Fish - Writers Forum

nia mora · 02-15-2008, 11:06 AM

Hey everyone. I just found this from my old creative writing class. I want to revise it but I'm not sure how. The title is still a work in progress. A warning though. This story is very... abstract? I guess I could say that. Please be nice.

I stay still. Calm. Staring. Wondering. Questioning. I see a flake of food floating at the surface. I swim up to seize it. A few bubbles escape my mouth. This is my daily routine. Think and eat.
A pair of eyes stare in at me. Blue eyes. Curious blue eyes. Those eyes feed me. Feed me food, yes. But they also feed me thoughts. What is beyond these four glass walls? The eyes know. I call this creature Blue, for its blue eyes.
Blue feeds me when the bright light shines. Blue leaves. Blue returns later. Blue feeds me again. The bright light disappears, then the white ball rises, and Blue feeds me. Now I stare up at the ball, though it is not a ball tonight. It is shaped like a tail fin, curved.
What is this object? It creates light, and as it rises it splashes droplets of its light into the blackness, and there they stay. When the bright light returns, the droplets disappear with the ball. Beautiful. Beautiful like the rippling surface of my home. Beautiful like those eyes.
Blue is back, drops a few flakes in the water. I feed. Blue taps on the wall then leaves. I am alone. I explore my home, though I already know every corner of it. There is nothing to do. No one to talk to. I am alone. Blue returns. Blue’s mouth moves and I feel vibrations in the water. It is trying to communicate. Blue opens the door to my home but does not drop in a few flakes. Something else drops in. A companion. I am not alone anymore. It swims to a corner and stares. It is confused. I slowly swim to it; it faces me.
“Hello,” I say.
“Hello,” it says.
“Where are you from?” I ask.
“I am from a blue place with a bright light above. I have been taken from my family and friends and put into a plastic catacomb. Now I am here.”
“It is nice here,” I say.
“Yes, very nice.”
“Quiet… and nice.”
Blue stares at us staring at each other. Blue moves. Flakes of food appear at the surface. My companion and I eat. Yes, it is very nice here. We swim, I show my companion around my home. It is a very nice home.
The bright light disappears; Blue feeds us. Now we are still. We are thinking. The white ball rises and the droplets are splashed onto the blackness. My companion stares.
“It is beautiful.”
“Yes it is.” I answer.
“What is it called?” My companion asks.
I stop to think. I am quiet.
“I do not know.” I finally say.
My companion continues to stare at the beauty.
“Shall we think of a name?”
I look at the speckled blackness. The droplets remind me of what I see in Blue’s eyes. Beautiful. “We shall not name them”
“Why?” asks my companion.
“A name takes away curiosity, and only true beauty is filled with curiosity and wonder. We wonder. We make it beautiful by not knowing.”
My companion and I gaze into the blackness, and watch the droplets dance across the sky. Beautiful. I was never alone to begin with.

Damian_Rucci · 02-15-2008, 11:54 PM

Well......that was an odd read. I liked it I had a feeling of insanity, the way it was depicted. I can't break it down and look at it grammatically (cause I suck at it) but it looks good. It was definitely different than what I expected when I read the title. But different is good sometimes, and it was good for this short story. It was a good read

nia mora · 02-15-2008, 11:58 PM

Thanks for taking the time to read. ^.^ What I'm trying to get across is the "fish-have-a-5-second-memory" thing. You know, with the choppy sentences. And then contradicting the stereotype that fish don't have feelings when really, this fellow is an intellectual. And we should learn from the simplest things in life.

I dunno really! It just came out one day while I was staring at my fish tank.

Damian_Rucci · 02-16-2008, 12:02 AM

lol! "hmm I like my fishies lets write a story about fish memories!" well it turned out good I didn't notice the whole memory thing, it could be because I'm like dead beat tired.

nia mora · 02-16-2008, 10:55 AM

Hahaaa. Thats exactly what I said.

cowboyclown · 02-17-2008, 10:29 AM

Ya, that’s got a hook... pun intended, and a twist, and definitely coming from a different slant.

This idea works as I've Known more than a few who use this point of view to tell a story. Sometimes it works great to drive a point home, sometimes good for adding humor and often times a indirect method of dealing or explaining difficult topics...

About grammar, structure, and punctuation... forget that, I'm just a cbc so am no help... Though a person ought to take those things seriously if one wants to be taken seriously as a writer...

Crash_Tomas · 02-17-2008, 11:29 AM

I used to have a japanese fighting fish and the natural life of them is one year. It didn't die until 3 or 4 years. Well, to get to the point, I was reminded of him. I called him Frank. But everyone in the house decided his name was blue, cos he was blue. and I didn't like that name cos of the dog show blue.

Frank just seemed a better fit for a japanese fish, lol. cos it's not japanese at all.

sorry that I didn't critique at all...I just had to talk about Frank...cos he was an awesome fish.

Amadeus · 02-17-2008, 12:44 PM

Yes, the title aint right, but it's very atmospheric and somehow wonderful. I would expand it. Suerte!

nia mora · 02-17-2008, 06:04 PM

cowboy - So do you believe I did do okay with this point of view? Or should I try something different? I'm not sure what you're trying to say with that. And you are probably talking about my sentence fragments, which were intended. Literary license

I used fragments to get the "short-term-memory" across. Do you think it works?

Crash - Frank seems awesome! I wish I could've met him. Lol.

Amadeus - Any suggestions for the title? And how should I expand? I'm not quite sure how I would. I don't want it to be too bulky.

cowboyclown · 02-17-2008, 09:27 PM

Ha, heck of a writer I am I am... can't seem to succeed in typing a compliment. I thought the talking fish was fantastic and spot on... By the way very hard to pull off well... and you did excellent...

And no... I was simply stating I am a poor judge of grammar and sentence structure so someone with more proficiency would have to advise you on that part of your draft... As far as I'm concerned the story read smoothly and flowed well...

Cheers cbc

Zensati · 02-17-2008, 09:43 PM

Good stuff! and an interesting perspective. This was well written. I kind of felt bad for those fishies though...

nia mora · 02-17-2008, 10:39 PM

Oooooh okay. Thanks cowboy. Haha I'm a bit slow on the uptake.

Why did you feel bad for the fishies Zensati?

choco27 · 02-17-2008, 11:00 PM

oh wow.
i love the concept of this. fish in a bowl, in such a small, simple, enclosed environment, and yet it feels peaceful and calm. you would think stories like this would have a more restless feel, like they would want to see more of the outside world, and yet letting it be so mysterious is just as satisfying. especially using the moon as the object of beauty and wonder, since it usually has such a whimsical theme. i think this is very well written, and it achieves nice simplicity.

nia mora · 02-17-2008, 11:08 PM

Thanks choco! To tell the truth I wasn't expecting this great of feedback. Thank you for reading it and enjoying it!

This is actually kind of a true-ish story. I mean, I've never heard my fish talk, obviously. But I used to have a fish tank sitting on my dresser next to the window. And at night when the moon came out, they would look out the window at it. Weird huh?

crowe1120 · 02-17-2008, 11:26 PM

Nia, this is a great story. My only suggestion would be to expand it if you feel like you can, but I love the short choppy thoughts. I read them thinking to myself, 'I bet that is how a fish runs thoughts'. Oh yeah, how about "Walls of a Fish" or "A Conversation with a Fish" for titles...they probably aren't the best suggestions, but maybe it will spark something. Keep up the great work, love your stuff.