[untitled] - Writers Forum

ButteredKazoo · 02-20-2008, 01:58 PM

As I walked up the banks of the river of blood I noticed a baby in a carriage floating down stream. Struck with curiosity I instantly about-faced and began walking down the river, alongside the infant. For years I followed this floating mystery, myself growing older and weaker with every step. The baby, however, never left its state of infancy. I spent my entire life asking questions and wondering why and now I've expired. I threw away my life and lost my spirit along the way. Chances are so have you. For the sake of the moment do not follow the baby down the river. Become the baby.

ArlenOrobono · 02-20-2008, 02:07 PM

Very thoughtful.

I see a marching band command

.

ButteredKazoo · 02-21-2008, 05:19 PM

Thank you Arlen.

Tiamat10 · 02-21-2008, 05:46 PM

Thought-provoking. Didn't expect it to go in the direction it went. Cool.

ButteredKazoo · 02-22-2008, 10:56 AM

Tiamat: Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you liked it.

Cervantes · 02-22-2008, 03:10 PM

Have you read Franz Kafka? I recommend you do.

Very thought-provoking. Enjoyable read; almost philosophic. Kudos.

SevenWritez · 02-22-2008, 03:27 PM

"Become the Baby," doesn't sound right, not with the excellent sentence that sits before it. I'd recommend changing it, not the message, but just the execution of it. Also, I didn't understand the "about-faced," wording, it momentarily slapped me out of the writing and I had to stumble back in, but perhaps this is just me. I can't say much more than that. The read is short, and the read is sweet, which is always a nice surprise to come by. Thanks for the story, and good job.

ButteredKazoo · 02-23-2008, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Have you read Franz Kafka? I recommend you do.

Very thought-provoking. Enjoyable read; almost philosophic. Kudos.

No, but I probably will some day. I've got a lot of books on my list all ready. Thanks for the feedback.

Quote:

"Become the Baby," doesn't sound right, not with the excellent sentence that sits before it. I'd recommend changing it, not the message, but just the execution of it. Also, I didn't understand the "about-faced," wording, it momentarily slapped me out of the writing and I had to stumble back in, but perhaps this is just me. I can't say much more than that. The read is short, and the read is sweet, which is always a nice surprise to come by. Thanks for the story, and good job.

Those are both things that I had thought about myself. The whole bit came to me suddenly and I wrote it down and I did re-write some parts, but I didn't want to change too much. Thanks for the advice. Glad you enjoyed the piece.

Vik · 02-23-2008, 12:23 PM

I liked the way this reads, although the last line didn't seem necessary to me. Sorry.

ButteredKazoo · 02-24-2008, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vik

I liked the way this reads, although the last line didn't seem necessary to me. Sorry.

No need for apology.

spooky buk · 02-24-2008, 06:27 PM

I agree with thing said up there too. Very nice text, and really was unpredictable in a nice way.

Up to a part, it was perfect to me. When you write "Chances are so have you. For the sake of the moment do not follow the baby down the river. Become the baby" my mind gives a suspicious step back, as considering and analyzing advices is way more complicated than staring at an image. I can't say that it's wrong, but can't assure also it's right. The image, though, of the baby along the river and everything, very very pleasant to read and wonder.

Thanks for a good text

ButteredKazoo · 02-25-2008, 07:07 PM

Quote:

I agree with thing said up there too. Very nice text, and really was unpredictable in a nice way.

Up to a part, it was perfect to me. When you write "Chances are so have you. For the sake of the moment do not follow the baby down the river. Become the baby" my mind gives a suspicious step back, as considering and analyzing advices is way more complicated than staring at an image. I can't say that it's wrong, but can't assure also it's right. The image, though, of the baby along the river and everything, very very pleasant to read and wonder.

Thanks for a good text

Thank you for taking the time to read.

ButteredKazoo · 02-28-2008, 04:55 PM

shameless bump...

wren · 03-03-2008, 06:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SevenWritez

"Become the Baby," doesn't sound right, not with the excellent sentence that sits before it. I'd recommend changing it, not the message, but just the execution of it. Also, I didn't understand the "about-faced," wording, it momentarily slapped me out of the writing and I had to stumble back in, but perhaps this is just me. I can't say much more than that. The read is short, and the read is sweet, which is always a nice surprise to come by. Thanks for the story, and good job.

I agree with SevenWritez particularly with the "about-faced". I also almost didn't read this because of "the river of blood". After reading the whole thing I can see where it comes from, but it sounds a little...melodramatic? cliche?? Not sure if either of those are the right words, but maybe it would have been better to infer blood (so it could be dark, and glowing deep red in the sunset or something (I'm not good at examples) rather than coming right out with it).

Really glad I did read it - very good and with a lovely moody/thoughtful feel without being emo.

ButteredKazoo · 03-03-2008, 07:05 PM

Quote:

I agree with SevenWritez particularly with the "about-faced". I also almost didn't read this because of "the river of blood". After reading the whole thing I can see where it comes from, but it sounds a little...melodramatic? cliche?? Not sure if either of those are the right words, but maybe it would have been better to infer blood (so it could be dark, and glowing deep red in the sunset or something (I'm not good at examples) rather than coming right out with it).

Really glad I did read it - very good and with a lovely moody/thoughtful feel without being emo.

On "about-face": I guess it was probably poor word choice, but it was the best I could come up with in ten seconds, so I kept it.

About the river being a "river of blood": It may sound cliche, but the rest of the piece is already obcsure enough. I figured it would be better to just come right out and say it. But I completely understand what you are saying here, about inferring the condition of the river.

Thank you for reading it all the way through and taking the time to give your input. Very buch appreciated. And I'm glad you enjoyed it as well.