OmgzLolz

This is the last piece I wrote in primary school, one day before the school holdidays. I hope you like it.

The Mercedes behind had its lights dimmed, its sleek, black body blending into the background. I parked my car. The Mercedes followed suit. Anxious to escape from the sight of the driver, I cut through the overgrown woodland, a shortcut to the house. I listened for footsteps behind me.
Silence. Apart from an odd thud in the distance…

I entered the house the door behind me, searching for the sack of white powder I had hidden so carefully. Each step seemed to take longer than the last, and each time, I felt a pang of fear.
Crack. Crack. Crack. What was that noise?
Five steps away. Four. Three.
I heard the bang. The room went pitch black. I could smell the smoke creeping under the doorways.

Thump. Thump. Thump.
Crash.
The front door had been broken down. I saw the silhouette of the man entering, sending a cold chill down my spine. I was trapped inside my own home.

I ripped the drawer out, pulling out the longest knife in my disposal. It felt safer to be armed. Nevertheless, I almost screamed when the shadow came closer.
It was dark. The man’s shadow had blended into the darkness of the floor.
Suddenly, a torrent of air came rushing down as a weapon came hurtling inches from my face.
Instinctively, I ran into the bathroom, diving into the restroom, slamming the door shut.

Creak. Creak. Creak.
He was getting closer, but I was armed. If he tried to open the door, a twelve inch knife would be thrust into his corpse. Twenty times.
Creak. Creak. Creak.
He was beside the door, waiting for me to make a move.
I waited. Ten seconds. Twenty…One minute. He was still there. The bathroom door slammed shut.
Crap. I thought. I don’t even know if he’s in here or not.
I opened the door an inch. The weapon slammed down through the gap, nearly battering my hand off. It was some kind of mace. He withdrew the weapon.
The door opened and slammed shut again.
This time I stood still, my weapon poised to attack. I didn’t dare to open the door.
The shower taps turned on. The man was toying with me. Or maybe not.
Now I couldn’t hear his footsteps, but I knew he was still in here- waiting.
Rap. Rap. Rap.
The shower water poured down, pounding the shower walls, making a rapping sound as it bounced off the walls.
I waited. Five minutes. Ten.
Rap. Rap. Rap.
My hands ached. My arms were tired. The grip on my knife was loosening.
Crash. Something had been broken. Somewhere distant…
He wasn’t in the bathroom! I didn’t hear the bathroom door opening because of the shower.
I should have made the move now, but I couldn’t.
Fear. Anxiety. The question- What if he got me?
“Where is it?” It was the first time I heard him talk. His voice was gruff
I didn’t answer. The huge lump in my throat forbade me to.
“What?” I finally managed to gasp.
“Ecstacy.” He couldn’t be bothered making a full sentence.
He knew.
“In the closet.” I blurted. “The room on the other side of…”
“You lie. I’ve already checked all the closets.”
“Not all of them. There’s one...”
“You lie. I’ve already got it.”
I could imagine his lips curving into a sinister smile.
What he told me hurt. I had lost everything. I was worse than bankrupt- I was in debt. Until I had strayed away from my normal path home.
Until I came across an unmoving carcass accompanied by a sack of white powder. I took the sack and left the body, careful not to leave any fingerprints. I kept the marijuana hidden in my house, until today, when it would have been sold. When I could have been hundreds of thousands dollars richer…
Instead, I was trapped here, the heavy sack in the hands of someone who was out to kill me.
Sudden silence. The shower had stopped.
What was he doing?
He can’t get through this door without me stabbing him first.
Thwack! Thump! Wham!
The man’s mace was thumped on the ground. Vibrations travelled through the ground to my feet.
What was he doing?
Running footsteps. More distant now. He had finally left.
Or was he waiting for me outside, his mace poised to kill?
I knew, even if I survived this ordeal, life would be hell.

The door was opened. The darkness and silence discouraged me, making me uneasy. The shadows danced, casting illusions. A wisp of grey creeping through the door…
An illusion?
I could smell it now. Smoke. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
I burst out of the room. I ran out of the bathroom.
He couldn’t still be here.
A wave of flickering red and orange spread through the walls, smoke billowing, blinding smoke.
There was only one way out- the window.

The cackle of flames got louder every second. The heat more intense. The fly net, torn off, had caught fire, the flames quickly spreading through the mesh, towards my feet. The window was pushed opened.
I toppled out, into the backyard. Into waiting hands. I heard the rustle of leaves. A shadow appeared around the corner. The shadow of a person holding… a mace.

I couldn’t hide for long. He approached.
He hasn’t seen me yet.
He was getting closer.
Rustle. Rustle. Rustle.
I could see him now. Dark brown eyes. Black hair. A leather jacket which blended into the black ground.
He looked at my direction.
Something in his eyes shifted. His mouth opened, revealing a set of yellowing teeth.
His steps were faster. In my direction.
He had seen me.

I darted away. He came charging forward. I jumped the fence and made it back to the overgrown woodland.
Rustle. Rustle. Rustle.
He didn’t bother keeping his location secret. I knew one thing. He was catching up. Fast.
Rustle. Rustle. Snap…Thump.
I whirled around.
The man had tripped.
I had two choices: Killing the man or Running to my car.
I made a split second decision. The wrong decision.

I ran to the direction of the car.
I heard him recovering.
Rustle. Rustle. Rustle.
The chase was on.

The keys- jabbed in. The door swung open. I dived inside, turned on the ignition and put the car in gear, as the left side windows were smashed into rubble.
The engine rumbled. The car surged forward.
The car shook violently. Something was wrong.
He wasn’t following anymore. His eyes glimmered and he was grinning.

I kept accelerating, I had to make it too over the bridge and get as far away as possible from the man.
The bridge loomed ahead. It was just around the corner.
I turned the steering wheel.
The car kept travelling forward.
I realised too late, that he had jammed the steering wheel.
The car shuddered as I pushed down the brakes.
But it was too late.

The car went flying over the edge, hurtling straight into the rail, then shooting off the bridge, into the sea.
Shards of glass shattered, stabbing my face, impaling themselves on my corpse.
A pool of red rose from the surface of the water.
The body was never to been seen again.

Cefor

Heh, cool story... in a grim kinda way. I liked it though.

I liked the chase, was well written.

Cefor

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Knowledge is Power

Veni, Vedi, Vici - Julius Caesar

Who Dares Wins

OmgzLolz

Thanks. How do you edit the post? Is it possible?

Rahvin

There's an edit button below your post.

On the story itself, it was good. The repetition of onomatopoeia is good, but the fact that it's always in three's is a bit unnatural, if you get what I mean.

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Cefor

Unnatural? I dont think three is unnatural... its not too many and not too few...

__________________
Knowledge is Power

Veni, Vedi, Vici - Julius Caesar

Who Dares Wins

Rahvin

Yeah, but it's meant to descibe sounds that the character is hearing. Sounds don't usually come in nicely organised groups of three...

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Cefor

No... but I reckon that for this piece the groups of three were part of the suspense and structure of the story.

__________________
Knowledge is Power

Veni, Vedi, Vici - Julius Caesar

Who Dares Wins

OmgzLolz

If I put the sounds in groups of ten, and then in a group of one, it would sound odd...

The sounds don't actually come in groups of three, sometimes, they are countinous.

Rahvin

I know, but they are all written as distinct groups of 3. Try to imagine the action playing out in your head, and don't visualize anything until you read it. It sounds like the intruder is taking three steps, stopping, taking three more steps, stopping again, tapping something three times, stopping, tapping again...

See what I mean?

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