Mermaid on the breakwater

Introduction: This is basically a biblical image (guy carrying big piece of wood, through a world which no longer cares.) The whole idea is not that it has a resolution but that it is an ongoing struggle, that never ends. I should have explained this earlier because it dramatically changes your reading.



An untidy looking man with an old green hat, blue trousers, blue top, clings to a homemade sail as he makes his way down to the docks. Past the low granite wall. Ropes sprawled over it, trying to reach out and touch the rocky, dusty path.

His brown, leather shoes are worn on the underside, and though them, David can feel the stones. He can feel the summer breeze, too. The sun is not high in the sky, it is almost below the horizon and David has to squint to make out the route before him. The village smells of dead fish. An old man with a white beard and a walking stick, a pipe in his mouth, is undercutting the fishmonger on the other side of town. Three other men in blue trousers - dock workers - are purchasing them from him. David wipes tears from his eyes and licks his cracked lips. The dust is particularly fine where the ocean comes closer to the island.

Waving from side to side, the sail bobs it's way down the narrow lane and on towards the concaved buildings lining the beach. The slate on the roofs of each is a different shade but the overall complexion is charcoal. Faded with fatigue, the sighing buildings overlook a busy promenade below. More blue trousers, more blue tops - each carrying pieces of driftwood, the only kind they can afford, back and forth, in front of the harboured boats. Some small, some large. All rusted and ugly.

David follows the path down and around. Housewives carry baskets. Old men watch. David ploughs a furrow. His throat is tickling and his Adams apple is rubbing it raw. The water is sparse because the island is in the middle of a drought. The landscape is baked hard and dry; the walls of the buildings are warm to his touch, everything is absorbing the heat. An emaciated cat, it's ribs visible through it's shaved coat, prowls a windowsill, it's tongue lolling. Everyone and everything is affected. Nobody does anything about it; they just put buckets up on their rooftops.

He props the mast against a building and quickly moves it again when an old woman shouts at him from the window upstairs. She's waving a one arm and with the other, she's clutching her head - heatstroke. He reaches out with two sunburnt forearms and hoists it back across his shoulders. This is his burden to carry. Down towards the docks. The inhabitants watching him go. A young woman catches his eye, but David has a wife.

The gulls circle above. They are here every day. They watch to make sure the daily routine is not broken. But soon it will be because the drought will suck the life from everything, it is already doing it; David feels dizzy and sick. His limbs are leaden with something more than just tiredness. If it doesn't rain soon... It doesn't bear thinking about. Instead he carries on stumbling and sliding his way down the path. Careful not to drop the sail.

He makes his way across the promenade now and nobody says anything. Heads are down, eyes are heavy. The young men are exhausted. The sound of iron clanging on iron, the steady beat of a drum that keeps the figures hauling, heaving and dropping. Repeating.

Mermaid on the breakwater

Just something I put together in the last hour. Seeing as I hadn't posted any work of my own...

Queen of Wands

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Arkalem

See, this is what I need to learn. You have the ability to weave images without the extreme wordiness I fall victim to.

It is reminiscent in both style and subject to Ken Follett's work.

You did however, seem to mistakenly shift tenses several times, going back and forth between past and present. In fact, the entire second half is in past tense.

Now, I'm not very smart, so there's a chance you meant to do that and I missed it, but it was certainly offputting.

Good work...is it part of a longer piece?

Mermaid on the breakwater

Thanks for the comments. And thanks for reading! The idea is that it has no purpose and it doesn't go anywhere. The Island never changes and nor do the people who live on it. Sure, I take your criticisms about the imagery and where it could be furthered. If it had a purpose it would destroy the melancholy of the piece. It's not something I would want to develop because it would take away from the message.

Could you point the details out to me that distract from the narrative flow?

I thought it was obvious David was the man with the sail? lol

Mermaid on the breakwater

I realised I was switching tenses lol. I am not saying that's right or wrong, it just felt right. If I was going to edit it, I'd fix that. Thanks for the compliments as well.

Queen of Wands

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Mermaid on the breakwater

Originally, I didn't want to include the introduction becuase of the reason you've presented. But don't take my presentation to literally, it's not meant to recreate, in every detail, Jesus' march to death. It's just one image through which I can portray this character's struggle.

And the thing about the old man selling the fish is important because he is ripping off the fishmonger across town. The people purchasing the fish from him don't give a damn that he's doing that. David wiping tears from his eyes. Is it because of the dust or what he's seeing? It's open ended. But all those things contribute.

I didn't understand your point about sun parched soil and dried flowerbeds. Is that right? If you go to a docks you don't see either of those things nor do you see dehydrated animals. It's a shipping community. Also, I wasn't entirely sure what you meant by broken sentences? Is that what you said, I can't remember without reading your post again? Or words to that effect anyway. Simply because you later said that my sentences had a good variation of length. I am not trying to sound defensive and I am aware I probably do osund defensive but i am honestly just trying to understand some of the criticisms you made.

Again, the clothes are supposed to classify him as working class.

Queen of Wands

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Rahvin

Some good images there, Mermaid.

The only problems I have is the abrupt tense change. It may have 'felt' right, but it is actually wrong. Honest.

The other thing is that you sometimes have subjectless sentences (eg "Past the low granite wall". What is going past the low granite wall? You see?). Sentences like that are ofte clauses that get a period put in instead of a comma, and it makes them meaningless. They are not complete sentences, and while that can sometimes work in prose:

Like this.

Subjectless description is a bit different though. Just make sure that each sentence makes sense in isolation.

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Mermaid on the breakwater

I've given it a very quick edit. I know, I know, I was lazy and didn't edit it before. That's why the tenses kept changing and all it needed was a quick going over. I am writing a novel at the minute and I am currently 30000 words in so I didn't pay proper attention to this piece. As truth teller said in another thread about somebody else, I am guilty of just writing what's in my head and throwing it out to the masses straight away. Hope you enjoy the minor improvements.