The Tragically Halarious Story of Bobby - Writers Forum

Chorus_Rapper · 01-17-2008, 01:42 AM

"Shoot." said a shadowy figure as it looked down at it's feet. The figure shook it's head lightly and stared ahead blankly, as if time stopped for the moment. A heavy and deep sigh came from it as it began to once again jog down the tunnel. As he neared the end of the cool tunnel, the sun peered upon him and showed his REAL posture.

A young boy, probably in teenage years, stood in the place of the unknown shadow from before. He had a heavy looking knapsack slung over him arm and cold, chilling look planted on his face, that sheered straight through the morning air. He wasn't too still for long, for he took off in a sprint only a few seconds after exiting the dark tunnel.

He kept up speed, ducking and dodging around everything that got in his way on the long lasting corner street. Many people on the lane looked in disgust, others in utter shock, and a pick few just simply ignored the boy fly by them at neckbreaking speeds.

5 minutes. That was the time before that goddamn bell would strike the late bell, and poor little Bobby would need to get another scolding from his professor. He knew and understood this clearly, and so began to pick up increasinly more amounts of speed, as well as the slow building of "PLEASE GOD! STOP! STOP RUNNING YOU TWAT!"

But that voice wasn't going to stop Bobby today. He was going to make it ON TIME. No matter what it took, no matter what it takes. And as he looked over the final hillroad, catching the outline of the school afar, he cackled manically. There it was. Just two streets away was the enterance of the school. As he got closer and closer to the opening, he grinned insanely and yelped in glee.

He hopped out onto the final stretch of the track, which was the largest and widest part of the way, much strange to be near a school learning center entrance. "Almost there! Almost fucking there!" It's all the ran through his mind as he neared the curb foot by foot. And in all this, poor old Bobby had completely forgotten that ancient saying that all mothers told their children somtime in life. "Look both ways when crossing the street son! BOTH WAYS!"

And all of that ran throughout his head as he turned himself to the side in midrun, and slowing to a sudden stop. Suddenly, it seemed as if that time stopped for Bobby again, as an extremely large truck came head on, oblivious to that he stood right in the way of his truck, he got hit full force and flew back, smaking his broken and limp body against the curb HARD. And as the blood began to flow out onto the sidewalk, it's as if nobody even noticed that poor little Bobby had just died.

Well, I find it funny. Hope you enjoyed.

Malone · 01-17-2008, 02:18 AM

Hmm...where to start.

The story itself is somewhat interesting, I see irony and human apathy, but I personally don't find this funny.

That said, the writing isn't very good. The first paragraph is totally pointless. There's also way too many "-ly" words throughout. Some sentences are akwardly formed. Lots of misspelled words. I personally don't like the capitalized words, but that's just a preference, and they don't take away from the story like the other problems I've listed do. And you need to write out "five" not use the actual digit.

Anyway, if you're a young writer, this is not bad. Keep working.

Leonard D'eath · 01-17-2008, 12:52 PM

I agree in that there is an abundance of ly words in this story however there are many good things about it like the turns of phrase about the place etc. I am also a young writer and to be honest being a prick about spelling and punctuation is such an adult cliche. I like all the capitals but I think you have to use them carefully and only when its really necessary. A very good piece though well donexxx

Chorus_Rapper · 01-18-2008, 01:01 AM

Thanks guys. I'd consider myself "young", I suppose. I'm 14 at the moment, and writing is kind of a new thing for me. I really do love doing it though.

Malone · 01-18-2008, 09:20 PM

It's good for a fourteen year old. Keep writing. Practice, practice, practice.

adamcarvosso · 01-19-2008, 09:08 PM

You misspelled "Hilarious" in the thread title

witioni · 01-20-2008, 01:11 AM

Keep it up!

Cefor · 01-20-2008, 02:29 PM

It's good, didn't find it funny, but it was good i thought.

Had no problems with it so well done.

Cefor