lemonavenue

I want to write something longer for you guys to critique, but I think this will do for now. I wrote this about a year ago and edited it slightly so it fit my current style, though since it's in first person it shows more of my character's style. Or at least me trying to sound like him.


When Diachi placed the sword in my hands I gripped it instinctively as if it were a baseball bat like the one my father gave me. On weekends my father used to sneak me out of the house to practice in the park while my mother shopped, because he was the only one who believed he wasn’t letting me down by teaching me baseball. The scabs covering these memories were too thick to penetrate, yet I felt their warmth like an unseen flame. My kinship with the sword was as powerful as it was immediate.

The fibers sheathing the hilt felt out of place. I stiffened to hold the weight of the steel. As I tilted my wrists I felt the weapon’s center of gravity shift and my heart raced. Diachi adjusted my grip. He said something else at this time which slips my memory; all I recall is the feeling. As my arms moved the sword spread its weight and I experienced a new sensation. With the vanishing of my nostalgia, the sword’s purpose became clear. In my hands was a cutting weapon, a tool for death, decapitation, disembowelment, amputation and impalement. Power dizzied my senses, rejuvenating and invigorating. I asked Diachi to show me some moves.

He molded me into each basic position of attack, the movement of my body slowly clearing my mind and returning me to my old self, with modifications. There are pieces of me so lost I cannot even give them name. In time they would be replaced by greed and a thirst for blood that was already beginning to wet my teeth, but even I did not know that in those days.

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Mike & the Bots
Making fun of my bad posts since 2/14/08.

Egab

Wow, I really like it. And thats not how I usually start my Critiique posts.

Not much to comment on, I don't have anything that hurt my eye while reading, and the text does not feel out of context for me. (Maybe becouse I know how it feels like holding a sword for the first time.)

"In my hands was a cutting weapon, a tool for death, decapitation, disembowelment, amputation and impalement." - This line is my favourite, probably becouse I would have written it in a same manner as you did.

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nia mora

I really like this. The description part is amazing but I'm a bit confused on the theme. Is it just the idea that something so simple could cause so much damage? Or the narrator's weaknesses? What I'm thinking it is, is the sword is taking over the narrator, turning him into something he's not. I'm not sure if that's what you were aiming for. If it is, I would definitely try adding some personification to the sword. Such as the sword mocking the narrator because of his naivety, or something.

Not quite sure ^.^

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lemonavenue

I don't want to give away the theme, but I guess it would help the critique if you knew. The theme has to do with loss of innocence through the desire for power.

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rumpole40k

I like it. As I recall, the first time I held a sword, I tried the old "baseball bat" method too. The only line that bothers me is "In my hands was a cutting weapon, a tool for death, decapitation, disembowelment, amputation and impalement." Couldn't you just say it was a tool for death? That holding it filled your mind with images of decapitation, disembowelment, amputation and impalement.
Either way, it rings true and I liked it.

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Katastrof

Hmm...I'm on the fence with this one. On one hand I liked it, but on the other I think its a bit wordy. Like you could still tighten it up.

One really good thing that made me like it was how you described the handling of the sword. It never felt imaginary, but instead, realistic. I don't know if that is how it really how it feels, but you convinced me. Good job.

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lemonavenue

I can sort of agree that it is wordy in a few places. However, I am considering adding another paragraph between the first and second paragraphs. I'm not sure what it's going to be about yet.

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rumpole40k

The first time any of my students ever handle a live sword, they always tighten up and feel nervous. even those with a natural flair for it. You might tackle that.

Rumpole40k

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A humble wolf with dreams of being on a stamp, releasing an autobiography, having a film made showing his daily struggles, having a world wide fan club... - Code Red

"Doing? You're doing what ANY sane man in your appalling circumstances would do. You're going mad." - The Killing Joke.

mythologicalrealities

I liked everything except a few words in the first sentence...

"I gripped it instinctively as if it were a baseball bat"

I would change that to being

"I gripped it instinctively as though it was a baseball bat"

But thats really minor and I like everything else, it's very poignant.

nia mora

Oh okay. I see it now. Sometimes I tend to miss things. Maybe something to make it even more interesting, is to add a bit of lust into the narrator. You said it is a "desire" for power. I'm seeing the power but not so much of the desire. I do see it in "my heart raced." Maybe the narrator could lick his lips, or have beads of sweat forming at his brow?

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Reilly Roark Larson

I would suggest something. To me, every man ever born has an innate desire to kill. Now, I don't mean the actual process of killing another human being, but more as a metaphor for the evolutionary processes that allowed us as a species to survive over similar species. We have this thing, like rage, but more primal. Rage seems like an emotional reaction to an intellectual motive. This thing is more about absolute power. Just think about all the young boys who play war. There is a time when death seems so unreal, that it can't actually happen, so we played at it like the ultimate fantasy, comparing how Joey or Timmy spun when shot or flipped when the pretend grenade hit them.

I don't know how many times I've watch Braveheart and as those two armies clashed, I could feel myself there. I'm running with my sword high and screaming. Right when we reach the enemy, I slash down, and then up and then around. The enemy are falling at me feet. This isn't real to me though. This is primal play. It's something from deep in the male soul to win, to dominate, and in by way protect. This is being the war hero.

The problem is, when one finds the enemy dead at his feet, it's too late to do anything about it. It's too late to take it back. To me, this isn't the loss of innocence so much as the loss of society. This is the change from the rational to the primal, from being human to being an animal. Some men can come back from this. We've seen it in our fathers and grandfathers, and we've seen when they don't make it back. I've seen Vietnam veterans lost in a memory of fright and killing hatred.

To me, loss of innocence is about sadness and regret. It's about shame and morality. Where as the transformation of rational to primal is about loss of morality itself.

I think if you go with a direction of that loss, and not of just learning about the horrors of man, you'll find a more true ideal of a character. To me, this is should be the driving force of your character. It should more internal, more an awakening.

That's just my little rant though. Take it as you see it.

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lemonavenue

That's really deep, Reilly. I'll definately take that into consideration.

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Making fun of my bad posts since 2/14/08.

writeforfun

Not a bad start to a story, but not a story in and of itself.

best lines:
There are pieces of me so lost I cannot even give them name. In time they would be replaced by greed and a thirst for blood that was already beginning to wet my teeth, but even I did not know that in those days.

This suggests a lot of promise in story and character development.