crowe1120

He stood there dazed and confused in the cold Montana wind; the glacier cold air chills him right down to the bone. His hair is slightly wet, from a shower taken not 20 minutes ago, begins to freeze into ice cycles. Standing in that cold wind can chill your soul and seems to take a piece of your heart with every gust. When that chill comes down from the north with a vengeance, like a clan of Vikings, it rapes and pillages your spirit. He had enough of the wind’s beating and began to walk across the iced road that use to be made of asphalt, but now seems more like some frozen pond in the North Country. Each step is a test on his balance and is a battle to keep from slipping. His feet slip with each of those steps beneath his cowboy boot, which have been water stained from the snow falls of late.
Walking up to his car he pulls out his keys from the warmth of his pants’ pocket. Sticking the key into the key hole he attempts to unlock the frozen lock, but it won’t budge an inch. He wiggles the key a few times in order to loosen the lock, and it finally gives way to let him in the truck. The little ford ranger was freezing cold, as he turned the engine over; he sat there for a few minutes to let the heater warm the cab. Sitting there for a few moments thoughts ran threw his head like waves rushing in off of the coast to hit rocks along an Oregon beach. Thoughts of a love that had recently slipped right out from underneath him and blindsided him with pain he had never felt before. The coldness almost seemed to match the feeling in his heart that day. It seemed as if his heart’s coldness brought about the wicked weather in Montana. He knew that there was no logical reason for this to be true, but it seemed like every time a storm hit this Montana land the same storm seemed to hit his heart.
He pulled the shifter down into reverse, slowly began to back out, shifted back into drive and headed out of the parking lot. The drive through town seemed to take hours when in actuality it only took twenty minutes. He was headed towards the interstate to escape this town, often referred to by him a hell zone, and find somewhere new. A dire change was needed on his part and had to happen fast as he could drive. A destination had not been determined yet, however, he knew there had to be some warmth involved in the climate. This cold harsh winter has taken toll on his spirits and he needed to find a getaway.

anythinggoes

One of the main problems with this piece so far is your tendency to sound cliche. In the first line, you use the phrase "dazed and confused", which each of us has heard before. There are so many other great words to describe this feeling; say something that makes a familiar feeling sound fresh. Same with "chilling to the bone". There are instances of this throughout these paragraphs; try to replace them with something original.

You also tend to go too far in your descriptions. Describing the wind as a clan of vikings isn't bad, but extending that to describe the rape and pillage of a soul makes your initial, promising simile seem trite. Similarly, your constant references to the cold bore the reader. We'll get the idea that "cold" is a theme here if you mention it here, allude to it there, adopt some "cold"-themed words into your syntax.

I would suggest seriously reworking this piece with this advice in mind. Good luck!

anythinggoes

One of the main problems with this piece so far is your tendency to sound cliche. In the first line, you use the phrase "dazed and confused", which each of us has heard before. There are so many other great words to describe this feeling; say something that makes a familiar feeling sound fresh. Same with "chilling to the bone". There are instances of this throughout these paragraphs; try to replace them with something original.

You also tend to go too far in your descriptions. Describing the wind as a clan of vikings isn't bad, but extending that to describe the rape and pillage of a soul makes your initial, promising simile seem trite. Similarly, your constant references to the cold bore the reader. We'll get the idea that "cold" is a theme here if you mention it here, allude to it there, adopt some "cold"-themed words into your syntax.

I would suggest seriously reworking this piece with this advice in mind. Good luck!

anythinggoes

Sorry this posted so many times - my computer's acting up and I don't know how to delete threads!