Story

Snorrie: Strangely enough, no. Although this story parallels many books/ideas, its inspiration came from an odd source. I was listening to a book on tape written by the Dali Lama (the universe in a single atom) and he was explaining the basic tenets of Buddhism.

This story (although Job comes from the Bible, not Buddhism) sort of sprang from that.

Leofric: Yeah, thats something that I like about it. It doesn't have an ending and in fact never can. When she moves on, another poor soul will take over and someone will take over for them. The question of "what happens next" is infinite in this story, so the ending can come anywhere.

Also, even though she is causing these things to happen, she isn't exempt from the world. Imagine the emotional difficulty of spending your time punishing people for reasons unknown (the girl, what did she do that was so bad that she isn't allowed to be completely happy? Its an unknown, but still she had to be pushed off track). This is where the sadness of the wisp comes in, he has been worn down by the job.. and finally he has paid his price. Where will he go next? /shrug

Rahvin

I like it. The only things would be that the ending seems a little rushed (it seems rather abrupt, or maybe it's just me...). Also, "ghost stared into space and the finally just shrugged.". "The" should be "then", I think.

Good, though. Held my interest, and a good concept. I did notice the similarities with Memnoch the Devil, but they're only small, coincidental ones. Personally, I like the image of a lone soul, isolated from everything, meting out punisment and reward in an endless cycle for all time. It's a very emotive, evocative image.

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snorrie

Actually, that was a silly question. I asked it because I just finished reading Memnoch. I realized what I asked right after I posted my question. Silly me.

ValianceInEnd

That was a really great story! Perfect length for the emotion you were going for. It really is an interesting idea.

Just Mandy

It felt like it was going somewhere and then just sort of...didn't. There was a chance for some great dialogue there, it started off very strongly. I think you could do something great with this if it could flex a bit.

lazerbeak

Enigmatic! I agree that the dialogue could be tighter in places though...

Story

Thanks for reviewing. What does flex a bit mean, specifically? Where did the dialoge need to be tightened?

Cefor

I liked it, it held my interest perfectly. I think that many a great story could be had from this, though I won't steal your ideas

I didn't find anything else wrong so... there we go! A good piece.

Keep it up!
Cefor

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Story

Thanks Cefor! If you want to take a crack at the concept, its fine with me. I'm not submitting this anywhere, its just a writing exercise.