Baldric

As an arrow pierced in to the man right before him , he started to realise something: “They were losing the battle.” The enemy’s cavalry had penetrated deep into their lines and he saw many of his friends die ,being overrun, slashed down or trampled. How did he, a simple peasant get here? Here in a battle fought by two of the largest kingdoms on Earth. “He remembered when a tall kind man had visited their home, always talking to my father or asking questions on how we‘ve been. In winters giving us food so we wouldn’t starve. He was our Lord, my father said to me one day and soon you will join his army , I once promised him that my strongest son would join him at service at age 14, that’s over 3 weeks from now …” Suddenly he returned to reality when he felt a burning pain, an arrow had planted its dart in his foot. A horn began to sound and all around him, men began to flee, “Retreat, Retreat … the horn shouted” He ran as never before, jumping over a fallen horse, running over dead bodies , friend and foe , until time stopped and he saw a horse like no-one ever saw before , a brave, strong of will ,horse , and without realising it, he grabbed its braces and led it away from the nearing enemy. After being brought to safety he had a closer look at the horse, he did however not find a tag of its rightful owner or a mark so he decided to keep he horse and name it Beja ... So does end the first chapter of Baldrics life and how he met his loyal compagnion.



Baldric



P.S : If you like this , i will post the first chapter of the story



Note : This is only a prologue

Sparkscout

No offense, but thereare alot of gramatical errors and awkward sentences, but it is your first story, so I'm sure it will improve over time. It seems like an interesting plot

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The sky is green?

Baldric

I know , let me explain to you first

1. I am a belgian student economics - languages so english is a foreign language to me , yet it is a language i can expresse myself in like in no other language.

2. I know i have to improve my grammer and other things , yet let me remind yo this is my first story ever posted and the first one of mine published on this forum.

3. Can anyone pm me some tips on how to make a good storyline ? Or give me a link to tips ? Thank you

Baldric

Sparkscout

Well that makes everything different. I had no idea it was a foreigh language, so I guess I need to commend you for translations and such. As for the story line, give me a pm on what tips you kind of want in regards to improvining the story line. It is just that everyone has their own way of telling a story.

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The sky is green?

wren

I liked it - you've got some classic fantasy themes in there that will always appeal to me. Like Sparkscout said the grammer is a little off, but as you become more comfortable with English that'll improve (and I'm so impressed by people who can write in another lanuage!).

I would say that it feels a little rushed. Try breaking it down into more paragraphs (it's got some quick action in it so short pithy paragraphs will help it read smoother). I would also say that a few things are a little underdeveloped for example he gets an arrow in his foot, but in the next sentence he's concentrating on something else entirely and it's not mentioned again. Similarly he decides to keep the horse, names it and rides off into the sunset (so to speak) in almost the same sentence. Adding a bit more detail, (e.g expanding on the horse, why he names it that etc etc) would help it feel less rushed and make it a little easier to follow.

All in all though it's good. I look forward to seeing the first chapter and congrats again for doing so well in English!!

Baldric

Thanks , really i like comment even if its good or bad. I learn from it and i've seen some pretty good tips here on the forum too. I'm now rewriting the story's Prologue and then the rest of it. I wil try to post the first 3 Chapters against Easter. i have examination on the 03/18 so i'm offline ti'll 03/25

Tiamat10

I liked it... but I do think it needs work. For starters, this is excellent for someone who speaks English as a second language. (Actually, if you're from Belgium, perhaps it's your third or fourth language?) Still, very impressive for that alone.

But, if you want to market it to an English-speaking market, it will need some work. I don't anything new to add to the critiques you've already gotten though. I actually agree with everything Wren said. Just do all that.

Good work so far though.

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"I'm a woman, we never say what we want. But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it." - Sliding Doors

Baldric

Thanks , and @ Tiamat10 actually english is my 4th language. I study Roman & German languages as option with my economics and i also follow dutch( orginal language) french , german and english. Yet again thanks for the comment.

Baldric

Please go and read my first Chapter