Fifty Bucks Worth of Sushi - Writers Forum

jhaggard29 · 10-11-2007, 09:56 PM

The guy was black, looked to be in his late forties. Missing teeth, dirty clothes, messed up hair, the whole bit. When he got close and spoke I could smell the sweetness of cheap alcohol mixed in with his body odor. “You got any change I can get sumfin ta eat?’’ I had heard him repeating the phrase over and over before I saw him approaching us. He was like a piece of driftwood floating slowly in the faceless sea that moved up and down the sidewalk. I stared at the fifty or more dollars of sushi that had just been delivered to our table and said nothing for a moment before, “Naw, man. I got no cash at all.” It was a total lie, of course. I had money on me, I always do. I even had some singles and a handful of change in my pocket. I don’t know why I did that, and I don’t know why I’m telling you about it now.

The point is this: I could have given the guy some money, but I didn’t. I felt offended he asked. Maybe I was afraid, or maybe I just thought that if I gave this homeless dude money, the next thing is he would want to sit down and eat my dragon roll. I know that’s as ridiculous as it sounds, but that’s how I felt. I bet the guy didn’t even like sushi.

This girl I was with, I didn’t know if she was my girlfriend or not. We had been on a few dates, but she didn’t seem to be having a great time that night. The homeless guy got her talking a little, and that was good because I have a habit of talking only about myself in situations where I don’t know someone, and I tend to stick to telling stories about when I was a kid or whatever. I’m sure it’s extremely boring and makes me sound like a complete narcissist. I am narcissistic, but not completely so. At least I don’t think I am. I try not to be. Anyway, this girl I was with, she wondered when the last time the guy had sex was. It seemed a racy topic, but I was ok with it. Maybe she was trying to impress me with a seeming lack of inhibition on the subject.

I told her I didn’t think it was any different for homeless people that for people who have a regular pad to crash in. After all, there are plenty of homeless women, and they probably like to fuck just as much as anybody else. I said the only difference was that you can’t be choosy in his situation. When an opportunity presents itself, you can’t afford to let it pass. She found this profound for some reason. I thought it was pretty much like anything else, you just get in there and get it done.

We paid for our sushi and went to a bar down the street, danced a little. Drank a few beers, she had wine. I remember holding her close to me by the front of her pants, my fingers scooping up the fringe of her thin panties. She didn’t mind, but avoided looking me in the eye. We talked about who in the bar we’d have sex with, what body type did it for us, commented sarcastically on the fat chicks and gay dudes, and finally decided to leave. The band sucked anyway.

Outside I saw that guy again, the homeless guy. “Got any change I can get sumfin ta eat?,” he asked a passerby, who stopped and shoved a wad of ones into his hand. She looked at me, my sort-of girlfriend, and smiled. I smelled roses in her hair from the wind. I felt right then a little guilty and a little jealous of the guy. No strings attached for him, and here I was getting into God knows what with this girl I barely knew. I had a pad to crash in though, there was the trade off I guess.

Later that night, she told me she just wanted to be friends. I wasn’t over my recent divorce, and she didn’t want to get either of our hearts too tangled up, because she really liked me and wouldn’t want to mess things up by having sex. I agreed, and we went back to her car and got into some low level making out before I went home.

She still tells me that she just wants to be friends, sometimes, when we’re lying naked next to each other. I still agree with her, because it’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to hurt her, but I will. I don’t know why I’ll do it, and I don’t know why I’m telling you about it now.

NedRyerson · 10-11-2007, 10:21 PM

I think you do a really good job of creating a character who despite his obvious flaws I can't help but like. He's a dick, but I can relate.
I think this would work really well as an introduction to the character, but as a stand alone story I kinda wanted to hear more.

Genie Kays · 10-11-2007, 11:34 PM

This is rather interesting and yes, it managed to get me interested until I finished reading it. There were some bits in there that made me smile or tweaked a grin on my face. I liked it. It was simple and I like sushi as well! The title really caught my attention, or maybe that's just me?

I didn't really get the ending though....

Frabes · 10-12-2007, 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jhaggard29

I don’t know why I did that, and I don’t know why I’m telling you about it now.

I absolutely hated that line the first time you delivered it. But then when you did it again, at the end, it tied the whole piece together and made me change my mind.

Nicely done.

Fossy · 10-12-2007, 12:50 AM

Very nice simple writing. Is it a true story? Couldn't find anything wrong with this. At first I thought the homeless guy's grammar was wrong, but then you repeated it, so I got that's the way he talks. Well done.

Story · 10-12-2007, 12:57 AM

I was divorced a long time ago, but not so long that I don't identify with this guy. And I get the ending. There is a song that says "I didn't mean to treat you bad, but I did it anyway", and that is what divorce leaves you with.

This story did an excellent job of telling the reader how it feels to have recently gotten through a divorce.

I wouldn't change a word. Nicely done.

Truth-Teller · 10-12-2007, 05:45 AM

Sounds like a true story; good job.

Not many people can transform non-fiction into fiction.

jhaggard29 · 10-12-2007, 09:21 AM

Thanks for all the comments, guys. I really feel like shit today and it makes me feel better to see that you guys enjoyed this. Most of my writing is what I call "pseudo-fiction", at least part of it is based on real events. I had a lot of trouble posting this. This piece is absolutely raw. I spell checked it and posted it. It's kind of a confession I guess. I'd like to expand it a little, but I don't do well when I go over a couple thousand words. Repeating the "I don't know why I did that..." line was the biggest struggle. I think it comes off a little formulaic, but I was getting tired and wanted to wrap it up for the night.

Hey to practice total fiction here is a great exercise. Cut out the pictures and names from the wedding announcements in your local paper. Then based on just the picture and name, make up a 300 word announcement. It's loads of fun, and the results can be hilarious.