Frabes

I know there's an awful lot of profanity in this, but I feel like it needs to be there.


Our neighbor's the first person she fucks, probably more out of convenience than anything else. I can't stand the little cunt, not just because she's fucking him, but also because I hated him even before all this--that corduroy jacket, those dumbass Buddy Holly glasses, the canvas messenger bag he toted around. Most of all I hated his music, that slow, meandering baroque pop shit. The kind of shit that saddoes and artists listen to, the kind of shit that makes you want to blow your head off because you don't understand anything about it except that it makes you feel like shit, like the world is shit and there's nothing to be done about it. Every night, that same music. Like a fog--an aerosolized sadness that crept its way across the hall and under our door and expanded into every corner of the apartment.The only thing I knew could get rid of it was a good high, so every time that music started, we'd roll one and get that sadness out of us.

Now, though--now it's different. She's over there, probably drinking red wine while he reads her some of his coffee-house bullshit poetry, that fucking music playing just quiet enough for him to speak over. She's over there listening to him talk, waiting to rip his pants off and fuck his brains out so she can walk through the door with that smug look on her face like she got what she'd needed all along, got what I couldn't give her. She's over there getting hers, not giving a fuck about me. And I'm over here with a half-empty place and not nearly enough shit to get rid of this kind of sadness.

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A Kind of Truth

sputnik_15

its a very powerful peice. ive read a story that was written like this, and personally i like it. I feel like the profanity is able to add more image on a story fast and simple. I felt as if i was reading almost a poem.. becuase the length and the type. but i liked it

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You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

snorrie

Chris Miller

I liked it. I thought the "profanity" was integral to his character. But I love these twisted 1st person character studies. Any longer and you'd probably have to somehow explore outside his head a little more.

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the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

Hexx

It is very tense and raw, but you get the point across clear. I liked it pretty well.

I agree with Snorrie that you need to think about deleting that part, it just doesn't flow right with the rest of it.

SevenWritez

I thought the "blow your head off," worked fine, as it showed his distate for both the music and the fuck-puppy at once. Very short, very good. Nice job.

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Frabes

Thanks for the comments.

Hate to say it, but I'm gonna have to agree with SevenWritez about the "blow your head off" line. I think it fits the tone perfectly. If there was any part I was worried about, it wasn't that one. It was the "aerosolized sadness" line. While I think that's a fantastic metaphor, I wasn't sure it fit the tone of the rest of the piece, which was more gritty than poetic.

This whole piece was basically me trying to write in a different voice. I was beginning to feel like all of my first-person stories either sounded like me talking, or were emotionally indifferent, so I took this one to the opposite end of the spectrum.

That and I really wanted to deliver that last line.

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A Kind of Truth

Europa09

I actually kinda like the aerosolized sadness line (well, I got what you were trying to establish anyways)
Found the story kind of flat
You say that "now it's different" but when you go on to explain what is happening it sounds generally the same as you had previously described it

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Dave Dengis

Frabes

Man, you really reached back and dug my shit out.

"Now it's different" meaning "now, it's just me feeling like shit" and "now I can't get rid of the sadness".

This thing was just an exercise, just me messing around with different voices, so there's obviously not much to it. Appreciate the comment, though.

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A Kind of Truth