What Now? (374 words) - Writers Forum

Sock · 10-21-2007, 08:18 PM

Something I dug up from a while ago. The only really "romantic" thing I have ever written. It was sort of stream of consciousness. As always I would love to hear what you all think.

Good bye and that was all. And he was glad and so was she. Or so they said. They believed themselves for a few minutes. They both lit cigarettes as they parted ways, probably at the same time. Probably drew the tobacco into their lungs in unison. He knew that she was most likely smoking Marlboros just like him, and she knew it too. They were from the same carton he had bought a week prior.

She passed a homeless man. He was smoking a crack pipe in the middle of the side walk, humming a wandering tune. She walked past him nervously and thought about waving a cab. All the faces in the city streets seemed to mock her now. Her cheerful acceptance of the situation was wearing.

And so was his. Everything felt like a dream to him. He wondered why he was so affected. He had always scoffed at his friends for this kind of behavior. All ways laughed at the thought of it. It seemed so adolescent and childish. And yet as he reflected on this, he was slipping deeper and deeper into self pity. He stopped at a bus station and sat down next to an empty Styrofoam cup.

She too felt reduced to a teenage girl. Tenth grade with Gordon McCready. Eleventh grade, Nigel Kraus. These things weren’t suppose to happen to grown women. She stood at the street corner and wallowed silently. She felt stupid.

He felt stupider. He knocked the coffee cup over and left the bus stop anxiously. Sweat was beading on his forehead now. He continued down the street. Building speed as he moved. What a child, he thought.

She sat down on the curb. She felt defeated. What a baby.

And just as she started to cry, he rounded the corner, nearly running. It had not occurred to either of them they were only a street apart. She looked up at him, tears flooding her eyes. He returned the stare and wiped some sweat from his brow. She laughed, nervously.
He walked over and sat on the curb next to her. She was shaking. He almost asked why but instead wrapped his arm around her and said “I know…”

“So what now?”

tpowell · 10-21-2007, 09:04 PM

A good beginning, this has potential to build into an interesting short story. I personally would have liked more dialogue, but as they were apart for most of this piece I appreciate that would be difficult. What you have here is well written but it is too short, you capture the mood of both parties very well - a silly argument that got out of hand?

Tracey

NedRyerson · 10-22-2007, 12:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sock

And just as she started to cry, he rounded the corner, nearly running. It had not occurred to either of them they were only a street apart.

Clearly it did occur to him that they were so close, otherwise, he wouldn't have come running at all.

Otherwise a good flash piece. Both of the character felt real. Could be expanded, but fine as it is.

FictionFan · 10-22-2007, 01:10 AM

Very good job. What is it about?

Sock · 10-22-2007, 07:36 AM

Well, when I wrote it, he was more running away from her rather than to her. Sort of running away from the situation.

As for what its about. I guess a few things. Like I said it was sort of impromptu in that I had no idea what I was about to write. But reading it now I realize a few things about it.

The characters ended up not getting along because they were so similar. Their similarities are complimented by one another throughout the story. I guess in short, the point is that what drives them apart (their similarities) is the same thing that brings them together. And I guess the ambiguous ending implies that this will be an ongoing problem with this relationship, as it is with many.