salmon the creative

It was twelve o clock at night and Martin suddenly began to find himself slowly drifting off to sleep. It had been a long day. His boss had told him his standard of work had slipped over the last few months and because of that, he was now un-employed. His ex-wife, Lynda, informed him that she and his daughter, Melinda, were moving away to France to start a new life. Martin knew he hadn’t been much of a father figure to his daughter recently but he was devastated that his daughter, his little princess, was being taken away so suddenly. Everything Martin had known was slipping away around him like novices on ice. The only comfort he now began to seek was from the contents of a half empty whiskey bottle.

Martin stood up out of his tatty armchair. He had drunk so much whiskey and vodka that his vision was waving around as though he was walking on a cruise liner stranded in open water during a storm. The television had turned itself off after hours of no activity and the room was only illuminated by a fading candle located on the mantelpiece. Martin no longer had a reason to get up in the mornings. There was no reason to go to bed anymore. He began to contemplate what would have happened if things between him and Lynda hadn’t crippled. He would still be with his daughter and with his wife and the job he was good at and loved with all his heart would still be listed on his CV. Martin held the whiskey bottle up to the light and gazed at what he had been drinking abnormally for the past hour. Everything he had done to mess things up was swirling around his mind. He was angry at what he had done. Angry at what the alcohol had done. He raised the bottle high into the air and brought it crashing to the ground. Thousands and thousands of glistening glass fragments scattered all over the room and the brown liquid that was contained within soaked into the mat. Martin fell to his knees and didn’t bother when the glass pieces dug into his knees. He began crying uncontrollably and grabbed a large piece of glass from in front of him. Martin could see his face staring back him from the glass. A pathetic, deranged, useless, idiotic man, he thought. Not worth the bother…

Martin held the glass to his wrist. He knew what he was about to do wouldn’t be painless but he didn’t have any alternative. This life no longer yielded any purpose for him… Just as the point of the glass was merely seconds away from piercing Martins artery and bringing along a long death, there was a knock at the door. He slowly stood up and walked towards the door. Whoever it was, nothing would stop him from doing what he was going to do. He opened the door and his wife, Lynda, and their daughter, Melinda, were stood there – gazing into Martins eyes. He didn’t know what they wanted but he wasn’t going to turn his family away.
“What do you want? It’s past midnight” Martin said, hiding the glass fragment in the hand he was using to hold the door open.
“We wanted to come and see you before we said goodbye. It won’t be long now.” said Lynda. She held Melinda’s hand and walked past Martin and into the house without invitation.

Martin closed the door behind them and watched as they strolled into the kitchen and sat at the table. He looked down at the glass in his hand and placed it down onto the table beside the door. In his mind, perhaps salvation had come at last.
“We won’t be long Martin. Melinda just wanted to say goodbye to you before we leave” whispered Lynda. Melinda was still awake but was gently drifting in and out of sleep.
“We wouldn’t have to say goodbye if you weren’t taking her to France. Cant we just talk about this?” Martin asked although he knew she wouldn’t change her mind. “She’s my daughter as well”
“You know why we are going away Martin. You were the one who went behind my back and had an affair with Yvonne. You were the one who was too drunk to look after your own daughter when she wanted to visit you. You and I both know this is the best thing” replied Lynda. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her. I can’t let her go when I know she wants to say goodbye to her daddy”
“I know what ive done in the past is unforgivable and I’m ashamed of that but theres nothing I can do to make up for it…”
“Yes there is Martin. You can let us go to France – start a new life away from all of this. I have sat there at night sometimes and listened to her cry in her bed because she wanted you. It’s heartbreaking” she said as she gazed down at Melinda who was now fully asleep.
“But do you want to move away? Leave all your friends behind and your family?” Martin said.
“I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing what’s best for my, our, daughter. Surely you can’t deny her that after what you’ve done?” she replied. She checked her watch and stood up.
“We have to go soon. I don’t know why I came here she isn’t even awake to say goodbye. “Lynda smiled but Martin could clearly see a tear emerging from her eye. “I wish things were different but they aren’t. Im sorry things have come to this.”
“When you get there, will you make sure you give this to her?”

Martin went out of the kitchen and into the living room. Amidst all the broken glass and mess, he picked up a necklace that he had brought for Melinda as a present for her eight birthday. He never got around to giving it to her because he collapsed on the day after he had drunk several bottles of wine. The time had come for her to receive it.

“I want you to give this to her. I think it will fit” he said as he handed over the piece of jewellery to Lynda. “Make sure she has a good life with you”
“I would never do anything opposite. If I thought she wouldn’t enjoy it, I wouldn’t take her thousands of miles away. “She whispered as she put the necklace into her pocket. Lynda stood up and grabbed her passport off the table. As she did so, Martin took hold of her hand. She was trembling.

“Are you alright? It’s not that cold in here…”
“Im alright. Im just not a big fan of flying. Heights make me un-easy.” She said as she held Martins other hand. “I know this is not going to be easy for any of us but you will get used to it. I know you and you’re a fighter. Just please promise me one thing before we go.”
“What?”
“Make sure you get your life sorted out. Stop the drinking, start making something out of your life. You’ve got a fantastic career ahead of you just make sure you make the most out of it. I will be watching over you every step of the way”
“What do you mean?”
“Never mind. You will know sooner or later.”
Lynda let go of Martins hands and scooped Melinda up from the chair and started carrying her out of the front door and into the car. Martin knew deep down that Lynda was right – Melinda needed to get away from everything. He just wished he had been different. Lynda came back into the house.
“Just one more thing before I go.”
She walked forwards and gave Martin a kiss on his cheek. She hadn’t done such a thing since they were married years ago but he knew that it wasn’t a passionate kiss. It was just a kiss goodbye.

Lynda walked out of the door and closed it behind her. Martin went to the window and watched as it disappeared from view. That was it. His daughter was gone. This quick encounter was all that he had left to remember his daughter by. Even though he had made Lynda a promise to make something of himself, he couldn’t think of any reason why he should. He glanced down at the glass he had left on the table. Two thoughts were going through his mind – should I or shouldn’t I? Before he had chance to decide, there was another knock at the door. He opened it and expecting to see Lynda again, he saw the police.

“Are you Mr. Ashcroft?” the police officer said.
“Yes why?”
“I have some news about your daughter and your ex-wife. They were involved in an accident this evening on the way to the airport. Im sorry sir but they were both killed in the car.”

Martin fell back from the doorframe. Not only was he in utter shock by the news that the two people he cared about most were dead, he was shocked that the police were telling him this when he had seen them minutes earlier.

“There must be a mistake. They both came to this house minutes ago to say goodbye before they went to the airport. You must have got the wrong people” he said to the officer calmly because he knew it to be true.

The police officer looked behind Martin into the living room.
“Are you drunk sir?”
“That’s irrelevant. Im telling you, they were here minutes ago. They cannot be dead its impossible”
“Sir, there were two females travelling in the taxi. One little girl aged around eight years old and an adult woman. Your daughter was carrying a passport with the name Melinda Ashcroft. Im sorry sir but wither you are drunk or mistaken” said the police officer calmly and gently.

Martin couldn’t face the police anymore and slammed the door in their face. In his mind, he knew the officers claims must be true but he didn’t want to believe it. He had seen them minutes ago before they had gone… That’s when it suddenly dawned on him. Lynda and Melinda must’ve visited him from beyond the grave to give him a last message. All that Lynda had said about leaving and watching over him forever. She was giving Martin a message before they had gone. Martin stood up and went into the living room. He remembered what Lynda had said to him about making something out of his life. She would have been watching over him at that moment. He looked at a photo of them together on the fireplace.

“If you’re there darling, I just want to say im so sorry for everything ive don’t to you both. “he sobbed emotionally whilst holding the photo to his chest. “Im not going to break your heart anymore and im going to make sure I heed your wish. Goodbye sweetheart”

Martin knelt onto the floor and gazed into the photograph because that was the only thing he had left to remember his sweethearts by…










I would like to know what you think of this short story. It didnt take me long to write and i think i have done well with it. Its not the finished product because i am going to check back through it and add/remove words/phrases where i see fit and make it better. I just wanted some feedback as to what you think is good, needs improving and what needs removing. And also id like some spelling/grammar checks because my spell check on my computer seems to have a life of its own sometimes... lol

Thanks

Salmon <><

salmon the creative

does anyone have any feedback at all? If you do i would like to hear it thanks

salmon the creative

Please give me feedback its been around two days now and no one has posted anything so please please please thanks

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MY CURRENT PROJECTS:

Well, writing, what do you think?!

Lora

I think perhaps you should take out a lot of the stuff that tells the reader how Martin feels and let us figure it out through his actions. For example: Take out "He began to contemplate what what would have happened..." and remove the sentence after that one. These two sentences are redundant. I already know he's upset about his broken marriage and lost job. Then you could spice up the paragraph that begins with "Martin held the glass to his wrist...." by giving longer snapshots of his movements, what things looked like, etc. Take advantage of this area of drama and drag it out. Also, I don't think I can believe that any decent mother would bring the kid with her for this conversation, because it has the potention for something bad to happen, even if she was sleeping. I know I wouldn't. Anyway, nice rough draft, hope that helps some.

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"How beautiful are the retired flowers! how would they lose their beauty were they to throng into the highway crying out, "admire me I am a violet! dote upon me I am a primrose!"