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| Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words. |
12-09-2007, 10:34 AM
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#1
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 37
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Chico Cortez : An American Afterthought
Chico Cortez :
An American Afterthought
(rough draft)
The Mexican desert sun slowly burns the "Coyote" smuggler lying in the sand. The agonizing man tries to hold his spilling guts in as he presses his hands against his blood soaked jacket. Standing next to him, a young mexican : Chico Cortez. Gripping a blood soaked knife he looks up at his mother and little sister cowering under a mesquite tree. The Coyote looks up at Chico narrowing his eyes.
"Bastardo!" he winces in pain.
Chico´s mother holds her torn dress up to her chest her eyes wide in shock. His little sister hides her face in her mother´s lap wanting to be whisked away.
The boy looks at his knife, blood dripping onto the hot desert sand. The Coyote now writhing at the boy´s feet spurting blood from his mouth. Chico slowly kneels leaning close to the Coyote´s ear, he whispers cooly :
"Libertad..."
He thrusts the blade deep into the Coyote´s side. Knife flashes in the desert sun.
Last edited by The Cowboy Philosopher : 12-11-2007 at 03:21 PM.
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12-09-2007, 11:47 AM
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#2
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 37
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any thoughts guys ?
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12-09-2007, 01:15 PM
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#3
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: New Mexico
Gender: Male
Posts: 856
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The blasting sun burns the dying "Coyote" smuggler in the Tijuana****not sure there is such place) desert. The agonyzing****Agonizing) man tries to hold his spilling guts in as he presses ****his hands them against his blood soaked jacket. Standing next to him, a young mexican***Mexican kid***named Chico Cortez. Gripping a blood soaked knife in his hand***comma) he looks up at his mother and little sister cowering under a desert tree. The Coyote man looks up at Chico***and narrows his eyes.
"Bastardo!" he screams in agonyzing****agonizing pain.
Chico´s mother holds up her torn dress to her chest as she holds her daughter against her side shielding her from this gruesome scene.
Chico looks at the blood dripping knife , looks at the man writhing at his feet. He slowly kneels next to the man spurting blood out of his mouth. He leans in close to the coyote´s ear and whispers****period :
"Libertad..."
He thrusts deep into the Coyote´s side. Knife flashes in the Tijuana sun.
Nice little snippet. Watch your fragments to make sure they refer to the correct subject. Don't use agonizing twice and make sure you spell it correctly - find another word. To add an image, use mesquite rather than desert tree.
Welcome to the forum
Adrian
__________________
 My Blog
...and still, two years later, he continues to write aimlessly with no apparent purpose in mind.
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12-09-2007, 01:39 PM
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#4
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 37
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Thank you for taking the time Adrian. I appreciate your comments and editing. Any other thoughts on the "snipet" ? In case you´d like to know, its part of a larger collection of short stories I´m working on called "Greed is Good : Gecko´s America".
Last edited by The Cowboy Philosopher : 12-09-2007 at 02:24 PM.
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12-09-2007, 09:36 PM
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#5
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 37
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Heck ! 43 reads and no comments ? C´mon guys!
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12-09-2007, 09:55 PM
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#6
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: In your imagination
Gender: Male
Posts: 958
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Good style to this, Perhaps you could go more in depth with descriptions.
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12-09-2007, 10:04 PM
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#7
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zensati
Good style to this, Perhaps you could go more in depth with descriptions.
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Yeah its a "snippet". The story´s part of a collection I´m putting together called "Greed is Good : Gordon Gecko´s America". What else did ya like about it? |
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12-09-2007, 10:14 PM
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#8
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: In your imagination
Gender: Male
Posts: 958
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Its nice and violent.
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12-09-2007, 10:18 PM
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#9
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zensati
Its nice and violent.
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Well, its all part of the action genre ain´t it ? I love action packed literature (ie: Jack London, Ray Chandler, Edgar Rice Burroughs, etc) and I´m glad you like it too.
Last edited by The Cowboy Philosopher : 12-09-2007 at 10:24 PM.
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12-09-2007, 10:26 PM
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#10
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adrianhayter
Nice little snippet.
Adrian
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What else did you like about it Adrian ? BTW, had a chance to read my other story " 1921 Ford Roundabout" ? |
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12-09-2007, 10:28 PM
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#11
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: In your imagination
Gender: Male
Posts: 958
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Yeah I write alot of action orientated stuff, especially martial arts action.
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12-11-2007, 07:29 AM
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#12
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 37
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Have you already posted some of your stuff ? Link me up dude.
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12-15-2007, 09:59 AM
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#13
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Best Seller
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 634
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pretty nifty, would like to see a longer version.
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12-15-2007, 02:23 PM
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#14
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriel Gray
pretty nifty, would like to see a longer version.
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Thank you for taking the time Gabriel. Have you checked out my other story, "1925 Ford" ? Please do, I´d love to read your comments on it. |
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12-16-2007, 06:22 AM
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#15
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: In your imagination
Gender: Male
Posts: 958
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Cowboy Philosopher
Have you already posted some of your stuff ? Link me up dude.
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Dude. If you want to see some of my action stuff, then try to google a story I wrote called "Cage Fury" Its got Busloads of martial arts action!
Oooh Yeah!
Go on Google and type - "Cage Fury - The Dugout Community" But I must warn you It has lots of sex and violence!
Last edited by Zensati : 12-16-2007 at 06:26 AM.
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