Dreamspace - Writers Forum

Zensati · 09-25-2007, 01:38 AM

Sitting around on the computer all day was tedious. I decided to take a rest. I got up out of my seat left the room which was full of Jabronies and headed towards a nearby couch. in a lounge area.

I layed down on the couch and shut my eyes. gradually I fell asleep. When I awoke the office was empty and I was all alone. I decided to walk through the wall, It seemed the quickest way to exit the building.

When I arrived outside the building I saw the familiar streets of my neighbourhood. It was late at night and quite dark. I looked up the street and heard the clippity cloppitying of horses. A carriage shaped like a giant pumpkin was being pulled up the street by 2 black stallions.

A guant man dresed in black 17th century garb was driving the carriage towards me. He stopped the carriage right next to me and stared at me with his dead eyes. I stared back.

The gaunt man pointed to the door of the pumpkin carriage motioning me to enter, I thought about it and then knocked on the carriage door. The door opened and A beautiful woman dressed in a black 19th century dress looked at me and said "Come inside I have good news."

The woman had pale skin

and long black hair and a nice set of boobs., I was definetly attracted so I Immeadeatly hopped up into the carriage.Once inside I sat opposite the babe and she smiled at me knowingly, she shut the door of the carriage and the driver urged the horses to go. the carriage then moved forward and I wondered what the fuck was going on...

Zensati · 09-25-2007, 11:26 PM

The carriage set off with me and the Babe riding inside.

"So." I said "My name is Geoff whats yours?"

The lady smiled at me and said "I am Cassandra de Mornay. I am one of the seven dreammasters."

"Right." I answered "And why are we sitting in a giant fucking Pumpkin!"

"This is my Dream carriage." responded Cassandra. "I have been watching your dreams I know everything about you. What If I told you you were dreaming right now?"

"Well." I said "That would explain all the crazy shit. but this feels too real to be a dream."

"What is a dream and what is reality?" asked Cassandra "Its all a matter of perspective."

"So why am I dreaming all this then." I asked.

"I wanted to meet you because I believe you have great potential." stated Cassandra

"Potential for what?" I asked.

Zensati · 09-30-2007, 11:50 PM

As the carriage rolled on, Cassandra spoke to me "You and I are now travelling through dreamspace. Dreamspace is where you travel when you dream. In dreamspace anything is possible. There are no limitations here."

"So I am asleep then?" I asked.

"In the physical world you are currently asleep. In Dreamspace you are here with me. fully awake." answered Cassandra.

"So." I said "I am in another reality."

"Yes." said Cassandra "Dreamspace is just as real as the physical Universe only in this reality of dreams, the rules are different."

Soon the Carriage stopped. "We have arrived." announced Cassandra.

cinder and smoke · 10-01-2007, 12:42 PM

First, start with paying attention to the grammar and punctuation. It is SO off in this piece.

Second, the idea you are trying to express has not been executed well. It's like all this weird stuff is happening to this character but he takes no mind to it. There is no point in expressing a strange alternate reality if the character experiencing it doesn't care.

It's too dull. There is nothing interesting here.

Quote:

"Right." I answered "And why are we sitting in a giant fucking Pumpkin!"

I like this though. Gives the piece a bit of flavor that it desperatly needs.

Keep going with your idea. The last line leaves me wanting to read what happens next even though I'm not particularly fond of what was written before. After you get all your ideas down, I think it would be wise to try and embellish it more and attempt to personify the characters. They are terribly boring.

snorrie · 10-01-2007, 01:27 PM

I don't think you set the stage for this piece. It's too fast and underdeveloped. There's alot that needs explaining about his situation. It left me frustrated and once I got to the nice boobs commment, I was turned off. It just seemed childish to describe a woman's breasts in that manner, something a kid would say. Develope, develope, develope!!!!!!

Zensati · 10-01-2007, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snorrie

I don't think you set the stage for this piece. It's too fast and underdeveloped. There's alot that needs explaining about his situation. It left me frustrated and once I got to the nice boobs commment, I was turned off. It just seemed childish to describe a woman's breasts in that manner, something a kid would say. Develope, develope, develope!!!!!!

Thanx 4 the advice. Unfortunately I havent given myself time to develop this. Because I wrote this as I went along. I wanted the perspective to be as simple as possible because the lead character Geoff has a very simplistic view of things. Thats why he says stuff like "Nice Boobs." It shows the characters simplicity and boorishness.

snorrie · 10-01-2007, 10:16 PM

I know what its like to want to finish something and it actually feels great when I do. But I've also learned to take my time in development. If you think its satisfying to get a story out, wait till you have it all put together the right way. The feeling is a whole different ball game. To each his own.

Zensati · 10-23-2007, 01:47 AM

Cassandra and I exited the carriage and found ourselves in an unusual setting. The Pumpkin carriage was stopped on a Pathway situated next to a dark foreboding forest which looked huge and inpenetrible. The Sun was starting to arise and the wilderness was illuminated with morning light.

The beautiful raven haired Cassandra turned to me and said "Follow." She then headed towards the Forest. I'm a bit of a sucker for a pretty face as are most men I know so I followed orders and walked with her deep into the forest leaving our Pumpkin vehicle and its pale skinned driver behind.

We soon arrived at a clearing where a stream was situated. The water of the stream looked translucent and fresh. "Take drinkage." instructed Cassandra she then bent down and drank from the stream.

"Yes melady." I answered in ridiculous fashion and I cupped some of the pure looking water into my hands and took a few gulps. I found the water most satisfying and I thouroughly recommend it. After I had finished drinking I felt reenergised and excited in an unusual way.

Cassandra looked even more beautiful in the morning light. she looked at me and smiled that beautiful smile again,

and my heart skipped a few beats, she ushered me towards her with her hand.

"Come to me." said Cassandra, she now seemed to be showing me a more sensual side to her nature, she stared into my eyes with those dark colored eyes and I got a glimpse of her soul perhaps.

"Kiss me." she instructed, I obliged and we started kissing and hugging. her body was firm in all the right places and soft in all the right places, a true playground of mysterious delights.

Well for the next hour or so we had a bit of outdoor fun, but I wont go into it here save for the fact it was one of the most pleasurable experiences of my somewhat mediocre existence. After we had finished the deed, we both put our clothes back on.

"The fun is over." said cassandra. "Now for the buisness."

Zensati · 12-02-2007, 06:41 PM

I heard dreadful screams that sounded like the howls of demons. The screams echoed through the forest getting closer and closer and filling my heart with fear.

Cassandra looked at me and smiled. This time it was a sinister smile and there was a malicious look in her eyes.

She came close to me and whispered in my ear. "Your test has begun my child. You must show me what lies within."

I stared at her confused as she slowly walked away. The screams were closer and closer and I could see humanoid forms rushing through the dark mist of the forest towards me. I could sense something bad was going to happen and I shouted to Cassandra "Wait help me my Love!"

Cassandra turned and looked at me with a wild look in her eyes. "Help yourself fool!" she screamed "Show me your Dream Warrior combat aspect!"

In a matter of seconds the beasts were apon me...

Aevin · 12-03-2007, 01:07 AM

I can see what you're trying to do with the voice, and some of it is successful, and some is not. In dreams, I would expect a degree of surreality that seems to be lacking here. This could be helped with more description. You have mentioned that you're character is supposed to be "simple." You can show this as you have been doing through the voice. However, his nature should be affecting the way he sees things, not whether or not he sees them at all.

When he looks at the forest, not only do I want to see more of it--what makes it different than every other dark forest in every other story--but what he feels. Try giving the story a little more of a mood based on what's happening. Try describing things from the character's point of view, in such a way that it shows more of the world, and more of his own emotions.

You have a good sense of humor, and "bare bones prose" can be a good thing. This, however, is a little too bare-boned.

By the way ... I did notice an improvement in the final two sections when compared to your older work. Keep working and thinking, and I'm sure it will pay off.

Zensati · 12-03-2007, 04:50 PM

Cool. thanks for the feedback Aevin.

Zensati · 12-03-2007, 06:20 PM

The creatures swarmed about me. Their appearances were horrific.

They had strange reptilian skin and glowing yellow eyes,they were short in stature, only 4 foot tall. There must of been 7 or more. They had bipedal humanoid bodies but ran about with inhuman speed. They howled at me with their hideous cries that sounded like the wailing of dying animals.

They had razor sharp teeth and claws and they slashed at me one after the other taking much pleasure at drawing my blood. I stumbled about like a clumsy infant trying desperatley to avoid their slashing movements, but they kept catching me with those horrible claws and I was bleeding away.

Despretley I looked for Cassandra, and I spotted the treacherous bitch sitting on a branch high up in one of the trees. She was staring down at me with an emotionless expression on her face.

"Come on you fool!" shouted Cassandra "Let your true self arise and fight for your life! If you don't fight you shall die and it wont just be a dream!"

I wondered what she had meant by this comment. Maybe this was some kind of test, was she testing me? As I kept avoiding the creatures I thought about what she had said. In the middle of the chaos time stood still for me, I had a vision that had entered my mind.

A clown was dancing In my mind, he had an exquisite chinese sword with which he was dancing with. The clown looked at me and said "Become me Geoff! unleash me into dreamspace!"

I awoke from my vision and energy pulsated from my body. The Creatures that tormented me were hurled away by the blast. I looked at my Body and I was dressed In the multicolored garb of a clown, In my right hand I held the exquisite chinese sword I had seen In the dream within a dream.

I had discovered my Dreamwarrior aspect, I was the dancing Clown and now my strange tormentors would taste my fury!...

Zensati · 12-09-2007, 06:16 PM

The beasties rushed at me. Strangely I had isntantaneous knowledge of every known martial art, and I also knew how to use a chinese sword, even though I had never practiced sword fighting or martial arts before.

I stabbed the first one right between his eyes and its acidic blood burst out of its skull. I kicked another one in his head with a powerful side kick. I must have kicked the bastard hard because I heard his neck break.

I extracted my sword from the first beasts skull as I kicked one of them away, he flew back and snorted in frustration. 2 more of the bastards rushed at me eager to chop me to ribbons with their natural weoponry. But I lashed my sword in the air with 2 flowing slashs and I cut the fuckers up! their acidic blood splashed everywhere and it burnt into my arm. The pain made me mad. Real Mad!

I went into a kind of blood frenzy and started hacking with my sword at an insane speed, and I managed to finish off the rest of the beasties within 30 seconds. By the time I was finished I was standing over their chopped up remains. and their blood was burning through my ridiculous clown costume.

I heard female laughter and I looked up to see Cassandra still sitting on her tree branch she was laughing at me!

"You look ridiculous!" giggled Cassandra "This is your Dream Warrior form? Your a fucking clown!"

With one mighty leap I jumped up to the branch she was seated on and I aimed the tip of my sword to her face. "You've got some explaining to do." I instructed.

The Cowboy Philosopher · 12-09-2007, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snorrie

once I got to the nice boobs commment, I was turned off. It just seemed childish to describe a woman's breasts in that manner,

LOL!!! Maybe it´s a "guy" story...

dponlyme · 02-23-2008, 04:37 AM

I have just one thought about your work that I wanted to share. If you are writing from the first person point of view perhaps the language used throughout should match more with what this simple boorish man would use. For instance I'm quite sure your character would not describe water as 'translucent'. More probably he would think it looked 'clear' because as you say he is simple minded. Does this make sense? I lied I have another thought. The part where he is being ripped by the claws as the babe looks on... I don't get the feeling it is even in the slightest painful. It is more like he is looking on at someone else getting ripped up. My advice is to get inside your characters head and stay there. Describe the story from his point of view and not your own camouflaged as his. Does that make sense?