Fossy

DONE TO DEATH. 531 words.

I met you when I was just 18. The moment I first saw you I knew we’d be together for a lifetime.

For me it was love at first sight, and if I’m really honest I’m pretty sure you felt the same – you knew I’d take care of you, that’s all you wanted.

You were beautiful; dark skinned, bright flashing eyes, and not too tall - perfect, but then I don't like them higher than me.

I have to admit you did have one flaw. The more I got to know you, the more I learnt you were high maintenance, like all females. I didn’t mind, you gave me back much more than I deserved.

We began our journey soon after we met. Saw things few even dream about during the years we shared.

By mutual consent we decided not to have children. We knew early on that kids just mess with your insides and no matter what you do, things never get back to the way they were.

Sadly as we both grew older, I understood you wouldn’t make it to the end. Your spirit wasn’t strong enough. The years of travel had weakened you, slowed down your drive to go on. Now I wished we’d stayed home more – wished we’d simply settled into an average life together instead of steering you on to the next town – the next great sight.

But being stubborn I urged you on, said you'd be fine and you were complaining about nothing.

I knew you were tired. You kept dropping little hints – sometimes funny little sighs and now and then a little cough.

I knew deep down the cough was serious and it was damaging your drive, but I ignored the signs. I couldn’t admit that you were sicker than you let on. How could I prepare myself to say goodbye to the second most important female in my life?

I didn’t have the money for the help you needed - travelling and using up my inheritance had cost you your life.

I loved stroking your smooth dark skin at night, after you'd made me happy. Now it's dimpled and faded, despite the money I’d spent on you to maintain it. In that regard you didn’t ask for much.

I held you in my hands the day you coughed your last breath. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I recalled the years together – the things we’d seen – the words I’d said to you - the way you spoke back. Once I yelled at you, but you forgave me – you always forgave me.

So I stand dry eyed as they take you away and hold what’s left - the faded photograph taken when we met. It’s a picture of me sitting on your bonnet – the dark green bonnet of a Mini Cooper ‘S’.

__________________
Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

snorrie

Touching piece, but if you could give it a good edit. It would be a tear jerker. Just a quick edit for you. There are more things that need fixing. Good luck. Keep writing.

Quote:

I met you when you were just 18. From the moment I first saw you, I knew we would be together for a lifetime.

delete highlighted

Watch the repetitive use of though.

Scrambled syntax. Rewrite: The more I got to know you, the more I realized you were high maintenance like all females.

Personally I would get rid of this.

Watch repetition. Use started or another word in place of one of them.


Again, scrambled syntax. Keep it simple and clear for the reader.
Rewrite: Saw things few even dream about, during the years we shared.(my own little touch at the end. Cleaner imo.

Watch repetitiveness. You’ve used this a few times already. Use a different word, maybe agreed.


Get rid of red highlighted

I would combine these two sentences to make it more active voice
Rewrite: The years of travel weakened your heart, slowed down your drive to continue. Just my opinion.


Delete highlighted


Delete highlighted

I’m not sure how a coughing can damage your heart, but take a look at it. Maybe I’m wrong. If a cough can damage your hear, then I would take out the wordiness.
Rewrite: I knew your cough was damaging your heart,



Delete highlighted

I think your tenses are confused here. I think it should be had been costing you your
life.

Watch the wordiness. This whole piece is remembering, so you don’t need to add those extra words. Keep it simple. Delete highlighted

I would have made this more active voice to drag the reader in. Plus its wordy, again.
Rewrite: Now I hold what’s left, the faded photograph taken when we met.

Fossy

Thanks Snorrie. I have used the suggestions you've made and a couple more. That's a great edit. I was watching the Bathurst car race yesterday and just had one of those silly little inspirations.

Thanks again mate.

__________________
Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

snorrie

Oh wow, some of my editing didn't copy straight from my word program. I'll go back and see if I can rectify this problem. There are a few commments that don't make sense because this word processor can't perform certain functions. Hold on while I figure this out.

snorrie

Now look at my comments. Makes more sense.

Fossy

Yeah, I get your edited stuff. Thanks again snorrie. I'll go back and change it. Gotta have a shower, been up all morning messing around.

I'm certainly seeing where my mistakes are. Thankyou.

__________________
Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

SevenWritez

Second to my mother? What? Huh? I had to smack myself twice and blink a few times, but nope, it was still there. Seriously, get rid of that, it's freaky.

Other than that, I liked this.

__________________

penforhire

Didn't like it.

WHEN THEY SAY SHOW DON'T TELL, GUESS WHAT? THEY ARE NOT LYING!

Other than that I loved your work, more specifically the blank empty space between the lines. That was awesome.

All kidding aside, the ending was good.

__________________
Always without desire we must be found,
if the deepest mystery we would sound,
but if desire within us be,
its outer fringe is all we shall see.

Fossy

Thanks PFH I'm in awe of the white spaces on your pages too!

__________________
Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

Queen of Wands

deleted

Fossy

I was thinking I might change it to first person, instead of second. I've never written anything in second before and it was just an experiment in - okay in what, I don't know, just an experiment really. Thanks for your comments. In order to take out the I's I shall have to do some hard thinking to make this better.

As penforhire so eloquently pointed out, there is more tell than show. I just wanted to talk about feelings that's all. It wasn't a story about movement or scenery, just the feelings the person had as the car was taken away.

__________________
Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

Queen of Wands

deleted

Fossy

Okay, so here's a re-write.

DONE TO DEATH: 693 words.


We met when I was just 18 and from that first moment came the understanding we’d be together for a lifetime. It was love at first sight for me, and she felt the same – she knew I’d take care of her - it’s all she needed, all I wanted.

She was beautiful; dark skinned, bright flashing eyes, and not too tall – perfect. Although there was one tiny flaw, discovered soon after our introduction - she was high maintenance, exactly like all females. Well I didn’t mind, she gave me back a great deal more than I deserved.

We began our journey soon after we met. Saw things few even dream about during the years we shared. There was one journey across a hot, relentless desert highway that made us both choke. Many times we’d stop to catch our breath and let the dust settle. We’d stand side by side to watch an impressive sunset – the clouds turning a bruised purple and orange as storm clouds lurked on the horizon. Sometimes we camped for the night and she’d keep me safe and warm from the cool desert night, while mysterious creepy animals scuttled around us.

Then up again at dawn to continue our journey across that lonely sand blown road, never seeing anything but struggling Mulga grass and small stands of bloodwood eucalyptus. The red dunes threatened to blow across the flood plains and blind our vision when the windscreen washers ran out of water.

After the desert it was a relief to reach the coastal road, and the cool sea breeze in our faces seemed to give us both more vitality. The fresh air cleared our lungs and charged our batteries. However, she didn’t like the surf. Once I took her down to the water and she stood dead still in her tracks – it took me ages to coax her on to dry land after she froze in the swirling incoming tide.

It was my decision not to have children. It wasn’t hard to imagine them leaving ice cream cones in the back seat, scratching the upholstery with their shoe buckles, and slowing us down when they needed to stop for toilet breaks. Nor did I miss the snotty noses and whiny cries. It was no life for kids.


As we both grew older, the realisation came she wouldn’t make the journey to the end. Her small heart wasn’t strong enough. The years of travel had weakened her, slowed down her drive to go on. Now I wished we’d stayed home more – wished we’d settled into an average life of domesticity instead of steering on to the next unfamiliar town – the next anticipated sight.

But being stubborn I had urged her on, said she’d be fine and she complained about nothing, even though she often told me she was tired. She kept dropping little hints – sometimes funny little sighs and now and then a little cough. Knowing deep down the cough was serious and it was damaging her strength, I ignored the signs - couldn’t admit she was sicker than she let on. How do you prepare yourself to say goodbye to the second most important female in your life? Besides, there was no money left for the help she needed. Travelling and using up my inheritance had come at great cost to her.

Stroking her smooth dark skin at night after a long tiring day is one of my happiest memories. Now it's dimpled and faded, despite the money I’d spent on her to maintain it. In that regard she didn’t ask for much.

Yesterday she coughed her last breath. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I rested my hands on her small body and recalled our years together – the things we’d seen – the words I’d said and the way she spoke back. Once I yelled at her, but she forgave me – she always forgave me.

So I stand dry eyed as they take her on that final journey and hold in my hand what’s left - the faded photograph taken when we met. It’s a picture of me sitting on her bonnet – the dark green bonnet of a Mini Cooper ‘S’.

__________________
Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

smilinghelps

Brilliant Fossy! I was anticipating the ending so I had to slow myself down to read it all. Nicely done!

One typo that I saw on first read: How could do you prepare yourself to say goodbye

Great images!

__________________
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
E. B. White