. I mean, they’re only Vikings.”
“Only Vikings? Have you already forgotten the burning and the pillaging? They slaughtered your people, I might add. Because your guys didn’t—and still don’t—know when to stop their babbling.”
“But it was my guys that tamed them in the end,” Jay pointed out.
“Yeah, but you still couldn’t keep tabs on them in Heaven, could you? I thought you had that all set up for them, but no. Their stories of Valhalla had them expecting a bit more than you could deliver.” Luc snorted. “So you sent them to me instead, and now look what’s happened.”
“I told you, I didn’t know they would usurp you. I mean, it’s just so… unexpected. You’ve got Hitler and all his Nazis down there right in check, but a couple sea-faring warriors are too much.”
“Then maybe you should have a go at it, Jesus Christ Almighty.”
“Fine,” Jay said, nodding as he considered. “Odin’s not speaking to me right now since I beat him at chess last week, but I think Thor might help out.”
“You can’t be serious. You’re gonna ask Thor for help? But he’s such an ego-maniac.”
Jay laughed. “You ain’t kidding, but he owes me for postponing the Jörmungandr thing.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Haven’t the slightest,” Jay said, rising to his feet and clapping Luc on the back. “So I would recommend that you check the classifieds in case this takes awhile. I ain’t covering your rent, Old Scratch.”
Smart ass,” Luc muttered.
Jay only smiled to himself as he made his way to the end of the street.
~
“Nice lightning bolts,” Jay said, nodding to the glimmering, golden beams mounted on the stone wall.
“Thank you,” Thor mumbled around a mouthful of meat and poked the mutton leg at them. “Hepaestus made them for me. Lost a bet. The fool said Mjolnir’s lightning bolts weren’t as bright as his. Ha! The poor fool won’t soon forget the lump I made on his head to show him Mjolnir’s lightning!”
Apparently pleased with himself, Thor dissolved into a shaky bout of laughter before tearing another mouthful of meat off the bone.
“Sorry,” Jay said. “Did I come at a bad time? I didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner.”
“Nonsense,” Thor said, wiping flecks of meat and spittle out of his thick, red beard. “This is just a snack.” He placed the remains of the goat leg on the table with the rest of the roasted animal and then lightly touched the ribcage. The steamy, seasoned meat began to contort itself and morph rapidly. A moment later, a perfectly healthy goat snorted indignantly and hopped off the table.
“Pay no attention to Tanngrisnir,” Thor continued, clapping Jay’s back and leading him to a chair draped in animal hides. “He’ll get over it. Always does. What brings you to Asgard today, friend?”
For a moment, Jay considered commenting on Thor’s obvious desire to show off but then thought better of it. Giving the thunder god cause to be indignant certainly wouldn’t make him any more inclined to help.
“Well,” Jay began, “Odin and I usually play chess right around now, but apparently he’s still in one of his moods about our match last week.” It didn’t hurt if Jay did a little bragging of his own, however.
“I heard about that,” Thor said and grinned. “So you beat the wise guy. Even Mímir is keeping his head low because of it. Taught Odin how to play, after all. You’d think Ragnarok had come with the way they’ve been moping around.” Thor laughed again. “Serves them right, I say. And you’ve come to gloat, have you?”
“No,” Jay shook his head, a small smile on his face.
“I would if I were you.”
“Then let’s go on pretending that I’m still me and you’re still you,” Jay said. “Actually, I came to ask you a small favor.”
Thor arched a bushy eyebrow. “Is that so? The King of Kings and Lord of Lords needs a favor from a heathen god. Well, let’s hear it.”
“You haven’t heard about Lucifer’s dilemma, I take it?”
“Do you mean the one about you dumping your load on him and him taking the heat for it? Or is there another one?”
Once more, Jay bit back a sharp retort. “Yeah,” he muttered. “That’s the one.”
“I believe I caught wind of it, but what’s it got to do with me?”
“I’m prepared to let them back into Heaven, into Valhalla, but I need some help persuading them to come. They seem a bit… reluctant, let’s say, to let go of their new-found power in Hell.”
Thor’s roaring laughter echoed off the cold stone of the walls, causing Jay to frown to himself. Not that he hadn’t anticipated that reaction—in fact, he had counted on it, but it irritated him nevertheless.
“You bet your holy derriere they’re reluctant,” Thor said, turning serious. “And rightly so. You give them one stinking hall in your eternal paradise and then wonder why they caused such an uproar.”
“You don’t understand, do you?” Jay said, crossing his arms. “Heaven, the Elysian Fields, Nirvana—all of these are supposed to be quiet, peaceful places of rest for the chosen, but how exactly can they be that when your bearded warriors are always chasing valkyries around like madmen.”
“Look,” Thor said, coming to his feet and towering over Jay. “You were supposed to have that worked out with Odin, alright? Not my department. I see no reason to help you fix the mess you made.”
“Not your department?” Jay repeated, eyes ablaze. “No, that’s right. All that’s left of your department is the final battle against the Midgard Serpent. Oh, but wait a moment. I seem to remember someone coming to me not all that long ago, politely requesting that I postpone the second coming. Looks to me like the mighty Thor rather likes his position as a god. And when the Serpent’s poison takes you, then what? There might not be a Valhalla for you.”
Thor shot him an angry look. “If I die in battle, there will indeed be a Valhalla.”
“No,” Jay shook his head. “That’s not how it works, and you well know it. You have to meet all our criteria—yours, mine, Zeus’s, everyone’s—to be allowed in.”
The thunder in Thor’s eyes died and he threw himself back into his chair with a huff. “So that’s how you’re going to do it, is it? Blackmail.”
“You misunderstand me, Thor,” Jay said, regretting his outburst. “I’m just reminding you of the favor I once did for you and asking that you return it. That’s all.”
After a long pause, Thor looked up and met Jay’s eyes once more. “Alright,” he said. “I’ll help you.”
Jay smiled. “Thank—”
“You will do no such thing!” an imperious voice bellowed.
Both Jay and Thor jumped involuntarily and turned their heads to the sound of the voice. Odin’s tall, lean form filled the doorway as he frowned behind his long white beard.
“Not until he and I have settled our little dispute,” Odin continued, his single eye glaring. “I challenge you to a contest, Nazarene. Do you accept?”
“What’s the contest?”
Odin shook his head. “That is of no importance. Do you accept or not?”
“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” Jay answered. “Of course I accept.”
“Good. Tomorrow afternoon, Hugin and Munin will come and show you to the place.”
When Odin’s intimidating form left the room, Jay looked to Thor. “What do you think he has in mind?”
“I have no idea, but whatever it is, I certainly don’t envy you this contest.”
~
The following afternoon, Jay rested in the grass enjoying the sunshine when two ebony ravens landed next to him, squawking annoyingly.
“Is that you two already?” he asked, stretching and yawning.
More squawking.
“Alright, then. Where are we headed?”
Hugin and Munin took to the air once more and circled above Jay’s head.
“And just what do I need a horse for? Don’t tell me this contest is a horse race, boys. That’s low even for him with that eight-legged horse of his.”
The ravens cackled as they continued their circling.
“Fine then. But wherever it is that you’re taking me, we need to stop in the Elysian Fields first. I see no reason not to play by Odin’s rules.”
~
The sun reflected brightly off the lake water as Jay flew in behind Hugin and Munin. Together, the three of them descended into the small crowd that had gathered. Hugin and Munin landed lightly on Odin’s shoulders, squawking animatedly, while Jay brought his mount down next to them.
“Pegasus? You brought Pegasus?” Odin’s eye was wide. “That’s cheating!”
“What’s cheating?” Jay asked. “Matching two horse gods against one another? I hardly think so. Cheating would be more like trying to match that eight-legged monster of yours against an ordinary horse.”
“Fine,” Odin huffed, and then mumbled loud enough for Jay to overhear, “Sleipnir can beat that feather-brained beast any day.”
“Then let’s find out,” Apollo said, striding towards them. “I’ll be the judge for this little squabble, so pay attention now while I tell you the rules.”
He waited until the talking had died out before continuing. “Now, both Sleipnir and Pegasus can fly, but I think we should keep this one on the ground. Second, this is a race, not a battle, so no attacking of your opponent or his horse, got it? Last, the race starts between the two willows over there, and you’ll be running up the thin stretch of land that leads across to the other side of the lake, a distance just shy of one Roman league. The first one across the lake is the winner. Any questions?”
When no one spoke up, Apollo nodded once. “Good. Take your places, then. Ready? On my signal. Three… Two… One… Go!”
With cries of excitement, both Jay and Odin put heel to their mounts and were off in a cloud of dust. There was no doubt that both were evenly matched as they galloped side-by-side down the dirt path.
Jay had a feeling that Odin would try to cheat in some way, so he didn’t pull ahead when he had the opportunity. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Odin glance at him as they were coming up to a bend in the path. Leaning closer to Pegasus’ neck, Jay tried to complete the bend and pass Sleipnir, but Odin blocked him and, using Sleipnir’s superior size, pushed Pegasus closer and closer to the edge of the path.
Gritting his teeth, he tried to slow Pegasus down enough to pull out of the trap, but it was no good. Just as they were finishing off the turn, Odin jerked on the reins and pushed Jay and Pegasus over the side.
Unable to help it, Pegasus snapped his wings open and soared high into the sky with a snort.
“Don’t worry about it,” Jay said, patting the horse’s sweaty neck in reassurance. “He’s already cheated, so we might as well use this to our advantage. Head straight for the finish line.”
“Hey!” shouted Odin from the ground. “No flying!”
When Jay only waved at them, Odin cursed in frustration and led Sleipnir into the air.
They were nearing the finish line now with Odin still a fair distance behind them but closing the distance with remarkable speed.
Just before they reached the finish, Jay leaned down and whispered to Pegasus. “You know what to do.”
At those words, Pegasus reared up in mid-air, bucking and neighing in apparent agitation. They were so close to the end, but Pegasus wouldn’t stop fighting. Odin and Sleipnir flew past them in a blink and landed gracefully on the lakeshore.
It was over. Odin had won.
Poseidon rose out of the water to congratulate them as Jay led Pegasus down to the beach, feigning disappointment.
“I told you Sleipnir could handle that beast of yours!” Odin called.
Jay jumped off Pegasus’ back and rubbed his muzzle reassuringly. “Then my sincere congratulations to Sleipnir for his speed and agility.”
Odin laughed heartily. “Alright, Christ. Because I’m in such good spirits, I’ll return the Vikings to their place in Valhalla. Next week, you and I can work out how to improve it so that this little incident doesn’t repeat itself.”
“Deal,” Jay said, nodding his appreciation. “I’ll go give Luc the news.”
Odin looked around. “He’s not here?”
“No.” Jay grinned. “He started a new job today.”
~
“Welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your order?”
“Oh my me,” Jay said, taking in Luc’s apron and hat. “This is what you’ve been reduced to?”
“Oh, it’s you,” Luc said. “This is what you’ve reduced me to, yes. What do you want?”
Jay shrugged. “Just came to tell you to go to hell, mate.”
Luc’s eyes came up. “Do you really mean that?”
“With all my heart.”
A small smile of delight stole onto Luc’s face and he transported the two of them instantly to his office in hell. After walking around the room, checking that everything was in order, he sank into his chair.
“It’s good to be back,” he said. “But how did you do it?”
Jay told him about the horse race and his plan with Pegasus to let Odin win the match.
“You truly are my savior,” he said. “Though I can’t imagine how you convinced Pegasus to let Sleipnir get the best of him. That really is a miracle.”
“Well, about that…” Jay said. “You need to have a word or two with Hades now that you’re back down here. In payment, I promised Pegasus that we would allow Perseus to join him in the Elysian Fields.”
“Do you know how much paperwork that’s going to take?”
“Would you rather flip burgers?”
Luc sighed in resignation. “I may as well get that taken care of now, then.”
“Good man,” Jay said, clapping Luc on the back. “Oh, one more thing. Enjoy Odin’s good spirits while you have the chance. The rematch is next week. He just doesn’t know it yet.”
With that, Jay disappeared, leaving the Devil standing alone in his office, smiling quietly to himself.
“Yeah,” he chuckled and picked up his trident to test its sharpness. “Far better to reign in Hell than to serve in McDonald’s.”
He opened his office door and stepped out into the fiery pits of Hell, whistling a little tune to himself and prodding a few of the damned along the way to the river Styx.
Satan grinned. “There’s no place like Hell.”
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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."
- Steve Martin
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