Good Friends - Writers Forum

Europa09 · 12-17-2007, 02:39 PM

**This is a short story I wrote for class recently that I thought was actually kind of decent considering it only took me half an hour to write.**

The parking lot reminds me of a desolate wasteland; a picture perfect back alley barren. Cigarette butts and old newspapers propelled into motion by the cooling breeze. I almost gag as I take the last haul off my own smoke before tossing it into the current among the rest. Today’s copy of the Toronto Star is blown open about ten feet away from me but I’m able to make out a headline. “2 Teens Killed In Gang Shooting”. I’ve become indifferent to these kinds of tragedies. One can only despair so many times before the desensitization process commences. The situation remains unfortunate, but it is no longer unexpected.

The door of the convenience store chimes as Rick comes out peeling the plastic off of a fresh pack of cigarettes. He puts one in his mouth, lights it, and inhales his first pull deep. A look of satisfaction turns quickly into a grimace of grievance as his eyes examine the horizon. Walking in our direction is a friend of ours, Josh. The sun is behind him making his figure a mere silhouette but there’s no mistaking Josh’s trademark strut. Rick’s disappointment is well-founded as he has owed Josh money for quite some time. Rick comes from a good family and probably could have scrounged the debt away through money his folks have given him throughout the weeks, but alas this genuine germ of society usually just spends it on drugs and liquor. And by “usually”, I mean always. Luckily, Josh has been close friends with Rick and I since grade 3 and keeps the situation considerably amicable despite the duration of Rick’s blatant avoidance.

Josh approaches with a vengeance this time though. All pleasantries are spared as Josh gets right into it. He begins cursing and making dramatized gestures to express his sheer frustration. I’m calmly sat against the brick wall of the building rolling a joint, chuckling every now and again at some of the truths Josh makes vocal. Rick sticks to his same old story, not seeming very concerned about the financial noose tightening around their friendship. I can’t help but notice a twisted, maniacal rage present in Josh’s eyes that I’ve never seen. I wonder if Rick sees it too. Getting lost within this thought for a second, I just barely see the flash of a blade in Josh’s hand.

It all happens so fast, as I am rendered helpless; an unwilling observer frozen in suspended animation. All I see is a glisten of sunlight reflect from the steel as it vanishes just as quickly into Rick’s jugular. The puncture, so unnaturally forced that I’m not entirely sure if the esophagus is pierced or just dislodged. Nevertheless, he collapses to the ground with a look so empty it reminds me of a manikin on display at the mall. I look at Josh, his eyes wide with shock, not as certain as they had once been. He makes eye contact and a chill is sent through my very soul as I bear witness to the evil inside the round blue beads. As Josh turns and runs away, I finally snap back into coherence. I scream for help. I yell at the top of my lungs, the dire need for aid never more real then at this moment. I watch as my best friend dies in front of me and there’s nothing I can do. Rick convulses violently as the blood spurts from his throat like a spring. As he attempts one last gurgled breath before his departure, I realize my life will never be the same. The image of this malicious incident forever burned into my memory; such an insignificant motive to such an irreversible action. I cry. The tears pour from my eyes uncontrollably at the hands of this true tragedy. Sirens, commotion and panic all around me… but I hear only silence. I think about tomorrow; the news story that will be reported, as another check is penned onto the tally chart. The desensitization I once felt, was only as thin as the paper it was printed on. Real life was vanquished before my eyes… and only now… do I feel.

Slugfly · 12-17-2007, 03:03 PM

Very nifty man. Some critical comments:

-I'm not too keen on first person. I'm assuming that this is a true story, but (to me) first person narrative has a tendency to lessen the impact and immersion.
-Much like with the bar story, I like how you follow a logical chain here. You saw the headline with the story of violent attacks, realized that it was so commonplace that it was nearly irrelevant, then suddenly the problem rises up and becomes a part of your life.
-If you plan on developing this piece, It might be worthwhile to pad out the build-up a little and then condense the scene with the stabbing. The stabbing, of course, is intensely meaningful and important. Just like the knife itself, the meaning has to suddenly puncture the reader.
-Being stabbed in the jugular is a touch too knowing for the sudden frenzy of the moment. It's something that would really only be known in retrospect and likely wouldn't be part of normal conversation. I recommend just saying "Rick's neck" there.
-I'd also consider amplifying the epilogue: tomorrow's new story. At this point, it might be good to point out the fact that it's an indifferent headline that makes no impact on others.

If it is indeed a true story, I'm sorry for your loss. A story like this is one that would benefit people if it were widely read. It's brevity makes the meaning easy to see and assimilate.

Europa09 · 12-17-2007, 11:50 PM

Ya I get what you're sayin for sure, the wrap up could be longer and more explanatory but at least you were able to understand the meaning behind it as is. I also agree that it would be a great story for people to hear because of the relevance behind it as it is indeed a true story.
Like I said I just threw it together for an in class assignment but if I were to expand this story I would certainly take those points into consideration.
As for the first-person, thats actually a new playing field for me that I've been experimenting with lately. I used to write almost exclusively in the third person context. The stories that I've posted thus far have been true accounts so it felt fitting for me to put it in first person.

Thanks for the comment