Amadeus

She was wearing a pencil-skirt and I was easily led. Thus did I follow her out of the main ballroom into the gardens where the jasmine hung in the air and the moon seemed a little closer.

A mandolin began to play softly from who-knew-where. I took my Destiny in both hands and threw it in the bushes. It lay there moaning softly. I crept up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She spun around, slowly yet violently, yet gracefully, yet still she kept spinning. Eventually, she came to a stop. Her eyes were widened in terror at the intrusion. Or was it...

A passing bridesmaid passed us by, all dressed in gold with a floral tiara in her golden hair. She paused only to be sick in the bushes. I noted she had opted for the salmon.

'Tis you,' she said - not the bridesmaid, the other one - 'you've come. I knew you would.'

'Did you?' I said.

'Yes, I did,' she said waftily. Not easy, believe me. I could tell she'd done it before. Or was she....

'I was drawn to you,' I admitted after a pause - not a pregnant pause, this pause was more virginal, but a pause nevertheless. I'd heard a rumour that the pause had been seen down the strip last Friday night, but I refused to believe it.

'Well,' I said breezily - much easier. 'I'm here now.'

'So am I,' she said, lowering her eyes, which were wider than ever and that's a long time. The mandolin seemed to rise, the moon appeared even closer, the jasmine was overpowering, the bridesmaid was apologising to my Destiny for the mess.

'And?' we said in tandem and together. My, how we laughed!

'But, it's impossible!' she cried.

'Nothing's impossible!' I cried louder.

'It can never be!' she cried louder still.

'Pardon?' I cried at the top of my voice.

Then I realised it wasn't her. Or was it.....

I thank you!

Dr. Apopolus

My head literally just fell off...

Right.

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Happenstance

qwertyman

Hi Amadeus - I know what is wrong with this, it has to be spoken by an actor/stand-up. It doesn't work off the page

'Thus was I led...', perhaps.

It will be difficult to make this work. Firstly, you didn't throw your Destiny in the bushes you pursued it. Secondly, the image of throwing Destiny away is substainable but not if you give it the ability to moan. It can lay there sulking or something but moaning breaks a barrier.

Slowly yet violently doesn't work for me.

Now that you have established the fanciful tone of the piece you might get away with this but not in this form. 'She kept spinning until she had squeezed the last drop from the romantic cliche... is probably what you mean and probably what you should have written.

'Or was it...excitement at seeing me etc.' is, I presume how you would of continued... this has to be spoken with the right inflection to convey the thought behind the elipses.

Has to be spoken. And the rest to the end - has to be spoken.

I'm not sure Amadeus, could it be funny in the hands of a stand up comedian maybe, with a little tidying up. Certainly, it would only be substainable if the comedian went off at tangents at regular intervals, i.e the 'pause' section could be developed into an anecdote and then return to the script and so on.

Hope this helps.

Judika

I like to laugh which is why I opened this piece. But it didn't even make me smile. Perhaps it is like another poster said, better read aloud or something.

Amadeus

it breaks yer heart