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| Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words. |
02-18-2008, 12:49 AM
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#16
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: In your imagination
Gender: Male
Posts: 912
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nia mora
Oooooh okay. Thanks cowboy. Haha I'm a bit slow on the uptake.
Why did you feel bad for the fishies Zensati?
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Those fishes lives are so limited. I guess they might be happier enjoying the freedom of the ocean. Anyway just a thought.
Sometimes people live their lives like they are fishes in a fish bowl. |
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02-18-2008, 07:32 AM
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#17
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
Gender: Female
Posts: 63
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Thanks Crowe. Those are good title ideas! I like "Conversation with a Fish" but I don't want it to be as obvious ya know? Maybe something a bit more abstract.
Zensati - Yeah they are trapped.. Where are goldfish native to anyway? I guess they are descendants of koi... so they are probably from Japan.
Poor fishies not allowed to go back home  And sometimes it is better to live life as if you were a fish in a bowl. Just the mind set though.
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Let the monsters see yousmile
-Vega4
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02-18-2008, 02:23 PM
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#18
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Scribe
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 75
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Quote:
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What is beyond these four glass walls? I do not know.
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I would delete the red.
Quote:
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Blue opens to door to my home but does not drop in a few flakes.
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the
The fish refers to its companion as an it. Maybe it would be better as a he or a she.
I liked the terse style. You could write a whole book like that. It's easy to absorb the details. Good job. |
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02-18-2008, 08:46 PM
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#19
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
Gender: Female
Posts: 63
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Ah thanks for catching that typo! Hmmm... should I make it a he or she?
Thanks for the read by the way! 
__________________
Let the monsters see yousmile
-Vega4
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02-19-2008, 01:13 AM
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#20
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: In your imagination
Gender: Male
Posts: 912
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nia mora
Thanks Crowe. Those are good title ideas! I like "Conversation with a Fish" but I don't want it to be as obvious ya know? Maybe something a bit more abstract.
Zensati - Yeah they are trapped.. Where are goldfish native to anyway? I guess they are descendants of koi... so they are probably from Japan.
Poor fishies not allowed to go back home And sometimes it is better to live life as if you were a fish in a bowl. Just the mind set though. |
I'ld rather be a shark wandering the Sea, than a fishie trapped in a bowl! |
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02-21-2008, 08:32 AM
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#21
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
Gender: Female
Posts: 63
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Just bumping
__________________
Let the monsters see yousmile
-Vega4
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02-26-2008, 01:04 AM
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#22
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 252
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My title would be, "Aquarius". Also, I would introduce a little fear; only because when I introduce a new fish to the others in my tank, sometimes it leads to a little piscine tension! My expansion of yer story might lead to a curious cat, looming in the glass, and the fish wonders just how safe his world actually is! But then, perhaps that would be too macabre. Notwithstanding all that, the "blue" is what makes it for me.
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02-26-2008, 01:19 AM
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#23
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 7
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I enjoyed this story. Very interesting read, the choppy style is unorthodox but it works well. I would have had a little bit more happening, but otherwise this is a very nice, fascinating short story.
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02-26-2008, 07:46 PM
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#24
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
Gender: Female
Posts: 63
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I really like that title idea Amadeus! I'll change it in the Word document now!
Hmmm and about the expanding part... would it take away from the general meaning of the story? I don't want it to sound like I'm rambling. But I will DEFINITELY add the idea of fear in my original copy. I like that idea a lot.
__________________
Let the monsters see yousmile
-Vega4
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02-26-2008, 07:57 PM
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#25
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: America.
Gender: Male
Posts: 909
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Ha, for some reason this reminds me of Hemingway, just the metronomic point-by-point of each sentence. I don't mean this in a bad way, either, as I am a huge fan of the guy, but I thought I'd just throw that out there. Anyways...
Quote:
Originally Posted by nia mora
It is a very nice home indeed.
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For some reason 'ineed,' just doesn't feel right. Your fish has a simple personality to it which adds all the charm, but with 'indeed' it felt to me as if that little guy temporarily stepped out of his character bounds. Aside from that, I like this piece, but I think it could do without the the last word.
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02-26-2008, 09:05 PM
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#26
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
Gender: Female
Posts: 63
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Oh okay. I see that now. I just changed it.
About the last word... do you mean that literally or figuratively?
__________________
Let the monsters see yousmile
-Vega4
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02-26-2008, 09:53 PM
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#27
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: America.
Gender: Male
Posts: 909
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I just meant take off 'indeed.' Nothing else.
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02-26-2008, 11:18 PM
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#28
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
Gender: Female
Posts: 63
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Oooooh okay. I thought you meant the end of the story. Silly me 
__________________
Let the monsters see yousmile
-Vega4
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03-03-2008, 11:43 AM
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#29
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
Gender: Female
Posts: 63
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bump
__________________
Let the monsters see yousmile
-Vega4
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