Working on hooks and intros. Would you continue reading this? - Writers Forum

Dana_Johnson · 10-25-2007, 02:11 PM

Like the title says, I'm working on catching a readers attention, posing a few questions or things they'd like to read further on to find out about.

And I want to get my first three pages of a book down well so I can keep the reader going....I figure if I take a bite of a new food and it's not very pleasing, I won't continue to eat it. So I'm working on getting my opening just right....or at least somewhat intriguing.

This from a novella I was inspired to write recently, and I was wondering if anyone here would continue to read it. Please post any critique or comments you have, if you have the time, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Kyle Johnson awoke Friday morning to the familiar hum of the vacuum cleaner. Like most mornings it started up well before his alarm clock did. Instead of rolling over and going back to sleep like usual, something kept him awake, a disturbing feeling in his gut, an empty twisting feeling … something didn’t feel right but he couldn’t put a finger on it. He dismissed it as hunger and flung the sheets to the side and got out of bed.

They were remodeling the upstairs at the time, and it wasn’t too inviting. Evenly spaced two-by-fours composed the walls and plywood made up the floors. This place is like a wood prison… he thought. Uncomfortable décor and the smell of saw dust wasn’t the room he had hoped for, but once harvest is done, finishing the room wouldn’t take long.

As he came to the stairs he looked out the window and saw the usual morning landscape; half dead grass throughout the yard rose and fell in the wind like small rotting soldiers fighting to escape the coming winter. Next to the brown grass laid the uneven driveway full of holes and bumps, winding around the house and the chicken coop, eventually connecting to the aluminum Quonset in the middle of the yard. Out in the field his step-dad drove an oversized, silver combine which crawled across the field like a large Tonka toy, kicking up a trail of dust like a child does in a sand box. Childish … that describes him quite well…he thought.

“Mornin’,” he said to his mother as he stepped off the stairs into the living room. She didn’t seem to hear him over the noisy vacuum. The room was warm and smelled like burnt dust, the white carpet looked schizophrenic with smooth and rough swirls intertwining as the vacuum sped across the floor in different directions. The sun shone through the windows in the adjacent room, illuminating the pale specks of dust that hung stagnant in the room.

“Mornin’.”

She shut off the vacuum, “Morning, how’d you sleep?”

Though she smiled, she didn’t look well. Her usual warming features looked diminished, her healthy glow was faded, and her smudged eyeliner looked like it would continue down her cheeks if it wasn’t for the bags holding the mess in place. Her hair, usually thin but soft and flowing, now looked bristly and rough; the grey streaks seemed more noticeable.

Another long night at the bar.

“I slept pretty good, although someone woke me up,” said Kyle as he adjusted the recliner and took a seat.

“Wonder who that was,” she said with a smile, “breakfast is in the fridge.”

“What’d you make?” he asked sitting up in the chair.

“Just some eggs and toast.”

“Ugh…no good cold,” said Kyle slumping back into the cushions.

“Well maybe you should wake up on time.”

“Hell no, I like sleep,” he said with a smirk.

“Yeah but Alan doesn’t. He’s pissed off again.”

“Alan can shove it…I’m sick of helping him,” said Kyle as he sprang from the chair.

“He needs your help—“

“He can fuck off for all I care.”

“Kyle Owen, watch your mouth!”

“Kind of hard to do,” said Kyle as he pursed his lips and looked down at them with a contorted face. And with that his mother started up the vacuum and continued cleaning.

Kyle walked into the kitchen, a somewhat dirty room. The floor looked like an odd colored chess board made of red and white tiles. The walls were off-white with a band of painted apples stretched around the room near the ceiling. The stove looked like a piece of machinery from World War II, old, rusting, hardly useful. The table had an aluminum top and steel-fold-in legs, though it was rusty it held up nice. Around the table steel folding chairs sat quietly, waiting to creak and bend, perhaps give out, once someone sat down.

The fridge opened with a grinding sound and Kyle grabbed a day old ham and cheese sandwich. Gonna be a long day he thought as he took a bite, I hate this shit.

Cefor · 10-25-2007, 04:24 PM

Well personally I would read on.... just because I like reading to be honest.
You haven't actually given the average reader something to be hooked in by really... except this hate of Alan... whoever he is, maybe a stepdad or something? See? you haven't given any detail on him so we know nothing. Maybe add why Kyle doesn't like him. You need something interesting to happen to grab a reader's attention.

Just out of interest do you think that it hooks people? And that is not aimed to be degrading, it's just a genuine question. Sometimes it helps to think like someone who hasn't seen the piece before, and who doesn't know where it is going.

Cefor

Dana_Johnson · 10-25-2007, 04:38 PM

That's a very good point, and thank you. I guess being the writer I know why Kyle dislikes Alan so much....so part of me doesn't think I have to write what I know, funny how that happens without thinking about it.

But you're quite right, and this is the kind of comment I was hoping for in a way, so thank you.

Take care,
Dana

Cefor · 10-25-2007, 04:44 PM

It's my pleasure to be able to help you. And the reason I knew about it is because I tend to do it a lot haha.

Again no problem I'd do it again for anything you would like help with

Cefor

alanmt · 10-26-2007, 12:31 PM

Now how could anyone hate a guy named Alan!

I read it and would have kept reading it, although it's not my normal sort of fare. I am interested. Why does Kyle hate Alan? Is his mom a barmaid at night, or just a partier who stays out too late and drinks to much? Why is the kitchen dirty if the mom has sufficient penchant for tidiness to be up early vacuuming?

I particularly like your descriptions and the fact that they were integrated well and didn't slow down the story. I could see it all in my mind, although that is perhaps due to the fact that I grew up on a place much like that, right down to the chicken coop.

keep going.

adrianhayter · 10-26-2007, 03:58 PM

Looking at this in the cool light of day, the style would hook me but not the scene. MC is woken by vacuum cleaner. He doesn't return to sleep because something is bothering him. Not a ton of tension there. The wooden prison seems out of place if not slowing down the flow. If even a hint of back story is close to the beginning, readers run for their life.

I'm no novelist - I have difficulty claiming even one clear understandable short story but what especially disturbed me is the four similes packed so close together. That may actually turn off the reader.

Adrian

Dana_Johnson · 10-26-2007, 04:36 PM

Thank you everyone who's commented so far, I appreciate it. And I've taken your comments to heart and done some work on this.

Alrighty, so here's my revision. I worked on it for a few hours today. Did a general punctuation and spell check. Now I'm turning to you kind folk

with your fine-toothed combs and helpful critiques.

If you have any input, good or bad, please, share it.

When was this going to stop? He heard raised voices a floor below, “Shut up you drunk bitch!” Who the hell does he think he is, what gives him the right to hit her … he thought as he lay awake, trembling. I’m so sick of this shit. He pulled the pillow tight around his head, he tried to shield himself from the crashing and yelling below. All this commotion didn’t help his migraine. Thinking of the scene below made sweat trickled down his face. As if I don’t have it hard enough.

***

“Get your ass up boy, we got work to do!”

Kyle groaned, lifted his head and looked at his alarm clock: 6:30 a.m. Still dark out. “Yeah yeah, be down in a minute.”

“Hurry up, combine’s runnin’ and you missed breakfast.”

Hurry up, combine’s runnin’ and oh shut up. Kyle grabbed a pair of ragged jeans and slipped them on, followed by a white tee-shirt and an old brown belt. A tall boy, lean but strong. He had dirty blond hair that shot up if not tamed, a strong jaw, full lips complimented by a chiseled nose and a prominent forehead. He was a handsome boy once.

He went down stairs into the living room and found his mom still asleep on the couch. She looked oddly pale in the poorly lit room. Her eyeliner streaked her face and formed dark circles around her eyes. Her hair looked bristly and thin, too thin for a woman of forty-six. A small cut sat just below her right eye, surrounded by a greenish-yellow patch of skin.

Another long night at the bar.

He kissed her on the forehead walked into the dining room to slip on his shoes. He looked up and saw the gun safe. They used to keep them on display around the house, above beds and in the living room, up until a year ago. He put his fingers on his cheeks and ran them over three deep scars that still remained. You're lucky to have survived ... He finished tying his shoes and went outside where his step dad Alan waited for him in the combine.

“Come on, we got a hunnerd acres ta take up today,” he said as he lowered the throttle, “and I gots a doctor appointment at three so you’re gonna have ta finish.”

Kyle just nodded and climbed the steel ladder to stand on the platform next to the cab. The cool air was refreshing as they slowly rolled out into the bean field. The headlights of the combine illuminated the ground a few hundred feet before them in a rough semi-circle. Beyond the reach of the headlights the ground changed from a deep yellow to a dark blue. He could only make out a few objects in the weak moonlight; an irrigator, the highway, and a few sets of green eyes. He would enjoy this part of the day if he didn’t have to be with him.

***

Noon arrived quickly and he took off his sweat-soaked shirt. It had to be at least a hundred degrees and the air conditioning in the cab was broken. He stepped out and climbed down the ladder, walked around the combine and took a seat on the wheel. He spat a wad of brown liquid onto the ground then took a deep breath. The shade was soothing.

He looked out across the field; a hefty gust of wind kicked up plumes of dust that raced around stones and shook the distant trees. Bean stocks and dead leaves lifted into the air and traveled across the desolate landscape, swooping upward and falling back to earth as the currents carried them toward the highway. The beads of sweat on his head ran horizontally for a moment, and then evaporated into the warm wind.

He grabbed his water bottle and took a drink. The cool liquid slipped easily between his dry lips and down his throat, and he drank until the bottle caved in and crackled in his dirty hands. He thought about the night before, Alan yelling, his mom yelling right back, a scream followed by a loud crash … then silence. It gave him an empty twisting feeling in his gut. I wish he was still on the road…or able to go back.

adrianhayter · 10-26-2007, 08:02 PM

Wow! Looks like you rewrote the whole thing - in several hours, you say? Pounding away on my Commodore 64 in the corner of my tool shed, I'd spend weeks.

I like the way you reduced the dialog - sometimes, just a visually clean page draws in readers.

I'm new here and I don't want to step on too many toes 'til my probation is over with but -you write too well to make a couple of minor mistakes.

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The cool air was refreshing as they slowly rolled out into the bean field. The headlights of the combine illuminated the field a few hundred feet before them in a rough semi-circle. Beyond the reach of the headlights the field was a dark blue,

Pick another word for field - you used it three times.

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he thought as he lay awake, trembling. I’m so sick of this shit. He pulled the pillow tighter around his head, trying to shield himself from the crashing and yelling below.

Vary the structure: "Pulling the pillow tighter around his head, he tried to shield himself from the crashing and yelling below."

Now back to what you're looking for - a good intro.

This one is stronger, more active but there are too many ingredients for a breakfast soufflé. You've got external narrative, internal narrative and dialog all combined. I'm afraid a reader is going to say, "Shit, I'm goin' have to think if I read this". Readers are lazy- they want to be served in bed.

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Sweat trickled down his face, running though the deep valleys left behind from the surgery

There's a couple of problems here: Whys he sweating? and the word surgery hit me too fast.

Now I'm turning to you kind folk Ha! I've never been called kind - I'll allow you to revise that.

Adrian

DoctorBadAss · 10-26-2007, 09:14 PM

I think you've done some great work on the rewrite here. It is more engaging than the first draft I think, in that way that disturbing thoughts or images make it hard to turn away, and your word choice and word management are good.

I can see you really took to heart comments such as Cefor's about needing a little early input about what is so bad about Alan, and it comes through very cleanly. Excellent improvement there.

If I may, I had one slight hangup. In the paragraph concerning the scars on his face, the listing and describing of the scars seems to indicate that there will be some explanation following in regards to how he got them. By ending the paragraph simply with their location and moving on to an entirely different action, even if you plan on explaining the scars later, it sort of made me stop, think, and go back as I assumed I had somehow read past their immediate significance. It might be better to either tone them down for the time being, saying simply that he has them until such later time as they can be explained, or perhaps to give some more immediate significance.

And just as some other commenters have said, I notice this solely because I do it a lot myself. I think you have something solid here. It is well written, and more importantly, it is believable. As I can only assume that you will give more background on the characters at a later date, I think you have a strong start to an even stronger story.

I agree with Adrianhayter's points, also because I am constantly seeing myself doing the same thing. Vary your sentences a little, use alternate words for a thing (though too many variations close to one another can make it feel stressed).

Overall this is well done, and I truly hope you keep at this.

Dana_Johnson · 10-26-2007, 11:02 PM

Thank you both, Adrian and DoctorBadAss, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my work. I've taken your opinions and suggestions and implimented them into the piece, so feel free to take another read and see if there's anything that seems off to you, or needs changing. You are the readers and it's my job to make it as good a read as possible for you

As far as continuing this story goes, don't worry about that. I've already began the second installment and should have it posted up here in the next day or two.

Thanks again, Take care,
Dana

RyeCatcher24 · 10-27-2007, 03:55 AM

Although I enjoyed the original draft, I thought the revision was much better. I was much more invested this time and it hooked me. Keep up the good work.

Cefor · 10-27-2007, 01:07 PM

Excellent work. You really took all the comments in your stride and turned the story into something much better.

Cefor

Dana_Johnson · 10-27-2007, 04:03 PM

Thank you, Cefor. Glad you like the revision! And thank you again for your first comments, they did help.

Keep an eye out for an addition here shortly.

Take care,
Dana