Playing With Myself - Writers Forum

witioni · 01-22-2008, 12:09 AM

What do you want to be, I probe, she laughs, whatever you want, black dress looped around her ankles, stiff nipples, goose bumped skin, I tease my finger tips, what do you want to be, I ask again, but cherry lip gloss seals my lips. Stop, she says, just let it go. So I do and for this dog a treat, she dips below to play her tongue and the music it can sing over and around, my head loses itself. I give up and lean back to see the movement of the piece and drift up into the starry back light of my eyes and hum the music of the night because tonight, somehow, god has chosen me to be his savior, standing close and to the edge, arms outstretched to part the cloudy skies, touch the cosmic fucking answers, I rip the spear from out my side, reasons for sacrifice and honor and responsibility weighted firm within my hand, fuck it, fuck it all, I cast it all back in, fast and straight. Get me away from this fucked up hill top, I cry, galloping hard into the night, away from the harsh cries and shaking fists behind me, away from the half hearted attempts and impartial whims to nowhere, away from the crushing weight, pressing itself deeper, shoving itself into my life, away from everything except this, the silent rocking of my indecision, hard dick and wet pussy, white and creamy, sliding itself up and down around me. We ride for as far as I can. But in the distance quick upon the chase I hear the rhapsody echoing after me, oh nothing really matters, the clouds themselves drop hot and moist to give us strength , oh nothing really matters, you’re no spring chicken mother teases, oh nothing really matters.... and for a second, condensed infinitely down into a universe of time and space, I am there, and he has me holding everything I am meant to be, for now and forever more. I smile to know the truth and breath out, let go and drift again, below the streets to settle and lay my dreams to rest. Far into the night I fall....down, down, down... back into the morning light to run amongst the rats and others stuck along the chase. I pull myself up, touching her here and there, running my hands through her hair. So, I probe again. She smiles and turns, times up.

Truth-Teller · 01-22-2008, 01:21 AM

Lol.

This is why I like erotic.

Not because they write good, but because they get to the meat of the story, without any frills and circumlocution.

Malone · 01-22-2008, 05:26 AM

Hmm. Okay, at first I thought the narrator was a guy, then a girl, then a guy with a whore. I'm really tired and the screen is a little wavy, so maybe I'm just reading it wrong. Besides that, I loved it. I love long run on sentences like you use here. The urgency they add is wonderful, and you really worked it well relaying the immediacy of the sex.
So again I'm confused. Girl on Girl? Threesome? Whore? Beating off as the title implies? Spear from the side sounds like a girl, but there has to be at least one other girl who is naked at the beginning...
Oh well. I liked it.

witioni · 01-22-2008, 12:30 PM

First off, I can't respect a person who would use such an over inflated word like circumlocution. Second, eroticism does not instantly determine whether a story is written well or not. (notice the use of well) I think it's incredibly difficult to write an erotic piece. I would like to see you use, "finger fucking and dripping wet pussy," in any piece of writing, poetic or prose. It's not easy. Those explosively charged words PUSSY and FUCKING are very hard to contain in any context. And I'm not talking about implying it with flowers and bullshit like that. I mean writing them into a story, out in the open, naked and hanging, for every self concious reader to see. (btw your using meat as a sexual reference is juvenile at best, something any third grader could have thought up.)

It's supposed to be a man and a woman. Though, I guess now that you point it out Malone, I can see how it could be confusing... I don't really like the title. I need to rework it but I wasn't in the mood.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 01-22-2008, 03:08 PM

Using so much transcendental imagery only served to shock me further when you went into graphic detail. Hard dick and wet pussy completely threw me, why use that? Just why? If you had used metaphor, and if you had dressed it so that you only realise what's really just happened at the very end, then I'd say well done, but the way this is depicted is base and boring.

Sorry, you need to do more than just show two people having a bit of nookie.

.

witioni · 01-22-2008, 04:18 PM

Why use it? Because I like the way it looks.

Obviously, I meant to dress this piece with sex. It's lathered all over it. So, I don't feel I need to hide it for some big surprise in the end. It was never supposed to be the hidden treat to the story. I've read stories like that, where some car ride becomes a "transcendental" sexual experience, unknown to the reader. I'm not trying to do that. In fact, I would prefer to be shot if I ever attempt to make a story like that. If anything is transcendental, it's the feeling of realizing you're avoiding something you should be doing, and you know it's not what you imagine everyone is telling you to do, but you are just not sure what it is....

If I've failed at anything it's at relaying that message. I will try again.