aspiretowrite

I submitted this to a short story comeption a month or so ago. I don't expect to win, not even be a runner up. I had trouble finishing anything so I decided that if I didn't finish this peice and send it in then my writing ambitions would cease. I finished it and sent in to the Writing Magzine - the theme was that of the Sea. At this stage I would be content with it being shortlisted. Still see what you think and please don't hold back I am a big boy.

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Dad and I were devastated when cancer took mum from us, and I had begun to shut down, I was only 12 years old and didn’t understand how or why it happened. I hardly spoke, only concerned with my own grief and how grim the world felt without mum. Visiting her grave didn’t help either. Dad was in denial and wouldn’t talk about her, much. One year on, we were still clouded by grief until Dad said to me one day;
“We need a fresh start mate, to rebuild our lives”. He told me about his brother in Australia and whether I wanted to go and see them, and if we liked it maybe even live there. Truthfully though, he wanted to escape everything that reminded him of mum and I guess so did I.

My uncle Desmond and his family made us both welcome. Their house was fantastic, spacious and perched on a cliff overlooking Falls Cove Beach half a mile down. There I met my cousins Robert and Jordan. Even though they were a couple of years older than me and probably had better things to do, they were generous with their time and company, preferring to spend it getting to know me better. They took me everywhere, the local shopping centre, a bit of sightseeing, the juice bar, and of course the beach.
“Now matter how many times I come here” said Jordan “I always find it stunning.” I saw what he meant as I glanced down from the cliff top and saw the sun gleaming in the beach’s white sands.

“As the sun goes down” explained Robert “the light catches the sand and lights up the whole beach like a runway at night.”

The beach was always full of people swimming and splashing about in the water, or throwing Frisbees at one another. The first few weeks I would go swimming and then sunbathe on the beach, even participated in some volleyball matches. I loved swimming in the warm sea though. It was a crystal blue colour and was so clean that you could see right down to the bottom. Even the salty taste of the water, which left me a little dry in the throat couldn’t take the smile off my face, or dampen the sound of my gurgling laughter. My cousins and I would muck about in the water a lot. I would usual gang up with one to try and drown the other before they both turned on me. It was my favourite place.

I soon found myself engrossed in watching the surfers, riding big blue waves, on what looked like ironing boards, flying into the air and gliding on top pf the wave before drifting back to shore. I often found myself watching them in awe, and wanted to give it a try. As able surfers, Robert and Jordan were more than happy to teach me,
“You’ll love it” they said “It’ll change your life for sure”
Robert who was the more serious of the two insisted Jordan warn me about the dangers of the sea. Jordan, who was more of a clown, nevertheless talked about, the strong currents, and the damage corals could do if you scrapped against them, as well as the effects of cold water, even with a wet suit on.
“And watch out for Jellyfish.” He would say. “Those evil buggers will give you a nasty sting.” Then we laughed at the thought of peeing on each other if jellyfish ever stung one of us. They also warned me not to go out alone, especially early morning or at sunset.
“Make sure a lifeguard is around and also plenty of people” they would say.

I endured some gruelling lessons on land for the first few days, and could barely stand on the board let alone hop onto it. I landed on my backside more times then I care to remember. The pain from the bruises almost put me off, but I stuck with it and after a couple of weeks I was practicing in the water. That was even harder and my cousins would laugh at me as I slipped off the wet board into the water, then clinging on to the board for dear life. Dad was a bit worried about me at first but with boys watching over me he seemed reassured I was in good hands. Soon I was riding my first wave. It’s still the single greatest thrill of my life. The excitement and exhilaration of the adrenalin rush from riding a wave, water splashing everywhere, weaving side to side, became so addictive; I was out every day, and riding bigger waves. We would take it in turns and try and force each other off the other board, whilst staying on our own. My cousins were too fast and experienced so I usually ended up in the water, but laughing hard. After a while my skin started to tan and the sun bleached my hair blond, making me feel more like a local. For the first time since mum died I was happy, I felt I belonged.

One night I couldn’t sleep and was awake early. I needed to go surfing so my with my board in hand I went down to the beach. It was perfect, nobody around, and the ocean full of big waves hitting the shore one after another. The sun rising behind in the distance gave me a warm feeling. I felt energised. The water though felt cold, even my wetsuit on, as I paddled on the board about ten feet out. Soon the biggest wave I had seen, with my name on it, came towards me. I started paddling back to shore picking up speed for when the wave caught up, my heart raced excitedly; adrenalin free flowed as the wave got closer. It then lifted me up in the air, the highest I had ever been. It was scary at first but as I skimmed the top of the wave I felt exhilarated and happy. It felt like I was up on top for hours but was in fact only a few seconds. As I drifted back to the shore, my heart pounding, I sat on the board until the next wave came along. When it did, I went further out, for another ride. I started paddling back to shore again. Suddenly I felt an excruciating grip on my left leg followed by the sound of a loud crunch, and searing pain before I was dragged further out to sea. I was then pulled down and as I looked up, trying not taking in any more water, I saw the daylight vanish, the surface covered in blood, my blood. I looked down and saw the shark’s head, as it gnawed at my leg. I froze terrified at the sight of this monster, when it suddenly it started shaking me violently left and right, its teeth sinking deeper. Panic stricken I hit the shark repeatedly with my fists and my free leg, while finding it increasingly hard to hold my breath. I thought it was sheer luck, that it released its hold on me. On the surface I coughed and spluttered seawater and started to dry wretch from all the salt and blood I had taken in. Feeling a throbbing dull ache around my leg and shivering, I started swimming to shore, which was now further away when suddenly I saw the fin shoot out from the water, and speed toward me. I was frozen stiff with terror again but the familiar warmth in the crotch of my wet suit soon brought me round, but it was too late. The shark bit down on me again this time on the left side of my waist, its teeth sinking into my hip and stomach. I thought it was going to drag me down and get me for sure when I felt something grab my right arm. Thinking it was another shark I screamed. It was Robert trying to pull me loose. Jordan lunged at the shark and stabbing the beast in the head with his knife, until It let go of me. After that my memory became a bit of a blur. I remember my cousins telling me everything was going to be all right. I then gave myself in to the darkness that released me from the pain.

When I woke up Dad was by my bedside, red eyed and dishevelled, and my cousins were behind him, their faces betraying similar signs of unrest.
“Doctor say’s you’re doing really well” Dad assured me.
“Thank God we came along when we did “added Jordan “ Apparently they saw what happened from the cliff top and rushed down to save me. My head was dizzy, with a very dry throat and my left leg was throbbing intensely. My whole body was sore all over. I kept apologising but nobody would listen.
I was surprised that nobody was angry with me for causing all this trouble. Instead they were all busy blaming each other, for not looking after me properly. “It doesn’t matter” Dad kept saying. “You need your rest”
“You’re here and that’s the main thing “said Robert “You’ll need your rest later.” Something didn’t feel right. It was like they were keeping something from me.
“What is it Dad?” I asked
Nobody spoke, so I asked again. Dad looked at me with tears in his ears and again said
“You need to get some rest.”
I looked down towards the end of the bed where Jordan and Robert stood and saw that they weren’t looking at me but down at the bed, with tears in their eyes. As I followed their eyes down, I realised the bed was flat where my left leg should have been.

It took a long time to recover fully from my experience; it cost me the better part of my teenage years, not to mention my leg. Yet I got through it all with my family’s help, and 25 years on I still go swimming and surfing, I lead a content life but I still have nightmares of the attack and sometimes wish I never went out that morning.

Genie Kays

Okay, I jotted down some points while I was reading through this. I really like the voice, it was there and I heard it, but I think you can give it a good polish.

Truthfully though, he wanted to escape everything that reminded him of mum and I guess so did I.

Perhaps, “I did too’ would sound better.

I would usual gang up with one to try and drown the other before they both turned on me. –usually

flying into the air and gliding on top pf the wave before drifting back to shore.- of

“You’ll love it,” they said “It’ll change your life for sure.”

Robert who was the more serious of the two insisted Jordan warn me about the dangers of the sea. – didn’t like this sentence. Perhaps Robert could be described as more mature? And shouldn’t Robert be warning the protagonist instead? Just my opinion.

Dad was a bit worried about me at first, but with boys watching over me he seemed reassured I was in good hands. –I’m not sure where the comma should go there =S hmmm

For the first time since mum died I was happy, I felt I belonged. – a little harsh, maybe a euphemism would help. Perhaps, ‘mum passed away.’

I needed to go surfing so my with my board in hand I went down to the beach.- this didn’t make sense.

I saw the fin shoot out from the water, and speed toward me- sped

Nobody spoke, so I asked again. Dad looked at me with tears in his ears- hehe I think you meant eyes

I looked down towards the end of the bed where Jordan and Robert stood and saw that they weren’t looking at me but down at the bed, with tears in their eyes.- a bit repetitive.


I really didn’t see the shark attack coming and that caught me a little off guard which was good, but that paragraph was a bit too long, so more paragraphs would be easier on the eye. The part where Robert and Jordan came to his rescue didn’t do it for me. I’m sorry, it wasn’t realistic enough. I think it would be better if he managed to escape on his own and then the others can come and find him later.

Other all, it’s rather engaging and with some work, this would be a fine piece! Keep writing. I liked it.

__________________
~Genie K

aspiretowrite

Genie. Thanks for the input. I agree with everything -I actually researched shark attacks and how people survived them. Quite a few involved other people stepping in (or diving in) and hitting the shark hard enough to scare it away. A surfer used his knife hence where I got the idea. I chose the ones that were confirmed by eyewitness and ignored stories like one where a guy fended off a shark, after it bit his leg off, by giving it the old 1-2 1-2 with his fists.

I did ponder whether or not the boy should survive the attack on his own rather than with help - I guess I see 12 yr olds as a bit helpless and easily traumatised, especially by sharks. Definitely food for thought. Thank you very much for the encouragement.

Genie Kays

No problems. I've also heard stories about shark attacks and the stabbing them in the eye with knife etc. How close was he to shore? If he was close, i've no expert about sharks, I hardly know a thing about them, but if I was the boys I would be scared of taking on a shark even if there was someone with me. Perhaps, if they were on a boat? I'm not sure.... I'll have to think on this. Thanks for the read, it was a pleasure.

__________________
~Genie K

Mermaid on the breakwater

Truthfully though, he wanted to escape everything that reminded him of mum and I guess so did I.

Perhaps, “I did, too.’ would sound better.

I would usual gang up with one to try and drown the other before they both turned on me. –usually

flying into the air and gliding on top pf the wave before drifting back to shore.- of

“You’ll love it,” they said. “It’ll change your life for sure.”

Robert, who was the more serious of the two, insisted Jordan warn me about the dangers of the sea.

Dad was a bit worried about me at first but the boys watching over me reassured him. But is a conjunctive, so you don't need the comma before it.

For the first time since mum died I was happy, I felt I belonged. – a little harsh, maybe a euphemism would help. - Why? Maybe his character is not all sugar. Leave it as mum died.

I needed to go surfing. I got my wetsuit on and with my board in hand, I made my way down to the beach.- this didn’t make sense. - Does now.

I saw the fin shoot out from the water, and speed toward me- this is fine

Nobody spoke, so I asked again. Dad looked at me with tears in his ears- hehe I think you meant eyes - lol

I looked down towards the end of the bed where Jordan and Robert stood and saw that they weren’t looking at me but down at the bed, with tears in their eyes.- a bit repetitive. - try, with pearly drops forming in the creases of their eyes.


Just made some more adjustments to the ones already made.