Cervantes

CONVERSATION WITH A DOG


I am his Highness’ dog at Kew;
Pray tell me sir, whose dog are you?
-Alexander Pope



It was about noontide when I decided to take a quick stroll through the forest near my apartment. It was a bright, sunny day in the autumn of the year, when the leaves changed to beautiful oranges, yellows, and browns. The quivering clouds passed overhead a clear, blue sky. As I approached the dusty, broken sidewalk, I inhaled the sweet autumn air and grew joyous, for it was the season of corn and pumpkins and children hunting for candy.
At any rate, I decided to stroll toward the forest, for I had taken up the sport of hunting. I brought myself a double-barreled shotgun with thick shell casings. And what better game to hunt then rabbits? Yes, I hunt rabbits — those cute, furry, white animals that dig holes within the earth to nurse their young Ah, the beauty of nature However, before you panic (tree-huggers), I am not hunting just any kind of rabbit — I am hunting jackelopes, curious little critters that hide in the most opportune times
Jackelopes are jack-rabbits with the antlers of an antelope. And no, I am not making this up, and I am not a lunatic. These monstrosities are real animals. They are lightening-quick, and they have short tempers. And pray, don’t ask me how they came into existence. I don’t have an answer for that question. A friend of mine told me that a mad scientist took the corpse of a bunny and the skull of an antelope, and sewed the antlers on the rabbit’s head, thus making the creature, but I have my doubts.
Anyhow, as I began walking across the empty street, I noticed that a peculiar feeling fell over me. I had my shotgun leaning against my left shoulder, and I was whistling, but then I felt odd like someone was watching me. I paid no attention to it, so I walked on as a small breeze blew past me.
When I reached the forest, I knew then what was troubling me. For as I stood on the edge of the grass, I saw a dog lying there, panting like he had ran a hundred miles. It was a black dog, shiny black I might add, and its eyes were a dark yellow — creepy, but cute nonetheless.
I bent over to pet the poor thing, but it shoved me off with its growling. So, reluctantly, I decided to continue on my merry way, but alas, I heard it “speak” to me.
“Excuse me, kind sir,” it said.
I jumped. My eyes bulged from their sockets, and I slowly turned by head towards it. It still laid there and panted, its pink tongue lolling. Flabbergasted, I leaned my shotgun against the trunk of a dying tree, and I lowered myself to the dog’s level.
“Uh, strange as it might seem, but did I just hear a dog talk?”
“Unfortunately,” it answered. “What? Never heard a dog before?”
“Not speak like a human being, no,” I answered.
“Oh well,” it said. “Could you help me?”
Its voice was shallow. It sounded very hyper. “Uh, with what?” I asked with reluctance.
“Could you help me find my family?” it asked. “I ran off from a kid after I saw a squirrel with a bunch of nuts shoved between its cheeks.”
I rubbed my eyes to be sure I wasn’t dreaming.
“Uh....” A long pause. “What’s your name?”
“Pet.”
“They named you ‘Pet’?”
“Yes.”
“Strange name.”
“I know,” it said. “That’s what all the dogs tell me when I need to mark my territory on a fire hydrant!”
“What kind of dog are you?”
“Not sure. I think I remember the boy’s mother telling him that I was a Labrador and Scotty-dog mixed....whatever that means ”
“Are you male or female?”
“Look for yourself, dork-face.”
I was offended, but I looked nonetheless. It was male.
“It’s cold out here,” he said. “Got any bones or biscuits? I’m hungry ”
“No, I am afraid not, Pet.”
“I smell dog droppings.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know. Near me, I guess.”
He was right. There was a small pile near the fire hydrant on the edge of the sidewalk. I need not go into details because it is unsanitary. The dog relaxed and leaned on its side. It still panted hard.
“Guess I’ll take a nap.”
“If you feel like, you can come with me in the forest. I am hunting jackelopes.”
“What the f— is a jackelope?”
“It’s complicated to explain.”
“Sounds tasty.”
“It’s a rabbit with the antlers of an antelope.”
He raised his head, and looked up at me. He blinked his yellow eyes several times.
“Nah. Not interested.” He laid his head back down.
“Suit yourself, then,” I replied.
“Okay.”
“So you’re just going to lie there?”
“How can I suit myself if I don’t have a suit to wear?”
“It’s a figure of speech.”
“Figured as much.”
“Well, off I go then.” I tipped my derby towards him. “Farewell.”
“Sure thing.”
“Are you sure you’re going to be all right?”
“They’ll find me eventually,” he answered me. “I’ll just sit here and watch the other dogs that go by. I’ll watch them lick that damned hydrant, owing nothing to the world. It’s an obsession is what it is. I just don’t see the point in sniffing a fire hydrant. But, I guess there are things in life that we quite don’t understand, you know? I mean, why must we be ignorant if we know nothing? Sure, you humans may think a talking dog is strange, but if you think about it, we think humans are strange. I mean, what other creatures use the “natural instinct” for pleasure?”
“Dolphins?”
“Exactly. A sea-creature. Humans are ignorant to all things, even their lovable pets Humans get to eat exquisite food and dine, laugh, rant, and play games. We dogs just bark, mate, eat, sleep, and release bodily waste. What fun is that? Humans have the life of Raleigh, and yet, every single one of you treat it like it’s prodigal. Dogs have short life-spans, granted, but that doesn’t mean anything. A dog does his civil duty to protect his master, and to provide him with entertainment at times. The hydrant is our fun. And it smells good, too And what do humans do when the dog is wrong? He spanks him on the nose Our vital mechanism ”
He, the dog, then rolled over onto his belly, still panting, licking his black lips. He stared at me coldly with those yellow eyes. I shivered. I was growing frightened from an ordinary house pet
“Rub my belly,” he said, rolling onto his back. “I need my belly rubbed. Please My back leg will go super fast if you do ”
I insisted. What harm could be done? He’s just a dog. A cute, cuddly, stupid dog—
At least, for that moment, was what I thought. As I rubbed my hand against his rough, pink belly, I felt light-headed. I felt invisible. My vision went out of focus, and my whole body fell numb. I released my hand, grabbing my head to prevent myself from falling. I saw double of everything, and I saw the dog sit. He still panted, and then I saw his eyes grow wide. And, before my eyes, I saw him back up. He jumped towards me, pushing me onto the hard, concrete sidewalk. As I fell, I saw, literally, my whole life flash before my eyes. As I fell, I saw a bright light encroach upon me, engulfing my field of vision. Then it was total darkness.
I thought I had awaken. I did. I figured I was knocked unconscious, and I probably had been. Or, possibly, I could be dead. And dead I was, for I saw my own body — my very existence — laying upon the sidewalk, deader than a doornail. My mouth was open, my tongue sticking out, and blood flowing from my head. And as I stared at my body, I head footsteps approach. I wanted to run, but since I was a spirit, who could see me?
I turned, and I saw a beautiful woman approach me. Before she came to me, I quickly shot a glance at my body. It disappeared
The woman came up to me; she bent down.
“Oh ” she gasped. “What a cute, lovable dog ”

snorrie

Okay, so your voice changed in the middle of the story. I still don't care much for the voice but at least the one in the cow story was consistent all the way through. I don't know, beyond the voice, I kind of enjoyed the read. It was something different from my genre. I need to explore more. I'll take a look at your other pieces. Oh, and try to break up the long paragraphs. Also, I know this word processor can't distinguish between paragraphs, but try to put a space in between each one to make it easier to read.