cashag

A song for the Aftermath

With only one more week in Wagner Beach, Bentley Jackson closed his tool box and exited the coastal town body shop for the last time. He locked up and shut off the flickering Jerry's Autorama sign outside. The sign had been mistakenly delivered to Bentley as he opened the business five years ago when he stumbled upon the beach side community, but the rag tag auto machanic kept the sign to add a mysterious flare to his shop. Nowadays one would be lucky to see half the bulbs lit up at any given time. Such has been Ben Jackson's life in the slow moving town of Wagner Beach.
Born a yankee in a suburb of the big apple, Ben grew to hate the quick tempo of the big city just as much as a Texan. It didn't take him long to understand that his soul moved at the pace of a small town Sunday, and his heart, while usually residing in the night stand of several different women, belonged to his music.
A battered, but storied, Martin acoustic guitar played the out of tune story of Bentley Jackon's life. In all of his travels, his lyrical stories have gracefully told tales of love, lust, cons, and escape.
Now, as Bentley gathers his estate to once again leave behind him a path of emotional distuction, he feels, for the first time, the tug of one last tether holding him at bay. Rose's patchwork jeep tore up the gravel driveway toward Ben's beach front home, trailed closely behind by the fragrance of Jose Cuervo...

abecfive

Yeah I think it's a good start. There is a typo here and there but other than that you set a rich image for me. I'd probably keep reading.

comma127

its good but i think u need to write in a less cultured sort of writing, if you know what i mean. You're writing in your natural language, whereas you probably need to dumb down the language to properly portray your characters personality. I said this because i felt your character was a bit country/average joe/ stumbling musician so the language is too smart. Instead of exited, try left and try something instead of estate. Maybe im wrong but i felt thats the kind of character you're trying to establish

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Will I live, will I die, will I bleed for this fantasy in my dreams? Through your eyes, tell me, do you see me kill to make it reality?

What is it that we all fear? Reflections in the mirror. We can't escape fate, the end is getting nearer.

VKullar

I agree with the person above this post^ sometimes to showcase the character better, you need to adapt the language you use. The style this is written in and the person its written about personally don't gel. On the whole an enjoyable read. In stead of so many "," (comma'z) why dont you try a couple of ";" here and there.. it'll add a bit more flow to your piece..

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Jus started blogging.

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Ice Tea Atonach

Yeah I might read on from what you have here, if you took comma's advice on the language I think it would really hook me. Its a good base for a story, now you just have to follow it up.

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