The Whispering (1180 words) - Writers Forum

Queen of Wands · 10-10-2007, 06:00 PM

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snorrie · 10-10-2007, 06:35 PM

I see you saw my credentials comment to a certain individual. The credentials I'm speaking of is the pieces writers have submitted. When someone critiques my work and they make a point that I don't agree with, I go back and see what their own work is like in realtion to their comments. By you posting this piece, you now have credentials in my book. I don't have the time to do a proper critique but on first glance, I noticed you could use more active voice than passive. That's not big deal. That can be remedied. The basics are there. The flow is good. I'll just give you one quick example of making your voice more active and if my kiddies allow me, I will give a more in depth critique.

Quote:

But the two-storey, double-fronted brick villa was well maintained, the stucco freshly painted, the gravelled drive neatly raked and edged with a mixture of forget-me-nots and bluebells.

Rewrite: The prior owners kept the two-storey, double-fronted brick villa well maintained, the stucco painted, the graveled drive neatly raked and edged with a mixture of forget-me-nots and blubells.

Okay, they aren’t bugging me yet so I’ll give you something else.

Quote:

Being a pragmatist, I’d expected something verging on dereliction in consideration of the relatively low asking price.

This is wordy and sounds stiff, like you’re trying to sound writerly. Keep it tight and concise.
Example: Being a pragmatist, I’d expected something almost derelict, considering the low asking price.
And you have haven’t seen the house yet so the price can’t be relative.

Quote:

Greenleigh was the sort of leafy suburb with good schools, excellent transport links to the city, local shops and friendly people that generally commanded top-end prices that excluded the less than affluent.

Another passive sentence which can be redone to draw the reader in and make them part of the experience.
Rewrite: The leafy suburb of Greeenleigh offered good schools, excellent transport links...

Mermaid on the breakwater · 10-10-2007, 06:42 PM

Good writing and a good critique, too.

Queen of Wands · 10-10-2007, 07:31 PM

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Mermaid on the breakwater · 10-10-2007, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Queen of Wands

Snorrie, I did not see your post referring to credentials. But then I am still very new here; finding my way and deciding whether it's worth sticking around. (I've been investigating several forums so spreading myself a little too thin perhaps to delve too deeply into any one yet.) I simply thought I would post something to show the level of my ability. Problem is, the good stuff is all out.

I will wait for your critique and not comment on what you have said so far, but I suspect we approach writing differently.

Thank you for taking the time from your busy life. It is appreciated.

Cheers,
Queen of Wands

No, no. I think snorrie was just helping with the flow of words. It's not because he's knocking your writing. Any idiot can see that you write well.

Fossy · 10-10-2007, 09:52 PM

Well, I must say I really enjoyed this immensely. It read like a much anticipated letter from a dear, dear friend, or a very missed relative who lives overseas. I know you didn't intend it that way, but that was the emotional feeling I got from it.

It reeked with emotion for me, but then I'm a romantic and this was very romantic in the telling.

Only thing I tripped over was - "Being a pragmatist, I’d expected something verging on dereliction in consideration of the relatively low asking price."

That was only because I had to re-read it. Nit picky really, cos if it was a letter from a dear friend/relative I'd read it over and over anyway.

This made me smile, which just prooves you don't need action and miles of tension - even though there is some with his job on the line.

Beautiful.

IanBoltsoy · 10-11-2007, 04:13 AM

I really like this piece, I’m not sure if it is leading towards horror or perhaps Willow is mentally strained either way it’s good for me.

From the perspective of pIot, I’m not sure if chapter two was a little too much too soon... (I’m really flicking back and forth on this)

I’m new to writing, but have 30 years of reading under my belt; so please except my credential-less response in good faith.

Queen of Wands · 10-11-2007, 08:59 AM

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Mermaid on the breakwater · 10-11-2007, 09:00 AM

Credit where credit is due, I believe is the phrase, lol.

Queen of Wands · 10-11-2007, 09:07 AM

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