Somthing for nothing(470 words, quick read) - Writers Forum

snorrie · 10-08-2007, 06:05 PM

Just threw this together. Haven't written anything in a few days. Any comments are welcome. Enjoy.

“Have you seen my credit card, Lisa?” Margie was hanging from the kitchen doorway, into the living room where Lisa lay on a couch. MTV was on. She enjoyed the reality shows.

“No, haven’t seen it,” Lisa lied. She stashed it in her purse when Margie took a shower that morning. Later, she planned to get a few things from the liquor store, and she didn’t have a job or any money. Stealing a few dollars for cigarettes and a bottle of wine wouldn’t put Margie on the streets. She should probably buy a lottery ticket as well. She hated Margie, the bitch who had a good paying job working at a downtown law firm.

Margie kept glaring, not moving from the doorway. She didn’t believe her. A month ago, Margie saw her taking money from the kitchen counter and ever since, she caught the blame whenever anything was missing. The nerve.

She threw her hands up and protested, “What? I haven’t seen the damn thing. Maybe you dropped it under the bed. Leave me alone. I’m watching my favorite show, The Life. Marvin is getting out of jail today and I don’t want to miss it.” She changed the subject. It always worked.

“Lisa...if I catch you...”

Lisa slapped her hand on a coffee table next to the couch. She nearly knocked over a glass of milk still filled to the top. A little splashed on a magazine and she took a deep breath. “Damit, Margie...” Her friend was storming down the hall before she could finish her complaint, Margie’s footsteps heavy on the hard wood floor.

The front door opened and then slammed as did Lisa, except down on the soft cushions. The nerve! Now she had to get to the liquor store before Margie could cancel the credit card. Lisa never saw her again. Lucky her.

A few months later, Lisa was sitting in a sun chair on the deck of her million dollar home in Malibu beach. The memory of her distrustful friend was distant, a low point in her life she escaped in style.

She typed a password into a new laptop she got the day before. She always looked at her online bank account, the one that usually balanced at five dollars on average, now bulging at twenty million from her lottery winnings.

“Lisa Morrow,” said a deep voice in back of her.

The voice startled the hell out of her. She jumped and almost fell out of the chair, but caught her balance and swung around to see men in black jackets snooping around her property. FBI was printed on the back of them in bright yellow letters. The one who spoke was standing close enough to touch,almost right against the chair. She moved back, away from him.

“What’s the meaning of this?” Lisa cried, but she knew.

“You’re under arrest for using a stolen credit card in a lottery purchase. Your winnings and property have been siezed. Come with us.”

Dana_Johnson · 10-08-2007, 06:18 PM

Thank you for the read, snorrie, I enjoyed it quite alot.

Only thing that struck me a bit odd. What happened to Margie? At first it seemed like she had died or something. Did Lisa go and win all the money and then just leave? I think that's more likely.

That was about it, though. Everything else had a nice flow to it, and the overall voice seemed to fit quite well. Thanks for the read.

Take care,
Dana

Story · 10-08-2007, 07:35 PM

The writing style was interesting, but the huge jump forward to seized assets skipped the crux of the story.

Most of the story I found myself wondering where this was going, and the rest I wondered what I missed.

This is a good premise, but the gap was way too large. I like the writing style, and read every word. I think this can be a good piece with a few paragraphs in the middle

Truth-Teller · 10-08-2007, 08:17 PM

Snorrie thinks she can just slap whatever words that pop out of his brain, and call it a short story.

Snorrie needs to learn some patience. Short stories takes at least a month to write, proofread, revise, and edit--not a single day.

snorrie · 10-08-2007, 09:03 PM

yeah truth-teller, you're right about taking your time, but when you have a family of four children, you write what you can, when you can. I know it needs development. I just want to get in the habit of writing something everyday. It keeps the juices flowing. And obviously it takes more than a month because you still don't have a short story done yet. Damn, I bet that things going to be good.Thanks for the comments, though. You are right.

Genie Kays · 10-09-2007, 05:46 AM

OooO, I didn’t see the ending coming and I like it.

I like the idea, but it’s too quick, too soon. Perhaps extend it? Margie living with a friend who she knows is distrustful struck me odd, why were they living together anyways, especially if Margie seemed to have a well-paid job?

Never mind, it was a good flash. Nice ending.

snorrie · 10-09-2007, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Genie Kays
Never mind, it was a good flash. Nice ending.

No, you're right. The ending was too quick. I don't have to add much, but it really was too quick and the only reason I cut it off so short was I had to go pick up my kids from school. I knew it at the time, but also I knew once my kids got home I would never be able to finish it and I wanted to complete it quickly. Thanks for the comments.

DENNISM65 · 10-09-2007, 12:37 PM

Well at least in this story Crime did not pay. Enjoyed.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 10-09-2007, 01:24 PM

Ok, I'll offer my opinion. I haven't gone over it looking for small mistakes and I didn't see any problems with the way it was written so that's all good. But, I am struggling to understand what the message is, is there a depth to it that I am missing, or is it just girl steals credit card, gets arrested?

If it had more of a powerful message like Margie ended up broke because of Lisa spending money on her credit card and then... I don't know, this is off the top of my head... Someone steals Lisa's credit card and the same happens to her. That sucks, I know but it's ironic and has a message. So far, you've got the outline for something of the sort.

Queen of Wands · 10-09-2007, 03:26 PM

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SevenWritez · 10-09-2007, 05:59 PM

[She knew] FBI was printed on the back of them. Easy.

Anyways, Mermaid, not every story needs to have a purpose, yet sadly that seems to be something taking precedence now a days. A fun quote for that is this: "Well, that was critics for you. Story was out, masturbation in."--'Salem's Lot, Stephen King.

It's a shame really, a lot of writers with otherwise great potential fall into ponderous rambles that to many might seem deep and engaging, yet to most come off as stupid, dull, and boring (Reading isn't "dead," as some are saying, but it is dropping for a reason). "Philosophy," and "purpose," are making their way into "fun," and "entertaining." Makes me sad to see most new books turning into this now. Makes me sadder to see anything that stays fun for the sake of fun (A Thousand Splendid Suns, Harry Potter) get bashed by writers on forums who claim to know the in's and out's of literature.

Anyhow, as for the piece itself, it's a flash, it was quick, but it was entertaining...anything that I could possibly say has already been said, but whatever. I just wanted to comment on the purpose/plot thing.

Queen of Wands · 10-09-2007, 06:17 PM

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Mermaid on the breakwater · 10-09-2007, 06:19 PM

Completely agreed, severnwritez. But anything worth reading has a message of some sort. Harry Potter has more than just one layer. I didn't see the depth to this piece and I think that's because it was rather rushed. Not that I am the authority on such things, and I wouldn't want to be, how boring.

Yes it was fun and there was nothing wrong with it. But just because it doesn't have something wrong with it doesn't mean that it's not open for criticism. And, if I were to level one criticism at this piece, it would be the lack of depth.

Look at my comments on the "Harry Potter, is it literature thread?" It was started by truth-teller so you should have no problem finding it, just go to all the threads he's started section in his profile. You'll see how I agree entirely with you.

Truth-Teller · 10-09-2007, 06:42 PM

I think what is missing with this story is heart.

Not plot, theme, mood--but heart.

Your characters mean nothing to me. I do not care if they live or die. Make me relate, you understand?

Mermaid on the breakwater · 10-09-2007, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truth-Teller

I think what is missing with this story is heart.

Not plot, theme, mood--but heart.

Your characters mean nothing to me. I do not care if they live or die. Make me relate, you understand?

I think that's what I was trying to get at. Thanks truth-teller. The depth just isn't there for me emotionally.