HippoHead

i read all of it... for some reason i couldn't stop

nah but it's readable. i like readable things. readable extracts are better than the usual dull crap that gets published where everyone has a name that no-one can (not even the character him/herself) pronounce
i wasn't bothered by any of the grammatical curiosities as i don't much care about grammar and it's extremely homosexual ways.

here's hoping that part 2 has a lesbian scene! :}

Frabes

Sorry I didn't get to this last night. Midterm week.

Well I think that a few paragraphs in it becomes obvious where the story's going. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just that you drag it out way longer than necessary. We get that her tits are growing. We get that nothing fits. We get that she's hornier. And, way before the character, we understand that the pills are to blame.

You could easily tighten this until it's about two-thirds of it's current length. Get rid of what you don't need. Limit your description a little bit. Let us know that she's changing, let us know how it's affecting her, but do it once or twice and move on with the rest of the story. Good writing has as much to do with editing as anything else, and I think here is the perfect example.

Also, the first scene is disjointed a little bit. Maybe find a way to separate the flashback stuff from everything else.

Uh, you did read the last line, right T.W.?

No, they weren't. Actually, if you'd written something like this without addressing the sexual aspect, I'd have been pissed.

Anyway I like your start, now let's see the rest. There are quite a few ways you could go with this, and I'm interested to see where you take it.

Oh, one more thing--

Dr. Hardrod? Seriously? You can be more creative than that.

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A Kind of Truth

Frabes

yikes.

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A Kind of Truth

Frabes

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A Kind of Truth

Frabes

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A Kind of Truth

Lora

Sorry about the repeated post. Obviously, something stupid and beyond my control happened.

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"How beautiful are the retired flowers! how would they lose their beauty were they to throng into the highway crying out, "admire me I am a violet! dote upon me I am a primrose!"

Lora

I'm on board with the lot who felt things were overly descriptive. I never thought I'd catch myself saying that, but in this case it is appropriate. I usually tend to be pretty liberal with description. I agree with Industrial that the other senses should be used more. I realize that many of the guys would appreciate the subject matter of this story (and some women), but it is not really my cup of tea. Other women just don't do it for me so I have to admit I didn't read the entire piece. It's not that other women's sexuality freaks me out, it's just that I lose interest. On the other hand, if this were about men I might bite that hook. I noticed there were a few areas that were a bit too cliche. I realize that you were trying to portray Carmen as an airhead, but using the word "like" in writing, unless being used as a simile, irritates me to no end. Using her interactions with others would bring that point out better anyway. Right in the beginning there was a little too much ambiguity about which woman was being referred to. Maybe replace some of the her's and she's with Carmen and Heather. This draft has some pretty good work so far, still needs some fixes on grammar.

You can find some of my work under Writing Workshop titled "Untitled...still" at http://www.writingforums.com/writer-...led-still.html also I have something under non-fiction titled "My Father's Big Surprised" at http://www.writingforums.com/non-fic...-surprise.html
thanks in advance for any criticism you may have.

__________________
"How beautiful are the retired flowers! how would they lose their beauty were they to throng into the highway crying out, "admire me I am a violet! dote upon me I am a primrose!"

Lora

I'm on board with the lot who felt things were overly descriptive. I never thought I'd catch myself saying that, but in this case it is appropriate. I usually tend to be pretty liberal with description. I agree with Industrial that the other senses should be used more. I realize that many of the guys would appreciate the subject matter of this story (and some women), but it is not really my cup of tea. Other women just don't do it for me so I have to admit I didn't read the entire piece. It's not that other women's sexuality freaks me out, it's just that I lose interest. On the other hand, if this were about men I might bite that hook. I noticed there were a few areas that were a bit too cliche. I realize that you were trying to portray Carmen as an airhead, but using the word "like" in writing, unless being used as a simile, irritates me to no end. Using her interactions with others would bring that point out better anyway. Right in the beginning there was a little too much ambiguity about which woman was being referred to. Maybe replace some of the her's and she's with Carmen and Heather. This draft has some pretty good work so far, still needs some fixes on grammar.

You can find some of my work under Writing Workshop titled "Untitled...still" at http://www.writingforums.com/writer-...led-still.html also I have something under non-fiction titled "My Father's Big Surprised" at http://www.writingforums.com/non-fic...-surprise.html
thanks in advance for any criticism you may have.

__________________
"How beautiful are the retired flowers! how would they lose their beauty were they to throng into the highway crying out, "admire me I am a violet! dote upon me I am a primrose!"

Lora

I'd have to say I'm on board with the lot who felt that things are a bit too descriptive. I never thought I would say that, since I am fairly liberal in the description department, but in this case it is entirely appropriate. For example, the detailed description of the nurse is a little too much because she is a static character (i.e. she's not a main character). I realized some idea of her sexyness is needed but it's a little too much. I agree with Industrial that using more of the other senses would help. The very beginning of the story is a little too ambiguous as to which woman is being referred to. Try replacing some of the she's and her's with Heather or Carmen. Try stating their names right at the beginning. I can be lazy and don't like to have to work to hard when reading for pleasure. I liked the play with words for the Doctor's name, Hardrod...Cute. There are a few too many cliches, i.e. "glared daggers". Whatch out for that. Finally, I have this huge pet peeve of using the word "like" in writing unless it is being used as a simile. I realize that you are trying to show Carmen's airheadedness, but her interactions with others can better show that anyway. Using "like" dates your story. It's like watching a movie in which the characters say things like "gag me with a spoon". Hope that at least some of this was helpful. Except for a few grammatical errors, this is a pretty good draft. Nice work.

If you wish to return the favor you can find one of my stories under the non-fiction thread called "My Father's Big Surprise" and another under Writer's Workshop called "Untitled...still". Thanks in advance for any criticism you may give.

__________________
"How beautiful are the retired flowers! how would they lose their beauty were they to throng into the highway crying out, "admire me I am a violet! dote upon me I am a primrose!"

Lora

I'd have to say I'm on board with the lot who felt that things are a bit too descriptive. I never thought I would say that, since I am fairly liberal in the description department, but in this case it is entirely appropriate. For example, the detailed description of the nurse is a little too much because she is a static character (i.e. she's not a main character). I realized some idea of her sexyness is needed but it's a little too much. I agree with Industrial that using more of the other senses would help. The very beginning of the story is a little too ambiguous as to which woman is being referred to. Try replacing some of the she's and her's with Heather or Carmen. Try stating their names right at the beginning. I can be lazy and don't like to have to work to hard when reading for pleasure. I liked the play with words for the Doctor's name, Hardrod...Cute. There are a few too many cliches, i.e. "glared daggers". Whatch out for that. Finally, I have this huge pet peeve of using the word "like" in writing unless it is being used as a simile. I realize that you are trying to show Carmen's airheadedness, but her interactions with others can better show that anyway. Using "like" dates your story. It's like watching a movie in which the characters say things like "gag me with a spoon". Hope that at least some of this was helpful. Except for a few grammatical errors, this is a pretty good draft. Nice work.

If you wish to return the favor you can find one of my stories under the non-fiction thread called "My Father's Big Surprise" and another under Writer's Workshop called "Untitled...still". Thanks in advance for any criticism you may give.

__________________
"How beautiful are the retired flowers! how would they lose their beauty were they to throng into the highway crying out, "admire me I am a violet! dote upon me I am a primrose!"

Lora

Sorry about the many, many copies of my post. I have no idea what happened, but obviously it was something hinky with this website and completely out of my control. It looks like I am not the only one.

__________________
"How beautiful are the retired flowers! how would they lose their beauty were they to throng into the highway crying out, "admire me I am a violet! dote upon me I am a primrose!"

Lora

Sorry about the many, many copies of my post. I have no idea what happened, but obviously it was something hinky with this website and completely out of my control. It looks like I am not the only one.

__________________
"How beautiful are the retired flowers! how would they lose their beauty were they to throng into the highway crying out, "admire me I am a violet! dote upon me I am a primrose!"

Lora

Sorry about the many, many copies of my post. I have no idea what happened, but obviously it was something hinky with this website and completely out of my control. It looks like I am not the only one.

__________________
"How beautiful are the retired flowers! how would they lose their beauty were they to throng into the highway crying out, "admire me I am a violet! dote upon me I am a primrose!"

Cristina P

I guess I just thought the name Dr. Hardrod was funny !!

Cristina P

I guess I just thought the name Dr. Hardrod was funny !!