Dreamspace - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Zensati · 02-23-2008, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dponlyme

I have just one thought about your work that I wanted to share. If you are writing from the first person point of view perhaps the language used throughout should match more with what this simple boorish man would use. For instance I'm quite sure your character would not describe water as 'translucent'. More probably he would think it looked 'clear' because as you say he is simple minded. Does this make sense? I lied I have another thought. The part where he is being ripped by the claws as the babe looks on... I don't get the feeling it is even in the slightest painful. It is more like he is looking on at someone else getting ripped up. My advice is to get inside your characters head and stay there. Describe the story from his point of view and not your own camouflaged as his. Does that make sense?

These are valid points, I suppose I was writing this story from the viewpoint of the narrator telling you about something that happened In his past. Kind of like he is remembering it., If you know what I mean?

Zensati · 04-16-2008, 12:25 AM

Cassandra sat their on the branch sitting very silently. She seemed undisturbed about my threats.

"Calm yourself my child." she uttered in a quiet and delicate tone. "Those creatures you killed were Pixie goblins. They are inhabitants of this magical forest.

You invaded their territory and so they attacked you. But you have defended yourself and discovered your Dream Warrior aspect."

I realised that I might have been overreacting and sheathed my sword into the scabbard strapped onto my multicolored belt.

"Good." she continued "I am no threat to you."

"So you say." I responded. "But the way you acted before makes me distrust you. You said to me that it was a test. what do you mean? What is this Dream Warrior aspect you speak of?"

Cassandra looked away from me at something far in the distance. from our vantage point high up in the tree we had a good view of the horizon.

"War is coming to dreamspace." said Cassandra "Soon the dreams of man will be a battle ground between the servants of hell and the servants of Heaven. Dreamspace is currently ruled by the seven dream masters of which I am one. We have been governing the dreams of man for what seems like an eternity... But the Angels and Demons wish to change that.. they have become peverted and are hungry for power!.. So we seven Dream Masters must raise an army of dream Warriors to fight them!... Mankind needs your help Geoff... You must protect their dreams."

Zensati · 05-25-2008, 11:12 PM

"Angels? Demons?" I said, "What insanity! There is no such thing! I am just hallucinating! I'm just dreaming all this!"

"No Geoff, this is real." exclaimed Cassandra "You know it is."

I didnt beleive her, "Sure. Pixie goblins, Pumpkin carriages, Clown suits.

It doesnt get more real than this!" I commented sarcasticly. "I dont beleive that any of this is real! I am going to force myself to wake up!"

Cassandra sat there on the branch with her feet dangling down, she was still staring into the horizon, the sun was high in the sky. Trees were everywhere.

"Fine." said Cassandra "Its time for you to wake up. But remember what I have told you. You will see me very soon."

Cassandra waved her left hand at me in a dismissive gesture. And I Immeadeatly fell asleep, As I drifted off I could feel myself falling to the ground at great speed from my original position high In tree.

I could feel the wind zooming past me and the ground rushing towards me, And then all of a sudden I awoke!..

Zensati · 06-19-2008, 12:08 AM

I woke up to find myself in a prone position on the sofa in the lounge area of my workplace. Standing over me was my Supervisor, am ugly blonde woman called Mary, she had her hands on her hips and was staring down at me with a furious expression on her grotty face.

"Why arent you at you computer?" she yelled.

I got up off the couch, and felt pain In my arms and legs, I pulled up one of my sleeves and saw cuts and burns all over my arms.

"What happened?" asked Mary, who stared at my injuries.

I then realised that what had happened to me was real in a way that I could'nt comprehend.

"I dont know.. " I answered "Something weird is going on."

"Well you better get your self to a doctor" instructed Mary "You look like you got into a fight with a wild animal.

"

"Or maybe.. a Pixie Goblin.." I whispered.

As I left the office that day I realised that reality was more complicated than I had ever dreamt of.

THE END.

AlienatedAlien · 06-19-2008, 11:40 AM

You are telling us everything but showing us nothing. If you want to make this story more intense, vivid and interesting, you must show us what is happening and not just tell us. Granted this is harder in first person POV, but simply telling what is happening can only hold a readers attention for so long, regardless of the amount of action, violence or sex.

Dont mean to be an A-hole, just keeping in real. Take it or leave it. Good Luck

Zensati · 06-19-2008, 11:20 PM

Ok cool, but can you be a bit more specific.. Do you feel I failed to describe the scenes properly?

AlienatedAlien · 06-22-2008, 11:19 PM

Okay, here is the first line I grabbed as an example.

The woman had pale skin and long black hair and a nice set of boobs., I was definetly attracted

What you did here was tell us everything. You told us she has pale skin, black hair and nice boobs...also that he is definately attracted to her. Just telling us is easy, simple and not as interesting to the reader. This can be improved upon by showing us the scene, the woman and the mans interaction with her.

try this link, i just did a google search... there are so many pages on this type of stuff. It will help.

Science Fiction Writer Robert J. Sawyer: On Writing*— Show

Zensati · 06-23-2008, 11:29 PM

Ok. I see what you mean, the problem is that the lead character "Geoff" was the narrarator of the story, and he was telling the story In a very simplistic way. Almost a blunt way, that is why he does'nt describe things very clearly. He describes everything in the past tense as If it happened to him along time ago, and It doesnt really have as much impact on him.

Does that make sense?

Zensati · 07-16-2008, 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cinder and smoke

First, start with paying attention to the grammar and punctuation. It is SO off in this piece.

Second, the idea you are trying to express has not been executed well. It's like all this weird stuff is happening to this character but he takes no mind to it. There is no point in expressing a strange alternate reality if the character experiencing it doesn't care.

It's too dull. There is nothing interesting here.

I like this though. Gives the piece a bit of flavor that it desperatly needs.

Keep going with your idea. The last line leaves me wanting to read what happens next even though I'm not particularly fond of what was written before. After you get all your ideas down, I think it would be wise to try and embellish it more and attempt to personify the characters. They are terribly boring.

Dont blame me woman! Geoff is the one telling this story!

Kast13 · 07-17-2008, 05:09 AM

I want more.

Zensati · 07-18-2008, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kast13

I want more.

You got it champ! Dreamspace 2 coming soon!

Kast13 · 07-19-2008, 01:28 AM

Sweet.