Bashkin

Edited it. Enjoy.



The town of Bliss, of never day, has always been full of chaos. Vampires rule here, a place were day cannot harm them. But, what humans are left have found themselves hiring a protector. A man who is as mysterious as the never ending darkness, who comes and goes often, but always seems to be there when he is most needed. No one really knows where he came from, and he seems to want to keep it that way for as long as he can; secretive would be a good word to call him.

He is a tall man, taller then most of the vampires he slays. He knows how to blend in with things, natural things, with all the black he wears. He has almost become part of the darkness that has surrounded this place for hundreds of years. No one has seen him in good light, just flickering candles and the natural moon. He does he best to stay away from those as well as most people.

He doesn’t have a name, that they know of. It would be a proper name probably, one that would sound all too noble for someone like him. He is a rough man, full of grace when he moves under full moonlight. Once his eyes appeared, once they had fallen captive to the moon. They are dark amber, set flaming by his own, deep desires. Beautiful enough to look innocent, even though they have probably seen more blood then most should.

There is something youthful about him, even though he must be at least thirty seven at the most. He was just a young boy when he came here, but even so he hasn’t changed much. In fact he looks very nice for being here nearly one hundred and five years, living off the barren land.

There are things even I can remember at one hundred and four. I was just a child when he came here, just a toddler sitting on the porch near the house when he passed by the candle light. His feet were a steady pace, his eyes never moving from a cold stare. I don’t think I can ever forget him, not now. Maybe after a hundred more years his memory will wash out of my mind, it wont haunt me like it should.

He was once my lover, my best friend. He held me up when everyone said I was crazy, when they told me he would just forget me one day. But I was young then, and didn’t listen. Soon everything about me waned, decayed, and no longer did he find me beautiful. My lover turned on me.... forgot about me. Still I hope he will return, still I pray he will come and see me into the afterlife.

Was that the door I hear? That creaking noise? Is he coming back for me? I cannot move off this bed, no I cannot move an inch so I will call for him. Maybe he will hear and come to my side before it is too late, before I can’t tell him I know his secret. That I figured it out after all this time.

He too is a vampire.

"...... Night Hunter?"

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Dana_Johnson

Okay first off...don't open up by saying:

Quote:

NOTE: This is super bad, because I haven't written in forever. So I'd really love some feedback from anyone. Thanks! I'm not sure if I will turn this into some longer chapter, or end it and never touch it again. So I would love some help with that.

First of all, saying it's bad and that you want a critique won't make anyone want to read it. Secondly, it doesn't help you as a writer...saying your own work is "Super Bad" is detrimental to your progress as a writer.

The story over all was a bit contradictory:

Quote:

No one has seen him in the light, so they have really no idea of his true appearance; just like anyone else in the town, when you marry you can only pray you picked out someone decent.

This seems to imply that it is constantly dark, where no one can be seen, yet later on you say:

Quote:

There is something youthful about him, even though he must be at least thirty seven at the most. He was just a young boy when he came here, but even so he hasn’t changed much. In fact he looks very nice for being here nearly one hundred and five years, living off the barren land.

and:

Quote:

Soon everyone about me waned, decayed, and no longer did he find me beautiful.

Both of which seem to show that you can see people here...just something I found a bit off.

As far as punctuation goes, there are a few spots that seem fragmented, as well as a few not-needed commas.

I liked the idea of this story, but it seemed to suffer due to the fact that you started writing this with the mindset "I suck and this is going to as well."

Write to write, get your ideas on the paper, then take time to revise it and have others proof-read it; all with a positive attitude, and you'll find you enjoy this process a lot more.

Keep writing, practice, practice, practice...and you'll find it all comes easier and your products become more satisfying.

Take care,
Dana

Mr Sci Fi

I think there's a story here somewhere, it's just a matter of trudgin' through the muck to get to it.

It's not "Super Bad." Trust me, I've seen worse.

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"The writer you envy today will probably have reason to envy you tomorrow." - Orson Scott Card

Bashkin

Thanks, guys. I hope to revise it later today, and post it back for you all. Thanks for your comments.

Dana Johnson, thanks a lot. You're words helped out, I noticed the whole lighting things too. So I'll be fixing that in the near future, and editing out the 'super bad' thing above.

Mr. Si Fi, thanks to you too. Practice makes perfect.

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snorrie

Try making the font bigger so I can read it. When you do then maybe I'll take a look at it.